Follow Up

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Jan 5, 2012.

  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, I figured I would follow up on how things went at lunch with L. We made some small talk and kept things light. I had to ask to see her ring. She wouldn't let me hold it.

    I told her I was sorry that there was a misunderstanding about the dress and I was still looking forward to helping her with other preparations for her wedding. (There was no misunderstanding about the dress.) She told me that she felt that I didn't deserve to help her with her wedding. She said that I had never been much of a mother to her and I didn't deserve any special recognition. I kept it light and asked her who it was that came to every soccer game and school function when she was young, and she said that I had been. She said that we had not had a very good time from the time she was about 12 years old, and I assured her that most mothers and daughters have a rough time at that age and it was a good time to move on from that.

    She told me that Dr. C, the pseudo-psychiatrist who lied repeatedly under oath about me was more of a mother to her than I was because one time Dr. C came to her house at 11 at night and took care of her when she wasn't well. I asked if she remembered who came to her house at 1 in the morning because she was ill and fevered and took her home to take care of her when she was 23. She said it was me, but that she didn't want me to be any part of her wedding other than a guest.

    I gave it one last college try, and told her that I thought that this would be a good opportunity to spend time getting to know each other again and that I could take her to buy a trousseau and favors for the guests at the wedding, help get hair done and nails, that kind of thing. She said she didn't want to do those things with me, she wanted to do them with her sister. She further said that it would take years to get our relationship on the right track and she has no desire in it. I told her I wasn't sure what it was that had gone so wrong between us, and she said it's because I don't get along with my parents or sisters, so obviously I can't be trusted. I told her I was terribly hurt and very sorry that she felt that way, paid the bill and left. No voices were raised, no harsh words (by me) were used.

    husband sent her the following text:

    "Your MOTHER just called and told me what went down at lunch. What the F - - - are you thinking? Do you have ANY idea of what she has gone through for YEARS just to be a part of your life? You are a shallow, self-centered little brat who just stuck a knife through the heart of the woman I love most in the world. At least we know where we stand."

    I sent her dad and Dr. C a note explaining what was offered and declined, and told them both that I didn't care how much they wanted to pretend that they regretted what they had done over the years to sabotage our relationship (he's pulled the "I was a real s--- back then and I did things I'm not proud of" on me several times over the last few years) they had never done anything to fix it, and that when they see that L has not included me as her mother at her wedding (we won't be attending but I didn't say that) they should know deep down in their hearts that this is on them, not on me.

    At least I didn't have to stretch out some charade for four months.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    :brokemyheart: I feel so sad for you. good for husband for sticking up for you. i wonder if when she has kids if it is going to finally hit her that there is no love like a mom's love. She actually DOES sound shallow and also maybe pretty manipulated by those around her. the Dr? sounds pretty much like she crosses boundaries that should not be professionally crossed. When I was in treatment for eating disorders, there was a nurse who fell in love with me. I thought she was just being a "big sister" kind of mentor.... I was totally naieve and had no clue she was a lesbian. I dont have a problem with that but i am not and she took advantage of my emotional state at that time. convinced me i should have thanksgiving with her and her s/o who was blindsided by how she felt about me... Finally she told the truth and got in a lot of trouble through her work and my psychiatrist reported her.

    She is really losing out on not having you involved. I feel sorry for her for not realizing how blessed she is to have such unconditional love. What you, she has no clue how many people would love to have a mom offer such support. I know you love her, so feel badly thinking that she seems quite cold right now.
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2012
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, witz. Just hugs. Lots of very gentle hugs.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys. Just to put things in perspective about Dr. C., I could have her license taken away in a NY minute and she and L's dad know this. She filed a false abuse report against me, and when we looked at her files they had been doctored from "no redness" to "mild redness" using white-out. I have copies and she knows it. You can see the white out. I've never acted on it but to this day I could. The inappropriate relationship continues to this day. She was dating L's dad at the time, and acts as his primary "expert witness" in his hearings. (He's a lawyer.)

    As for him, he filed sworn documents for custody of L in my county saying that he was still living in a marriage with L's step-mom while at the same time filing in another county saying that he and the step-mom had been separated for 6 months and was eligible to divorce her. He'd left L to live with the step-mom. I don't know if he knows I know this, but I do know that he can't hide these records, they're there. I've never said a word. I could have him disbarred and it might make me feel better but it wouldn't do me any good, if you know what I mean.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Geez Louise. I had hoped that there would be some common ground but obviously I was wrong. Truly you handled a horrible situation with grace. I'm so impressed with your husband, too. It's nice to have someone cover your back, especially when you feel whipped down.

    She just doesn't know what she's missing. Sending supportive thoughts and hugs your way. Now, at least, you know where her messed up head is located. Sigh. DDD
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh, Witz--

    That is harsh!

    I'm so sorry...
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow. I'm so sorry,Witz. How incredibly painful. I agree you handled this with grace, I don't know how but you did. And BIG kudos to your husband for sticking up for you, that is awesome.

    Sadly I think it's time to just let this relationship lie for awhile. Clearly no matter how graceful and kind you are, she's going to twist things and put up walls and throw blame at every turn. At least you tried.. she's just not receptive. Darn her. (saying much worse words out loud, on your behalf).

    Big hugs to you.
  8. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Wow. I'm so sorry, Witz.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry, Witz. L is missing out on knowing a truly wonderful woman. I am so happy that you have someone like your husband in your life to help you with the tough times like this. You handled things with grace and finesse and are a far, far better person than those who still act to manipulate and who are manipulated. It makes me sick to think of a father using his child as L's dad used her/uses her. If you know/have proof of these things it means there are hundreds or even thousands more that can't be proven. He is the type of person who gives lawyers a really bad rep - and this dr is the kind who makes all expert witnesses sleazy.

    I don't know how you kept you cool. I don't think I could have. At this point, all that you can do has been done.

    I am so sorry.
  10. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    I am so sorry. Hugs
  11. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    Personally, I would be booking a nice relaxing out of state vacation for the week of this wedding and I would not send a gift.

    It's her loss, your offer was kind, generous and gracious.
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with svenhandhi. If she doesn't want you there as her mom, I wouldn't go at all. What would be the point?

    She really is a piece of work.

  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It isn't fair - but its a broken relationship. Not because of what you did or didn't do - but because of others. YOU can't undo the damage. There is a slim chance that years will go by, and something will happen to show the true colors of the "others" to her, which might adjust her perspective... but there is little you can do now, other than continue to stay neutral. Sorry, witz. Its not supposed to go this way. Even in tough relationships like I have with my Mom, its better than that, but... we didn't have anyone deliberately trying to destroy the relationship. The hurt comes from your daughter - but she is hurting too. She just doesn't know it, because part of her is "locked away", and if she's like me, she can't face the pain that goes with, so... a lot gets lost in avoiding the pain.


    p.s. I'd still find a way to send a thoughtful gift, though. Its part of staying neutral.
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is my opinion that this child does not understand love. Therefore, does not need it from you. So, to her you have no use. Sorry if that was hard to hear.

    She has a heart of steal. WHO in the world could even say those words unless they were seriously, seriously broken or ill or something. Something is wrong with this child. I feel sorry for her husband. He is in for a whirlwind life, I am sure.

    Super major hugs to you, Witz! You did all you could to help her know love. You were fighting a losing battle. But, you fought hard for her. I do not think you should take this personally at all. I know that would be super hard not to. But, I really believe there is something just not right with her and she does not even realize what she just did. And may never.

  15. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Witz, I am so sorry for your pain and the loss of your dream. I am glad that your husband texted her and stood up for you but wish he hadn't used such strong language. My thought is that for a wedding gift you should get together all your documentation on her father and her step-bioche' decietful manipulations and tie it up in a beautiful bow and send it to her. Then just walk away. Your daughter sounds so much like my difficult child#1. Warped perspective and selfish beyond belief.
  16. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Wow! I'm almost speechless. In a few years I will be in your shoes. My daughter never bonded to me and now hates me. I'm sorry you're going through this misery, it's abysmal.
  17. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    I am so, so sorry.
  18. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sending hugs to you. So, sorry your difficult child is treating you like this.
  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am really sorry you are going through this and she is being so hurtful.. and it is really hurtful.

    However I may differ from the rest in that I think you show the grace you showed yesterday and still go to the wedding. Go and hold your head up high..... someday it may make a difference to her that you were there.

    FWIW for many reasons, mostly my parents divorce, I had a pretty bad relationship with my dad. I felt he did some things that were just plain wrong but he did not see it that way and I don't think we will ever see it completely eye to eye.... So for about 10 years we were pretty estranged (from abotu age 23 to 33), Eventually I came around and made peace with him. It is not the close relationship it might have been but it is a good relationship. So relationships can be repaired as kids grow up and get different perspectives.

  20. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Oh Witz, I am so sorry! And I know how much it hurts because I've been in a similar situation myself and nothing has ever been so painful. The things she said to you were horrible and meant to hurt you and I agree with every single word your husband said to her! And honestly, considering how nasty and hateful she was to you, I would not attend that wedding if I were you. Why just give her another opportunity to lash out at you and hurt you?

    I wouldn't completely give up hope though. Sometimes it does get better. Even while we were still married, my ex always "sucked up" to our daughter while completely ignoring our son like he wasn't even there. He did everything he could to alienate her from me and ruin any kind of mother/daughter relationship we might have had. Lord only knows what he might have told her about me but for a very long time she really hated me! He didn't do it out of love for her, he used her as a weapon against me because other people are only important to him for what he can get out of them. But once she moved back to Florida and got away from his influence she started seeing thing more clearly and began to see him for what he really is. She and her fiance moved to S. Carolina when she was 27 and my son and I traveled there for their wedding. I really had no part (from 600 miles away) in planning for the wedding, and missed out on all the traditional" mother of the bride" activities. Back then, there was no way I could contribute financially - it was all I could do to get my son and I there. They were going to pay for the wedding themselves but then her mother in law and the mother in law's sister stepped in and paid for a much nicer ceremony than what they were planning. Of course nobody deliberately excluded me but I did feel a bit of an outsider at my own daughter's wedding. And her father was an obvious embarassment! At that wedding it was very evident that he was a pathetic loser! It took a while but she eventually became so disillusioned with her father that she no longer speaks to him. He doesn't even know that he has a beautiful little grandson now! She and I have slowly rebuilt our relationship but we will never get all those years back. I would like to talk with her about it but we don't because it's so painful. She has never outright apologized for anything but has made lots of comments that could be taken that way. It's just kind of understood between us. We've just started over from where we are now and it's good. Maturity, experience and becoming a mother herself have taught her a lot. So please don't give up hope because you never know how things will go in the future. You can let her know that you love her and are there for her without letting yourself be her punching bag!