Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
For Those Who Parent Shuffle
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 76368" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Linda's right, guilt is a draining, negative, unproductive emotion. You don't need it.</p><p></p><p>A close friend of mine has easy child kids (apart from ADHD in her son - he's OK though). She was divorced from her husband but they got on OOK (once he was stable on medications). She INSISTED he have access, even though the courts would have totally eliminated his parental rights. At first it was supervised access and then SHE agreed he was coping and so the kids would go to him for school holidays, etc. And every other weekend. He remarried, which increased his stability.</p><p></p><p>And she would look forward to her kid-free time, she would make plans specifically for the times her children were with their father. She and her second husband would go away for a few days, they would invite people to dinner, they would do all the things so difficult when kids are underfoot.</p><p></p><p>And these were PCs. She and her THIRD husband (we don't talk about the second) are now on very good terms with the kids' father and his wife. Her kids are now grown and independent, but close to both parents.</p><p></p><p>Michele, I do think the problems difficult child is having, are less to do with his father and more to do with CHANGE. Try to see it from your ex's perspective (maybe ask him about what he sees) - I suspect difficult child makes a similar fuss when it's time to leave his father and come back to you. If so, this could be concerning the dad and making him wonder, what the H is going on at your place to make difficult child so unwilling to make the change. You probably need to talk to each other about what you each see when difficult child is at each other's home. Don't get defensive or anything if DEX says "he's fine with me, nothing wrong with him, it's all in your mind," because not only is that NOT the issue here, it's quite likely what he does see - a different environment makes it easier to mask symptoms very effectively, especially with a bright kid like yours. </p><p></p><p>It's not a deception in any way, it's simply a dislike of change. Of course, if he's not at his father's for more than a couple of days this won't be so much of an issue. It's when they're there long enough to adapt, and need to make a change to come home, that you see this mirror image situation more.</p><p></p><p>It's also not personal (unlikely to be) although his dad's different parenting style could be causing some confusion also.</p><p></p><p>But don't feel guilty. As BBK said, "if dad is not harmful, he gets a turn too." That is a good explanation for difficult child. (at least the "he gets a turn too" bit)</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Yes, we feel guilty. My friend did, even though she would make plans. But if you didn't feel guilty, you probably wouldn't feel you were as good a mother.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 76368, member: 1991"] Linda's right, guilt is a draining, negative, unproductive emotion. You don't need it. A close friend of mine has easy child kids (apart from ADHD in her son - he's OK though). She was divorced from her husband but they got on OOK (once he was stable on medications). She INSISTED he have access, even though the courts would have totally eliminated his parental rights. At first it was supervised access and then SHE agreed he was coping and so the kids would go to him for school holidays, etc. And every other weekend. He remarried, which increased his stability. And she would look forward to her kid-free time, she would make plans specifically for the times her children were with their father. She and her second husband would go away for a few days, they would invite people to dinner, they would do all the things so difficult when kids are underfoot. And these were PCs. She and her THIRD husband (we don't talk about the second) are now on very good terms with the kids' father and his wife. Her kids are now grown and independent, but close to both parents. Michele, I do think the problems difficult child is having, are less to do with his father and more to do with CHANGE. Try to see it from your ex's perspective (maybe ask him about what he sees) - I suspect difficult child makes a similar fuss when it's time to leave his father and come back to you. If so, this could be concerning the dad and making him wonder, what the H is going on at your place to make difficult child so unwilling to make the change. You probably need to talk to each other about what you each see when difficult child is at each other's home. Don't get defensive or anything if DEX says "he's fine with me, nothing wrong with him, it's all in your mind," because not only is that NOT the issue here, it's quite likely what he does see - a different environment makes it easier to mask symptoms very effectively, especially with a bright kid like yours. It's not a deception in any way, it's simply a dislike of change. Of course, if he's not at his father's for more than a couple of days this won't be so much of an issue. It's when they're there long enough to adapt, and need to make a change to come home, that you see this mirror image situation more. It's also not personal (unlikely to be) although his dad's different parenting style could be causing some confusion also. But don't feel guilty. As BBK said, "if dad is not harmful, he gets a turn too." That is a good explanation for difficult child. (at least the "he gets a turn too" bit) Hang in there. Yes, we feel guilty. My friend did, even though she would make plans. But if you didn't feel guilty, you probably wouldn't feel you were as good a mother. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
For Those Who Parent Shuffle
Top