Forgive me as I purge my brain (long)

[Steely]

My mind feels tangled up, and I just need to write my jumble down. I woke up this morning just feeling so fried. Completely depleted of any excitement I had over moving, and instead lonely, and empty.

I think it started with my ex promising to come over and help me at least get all of Matthew's stuff packed up. Well he did that, but then he said he would paint Matt's room and help me load all of this into the truck. Well that was just stooopid for me to ever say OK to. I SO know better. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again with the same results, and I have done that with him for 24 years now.

So, he starts painting Matt's room, promises to come back yesterday to finish ~ and surprise, surprise he has done his repetitive, life long pattern, of his magical disappearing act. He is gone. Just gone. I am sure I won't see him again for years. He used to do this to me when I was pregnant, needed him to pick Matt up from school, or fix the car - always when I needed him the most. Like now. Because I stupidly planned on him helping me move. And he did it to Matthew over and over again. Leave him sitting by the window waiting for his daddy to come see him - and never show up. Sometimes for years.

Now I am stuck holding the bag. Again. And I hope to god Matthew is not going to get stuck out again too. Matt and his Dad were just starting to make progress in their relationship, and Matt was starting to get attached to him. My heart just feels sick from all these old memories.

I have spent hours calling other people to do the house repairs, and to help me move. I took care of it. Like I always do. But being blown off by him, has re-stirred all my old, horrible, abandonment issues and watching Matthew be abandoned. I am having trouble getting back on track.

I also had that investigation into the harassment at my old work this week, and it went horrible. They treated me like I was the culprit, like I was the one guilty and responsible for allowing those people to treat me that way. I had hoped I would get real closure from that situation. But no.

And now I am packing up years of memories by myself. It is incredibly hard. I have Matt's stuff, and H's stuff, and little glimpses here and there of ex's stuff, and of course my stuff. And really all I want to do is start my new life. I just want to be there and be happy.

Pray I get the strength to get back in the right mind space for these next 3 days to finish packing alone. I wish I could say I had some close friends that could help - but I just really have more work friends. Not anyone I could call and ask them to help with a task this monumental.

God I cannot believe how stupid I was to allow ex back in my life - and even for a minute trust him to help me. And I swear if he blows off Matt again and stops the communication - I will be beyond livid. And Matt will blame it all on the fact I moved away from his dad as the reason.

Thanks for listening guys. I know this is long. I just needed to "talk" to someone.
Hugs to all.

 

[muttmeister]

I wish I could come help with the house repairs and the packing. It seriously blows when people let you down, even when you already know they are they type to do it, but you will get through it. Just keep thinking about how much better your life will be when you get moved and get these poisonous people far enough away that you aren't tempted to let them back into your life.
Put on some music you like, light some candles, dance around, order in your favorite food, and have a little packing party. While you're at it, pack away your bad feelings toward your ex and all of the other mental baggage you don't want to take with you when you move. Hopefully ex will be big enough to not make Matt miserable by his stupidity but if he's not, there's really nothing you can do about it so you might as well let it go. Usually when you move you have lots of stuff to throw away. How about writing down all your bad thoughts and throwing them in the garbage too. Sometimes something symbolic like that does help.
Good luck.

 

[KTMom91]

Hugs...

 

[Hound dog]

Sending (((hugs))) Steely. I like the idea of a packing party. I know packing isn't exactly a fun thing........so maybe some loud music ect would pick up the pace a bit for ya.

Don't give ex a 2nd thought. Your relationship with the man is over. Matt has to decide for himself whether or not he can maintain a relationship with his Dad. That's not on your shoulders. Nor anything you can control.

The faster you get packed......the faster you get there.

(((hugs)))

 

[Steely]

I tried to entertain myself today as I packed. I even bought an ipod. Things now and then sorta helped soothe the barrage of ptsd memories that kept surging at me as I would unpack a closet - but wow - not too much helped. I was evidently not prepared for what it would take to be part of unearthing my archealogical baggage.

You know - one of the crummiest part of ex disappearing? Is that I gave him all of these bags of clothes to go to Goodwill ~ and I inadvertently put a bag of clothes in there that my good friend let me borrow for the job interview.
She is steamed.
Sigh.