My mind feels tangled up, and I just need to write my jumble down. I woke up this morning just feeling so fried. Completely depleted of any excitement I had over moving, and instead lonely, and empty. I think it started with my ex promising to come over and help me at least get all of Matthew's stuff packed up. Well he did that, but then he said he would paint Matt's room and help me load all of this into the truck. Well that was just stooopid for me to ever say OK to. I SO know better. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again with the same results, and I have done that with him for 24 years now. So, he starts painting Matt's room, promises to come back yesterday to finish ~ and surprise, surprise he has done his repetitive, life long pattern, of his magical disappearing act. He is gone. Just gone. I am sure I won't see him again for years. He used to do this to me when I was pregnant, needed him to pick Matt up from school, or fix the car - always when I needed him the most. Like now. Because I stupidly planned on him helping me move. And he did it to Matthew over and over again. Leave him sitting by the window waiting for his daddy to come see him - and never show up. Sometimes for years. Now I am stuck holding the bag. Again. And I hope to god Matthew is not going to get stuck out again too. Matt and his Dad were just starting to make progress in their relationship, and Matt was starting to get attached to him. My heart just feels sick from all these old memories. I have spent hours calling other people to do the house repairs, and to help me move. I took care of it. Like I always do. But being blown off by him, has re-stirred all my old, horrible, abandonment issues and watching Matthew be abandoned. I am having trouble getting back on track. I also had that investigation into the harassment at my old work this week, and it went horrible. They treated me like I was the culprit, like I was the one guilty and responsible for allowing those people to treat me that way. I had hoped I would get real closure from that situation. But no. And now I am packing up years of memories by myself. It is incredibly hard. I have Matt's stuff, and H's stuff, and little glimpses here and there of ex's stuff, and of course my stuff. And really all I want to do is start my new life. I just want to be there and be happy. Pray I get the strength to get back in the right mind space for these next 3 days to finish packing alone. I wish I could say I had some close friends that could help - but I just really have more work friends. Not anyone I could call and ask them to help with a task this monumental. God I cannot believe how stupid I was to allow ex back in my life - and even for a minute trust him to help me. And I swear if he blows off Matt again and stops the communication - I will be beyond livid. And Matt will blame it all on the fact I moved away from his dad as the reason. Thanks for listening guys. I know this is long. I just needed to "talk" to someone. Hugs to all.