Mom2oddson
Active Member
I think everyone has issues with the decisions they've made in the past and the consequences from them. Some, a lot more than others.
I know that husband will get on the self-loathing kick once in a while (a lot less as time goes by). His choices DID have an effect on the early years of the difficult children. And they were bad choices! But, in the last 15 years, he has been working hard to change his life. He's been growing and maturing and making tons of good choices (and an occassion dumb one). I keep pointing out to him "Look at what you've been doing! You are not the same person you were back then. If you could go and re-do knowing what you know now - you would do different. Be proud of who you are becoming. And as you have made choices to change so can the difficult children."
And I want to say the same to you Steely. The fact that you have remorse/guilt shows that you have changed. You are not the same person. Be proud of the changes that you have made and that you have grown and become a better person.
My first therapist explained to me that the abuse that I suffered when I was 5 left me emotionally 5. And that I had been living my young adult life with the emotional maturity of a baby for the most part. And as that baby in the adult world, I did the best I could. And as I saw how my actions were those of a child, I changed and grew. And now I respond to the world as an adult in age and emotions. And I don't blame or hate that little child either. I own up to the consequences of those choices. Like when easy child was 7 and crying because his bio-dad wanted nothing to do with him - I explained to him that it was my fault that he was suffering. When I picked out a hubby - I didn't think about what kind of Dad he'd be. And I made a mistake and that I was sorry. But, when I got married again I KNEW to look for a good daddy (husband) and that I think I did better this time. And easy child agreed whole-heartedly that he had a good Dad this time. And because I did that for him....when he is suffering from his own choices - he tells me not to feel sorry for him. He made the choice and will live with the consequences because that is how life is. And he never feels guilt over the choices - regret but never guilt. And regret is good because it means we learned something from it.
I know that husband will get on the self-loathing kick once in a while (a lot less as time goes by). His choices DID have an effect on the early years of the difficult children. And they were bad choices! But, in the last 15 years, he has been working hard to change his life. He's been growing and maturing and making tons of good choices (and an occassion dumb one). I keep pointing out to him "Look at what you've been doing! You are not the same person you were back then. If you could go and re-do knowing what you know now - you would do different. Be proud of who you are becoming. And as you have made choices to change so can the difficult children."
And I want to say the same to you Steely. The fact that you have remorse/guilt shows that you have changed. You are not the same person. Be proud of the changes that you have made and that you have grown and become a better person.
My first therapist explained to me that the abuse that I suffered when I was 5 left me emotionally 5. And that I had been living my young adult life with the emotional maturity of a baby for the most part. And as that baby in the adult world, I did the best I could. And as I saw how my actions were those of a child, I changed and grew. And now I respond to the world as an adult in age and emotions. And I don't blame or hate that little child either. I own up to the consequences of those choices. Like when easy child was 7 and crying because his bio-dad wanted nothing to do with him - I explained to him that it was my fault that he was suffering. When I picked out a hubby - I didn't think about what kind of Dad he'd be. And I made a mistake and that I was sorry. But, when I got married again I KNEW to look for a good daddy (husband) and that I think I did better this time. And easy child agreed whole-heartedly that he had a good Dad this time. And because I did that for him....when he is suffering from his own choices - he tells me not to feel sorry for him. He made the choice and will live with the consequences because that is how life is. And he never feels guilt over the choices - regret but never guilt. And regret is good because it means we learned something from it.
