Forgiving yourself/stop feeling it was your fault

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by SomewhereOutThere, Aug 2, 2018.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This was hard for me. If you get blamed enough for the dysfunction of an entire family and you are a child, it sticks. For a long time. Forever?

    I think the key is to disconnect from anyone, family or friend, who blames you for everything about yourself. I had the plan to leave when my father died for many years. He lived a long life but I had been thinking this for at least a decade, on and off. My husband was the only one who knew. I stayed, in a sense, to not hurt my father.

    This is not directed in any way toward my sister. It isnt at all. Its about ME and MY identity. I would change my maiden name if I could. My FOO is not who I feel connected to.

    I am just exlaining that to finally be free of the angry words of those who are or were unkind to you, sometimes it is helpful to just let go. Be who you are. You are enough.

    There is nobody in my life now who will criticize me just for being myself.

    You have a right to be who you are and to not worry if someone doesnt like you. The only one who needs to forgive you and love you is you. But if you feel this way about yourself, others will too.

    Namaste :)
     
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    Last edited: Aug 3, 2018
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I think this is the journey my W is taking. To relieve herself of the (self imposed) guilt for the way her children are turning out to this point.

    She will never stop hurting. But I can tell that she has the situation in clearer perspective than before. She knows that the boys are old enough so that their character (or lack thereof) is a big part of the equation at this point.

    Many abused children (including myself, several of my closest friends, and the majority of students I work with) do not display the callous disregard for others that is DS' hallmark. He has deeper issues than just a troubled relationship with his mother.

    In the five years I have been in this picture my W has been very willing and able to step up and be a parent. She is giving of her time, generous with her/our resources, and as emotionally available as she is capable of being. Some people are simply colder than others. My wife is colder than what I consider to be typical. This is her nature.

    Neither boy wants anything to do with her/us. YS in particular bleats that it's because of The Past but realistically, it's because he won't let go of the past, won't forgive my W for leaving his father over a decade ago. YS is making a choice to hold this grudge.

    The boys don't want us around because we hold them accountable while father does not. Because father has totally shut W out of parenting, we are out of their lives.

    I think W now sees all this and realizes that while she made mistakes, she did not cause her children to go off the rails and I think that makes her feel just a tiny bit better.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2018
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    No, b&b, she didnt cause it. You are right. They did not even live with her. I do think it is harder to walk away from a child. I walked away, emotionally and then physically, from adults. I dont identify with them as family.

    I am not sure that this could happen with a child but if they stayed away for ten years, hey, we adapt!! Your W and you are very brave.
     
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    Last edited: Aug 3, 2018
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    One of the "people" i love to pieces. What better than a dog?

    My granddog Cam (top) a lab and my sweet rescie dog Jackson ( chihiahua)

    I guess I put this in because....nothing says unconditional love like then love of a pet.
     

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    Last edited: Aug 3, 2018