Fortune Teller...

[KC but no sunshine band]

Can you please tell me, what is in my future? Or better yet, the future of my difficult child? This is a question that often runs through my mind. Given the behaviours and the attitudes that our difficult children have, what outcome will they have as adults in the big, bad, world? One day while fueling up at a gas station, I got into this very conversation with a young cashier. Her reply was, I'm ADHD and I turned out just fine. I wasn't sure how to respond at that point as I certainly would hope for a better future for my difficult child than working at a gas bar. :future:

Anyways, I think I will stick to sales as telling futures just isn't my forte.(sp?) I hope everyone has a nice, calm hump-day with no meltdowns.
:princess:

 

[jbrain]

Well, I guess a lot depends on your perspective of success. When my difficult child was a young girl I had hopes of her finishing school, going on to college, etc. When we were going through the worst of times with her I just hoped she'd survive her life of drugging and drinking and staying on the streets (age 17).

Now she is 19 and works as an exotic dancer. She got her GED just before turning 18. She lives with her boyfriend who is 26 and not exactly reliable but seems to care for her. She does not ask us to help support her, is very proud that she can support herself. She is respectful towards us and I enjoy her company when I see her.

I would not have envisioned this as success when she was young but I do now. I am proud of her in that she picked herself up when we removed the safety net and proved to herself that she can take care of herself.

You don't know where that cashier started from--if she sees herself as doing fine maybe she in fact is!

Jane

 

[meowbunny]

I think success depends on the age of your child. When I first adopted my daughter, success was college, a career, marriage, children. When she hit puberty, it was not a drug addict living on the streets and pregnant. When she was in her Residential Treatment Facility (RTF), it was finishing high school, finding a trade. When she dropped out of high school, it was get her GED and find a job and keep it. She is now 20, still living with me, no GED as yet and no job.

Oddly, I consider her a success. She is talking about getting her GED and starting college. She is actively looking for a job. She is helping around the house (not as much as I'd like but she is helping). She is not violent. She's not stealing. She's not sneaking around. She is beginning to have some concrete goals and getting frustrated that nothing is quite coming together but I know she is trying and I truly believe she will ultimately succeed.

 

[BusynMember]

I applaud the young woman with ADHD. I'm not sure what you want for your child, but sometimes we need to alter our expectations of what success means. Your child has many challenges. So does mine. My goal for him is that even if he needs to work in a sheltered workshop, which is possible, and have some assisted living, that he is happy and healthy and trying as hard as he can. He can communicate well, has friends, and is one of the nicest people I've ever met on earth. He is such a fighter. So far he is exceeding my expectations. I don't hold him to the standards I hold my other children to, but my once drug addicted daughter is the manger of a Fannie Mae store. No, she's not a NeuroSurgeon and she only went to tech college, not a four year school. But do I consider her a success??? HELL YES! I'm so proud of her I could burst. Instead of doing drugs, she's a boss, and into health food and exercize instead of pot. Better, she has a great heart. So I would keep an open mind.

 

[flutterbee]

I will be thrilled if my daughter is happy and secure in who she is.

Anything else is just a bonus.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well I consider my ADHD son a success. He is the one in my profile that was the Marine and is now the Animal Control Officer with the Deputy Sheriffs Office.

Hopefully one day the youngest one will get with the program too. Who knows.

 

[slsh]

I've been trying to find a reliable fortune teller for almost 19 years, LOL. No such luck (yet), but if I do find one, I'll send her over here. :wink:

Seriously, just from my own experience with- a difficult child, I think our expectations of what their future can/should/will be changes with time. While I initially expected thank you to go to MIT and be a rocket scientist (or something along those lines), given his consistent demonstration of severely impaired reasoning, impulse control, social skills, and general adaptive behavior, at this point if he can live independently and support himself (and hopefully, please God, be content and happy to boot), then that would just be fantabulous. Working at a "gas bar" would be a pretty significant accomplishment for my kid.

I think as our kids demonstrate what they can and can't do well, what their strengths and weaknesses are, we get a better idea of what they will be able to do. It's certainly not easy to alter our notions, especially if we were expecting "successful" professionals for adult children, but I think the definition of "successful" has to change as our kids (both difficult child and easy child) grow up.

 

[Marguerite]

When I was pregnant with my first child, I had dreams. I didn't know if I was having a boy or a girl and it didn't matter. My child was going to be a genius, grow up to be a doctor or lawyer (preferably a doctor) and we wealthy, happy and successful.

My daughter was very tiny. Thanks to a brilliant doctor, she was not too premature and didn't need intensive care. She turned out to be very bright (genius? It depends) who chose to not study medicine (impossible to get into at the moment - too few uni places) but still got into the health industry, in a job she loves. She's not married, she's overweight, she's living with her boyfriend but she is HAPPY. It's been a struggle for her, simply having to cope with a family loaded with disability (which all hit after she was born).

After that we revised our requirement to: we want our kids to grow up to be independent, happy, functioning and productive members of society.
easy child is there already. difficult child 1 is getting there, but taking a lot longer. Same with easy child 2/difficult child 2 - she has quite a way to go. Both of them have unrealistic reasons for thinking and aiming for what they currently are aiming for. I do worry about what happens when their dream comes crashing down.

difficult child 3 - I think he's going to make it. I don't know how dependent he will remain, only time will tell. He may always need a carer, but we are doing what we can to make him as independent as possible.

The best you can be, is to be the best you can be. You can't ask for more than that.

At least I got the "genius" part of my wish list! But I discovered, it only makes them MORE frustrated with their limitations!

Marg

 

[sweetiegirlz]

Mine with adhd/odd is extremely smart and does perfectly for everyone else except me!!! I am the only one she never obeys. lol. But realistically, doing great in school and manipulative of her surroundings, I expect her to be a GREAT defense lawyer or a business woman who will launch a major corporate takeover because of her aggressive tendencies.

but seriously, in my humble opinion,

I think when they get to be adults, their surroundings and the reality of do or die in life changes them some for the better. Hang in there but really one day at a time.