Forward growth and bumps

[DammitJanet]

It appears that I have made some progress and/or stagnated with my bipolar. It is probably at as good a place as it is going to get. I truly feel that the meningitis and the 3 seizures basically did a form of ECT treatment on me and reset my brain somewhat. I am nowhere near as rapid cycling now as I was before I got sick. I probably only cycle now 4 or 5 times a year now badly. I have brief periods of time where I get "off" but I can get back pretty easily by figuring out what happened. Normally its something medical like being sick, too much of a steroid or some other trigger.

Im not so easily angered anymore either. I am much calmer. I deal with things better. Its odd.

That being said...I am way more anxiety laden. My ptsd is in overdrive. Its like I had a box with all my bad memories in it and it got knocked over and everything I hadnt thought of or remembered is now coming back. Im terrified that something bad will happen to Keyana like what happened to me. I keep thinking of what bad things can happen to little girls. You see it on tv all the time! It just scares me to death. She is 3...I was 3!

I probably have 8 more months left of therapy to get through this. We are trying to figure out how to do it. Sigh.

 

[flutterby]

I know you know the rational side, but the emotional, irrational side takes over and the fear and worry is just so hard to counter.

I really hope you can get through this with your therapist. You know where I am if you need to talk.

(((hugs)))

 

[susiestar]

Many hugs. This must be so hard. I am glad the bipolar is not as hard for you as it has been in the past.

It is so hard when our loved ones are the ages we were when we were traumatized. ALL we want is to protect them until they are old enough to fight it off or not go through it.

Sometimes we see our kids or grands doing something we did and it can trigger memories. Jessie at 9 on a bean bag was horrible for me. I won't live in a house with a bean bag. Just can't. I tried.



STick with the therapy. Get some guided meditations for anxiety to listen to when you can. Use the various techniques your doctor has shown you to handle anxiety. Ask the doctor for xanax or whatever medicine is needed to help this.

Gentle hugs. You can work through this.

 

[DammitJanet]

Hi Heather...thanx.

I need to get with Joy and we need to work on some sort of anxiety reduction stuff. I think we first need to work on finding out what is all in my "attic" too. I have an outline but maybe I dont realize everything. I also do a whole lot of minimizing of what is traumatic. I can tell you stuff but its like I was reading it out of a book about someone else. Until I get to the emotional part of it and deal with it, I cant put it away again all folded up nicely.

It just hoovers that I have been such a complex case because I had so much going on with everything...the bipolar component, the borderline stuff, and the abuse issues...and everything has had to been dealt with slowly in layers because each part of me didnt want to open up to any of it. Now that I am getting results I may not have much longer...sigh.

 

[flutterby]

I also do a whole lot of minimizing of what is traumatic. I can tell you stuff but its like I was reading it out of a book about someone else. Until I get to the emotional part of it and deal with it, I cant put it away again all folded up nicely.

That is exactly what EMDR is used for.

When I saw my therapist today and was giving her my life history, it was very factual. No emotion. However, there was obviously emotion attached to it on some level by my reaction after and continuing this evening.

 

[ML]

That EMDR stuff sounds hopeful. Janet one thing that sometimes helps me is to say the serenity prayer over and over. I often have to repeat the mantra "let go and let God" as well. These are things that came out of my 12 step program but I think they're helpful tools for anyone. Thinking of you and praying you find peace. Love, ML

 

[klmno]

((HUGS)) I'm glad you can see some improvement and growth, even though you have to go thru a painful process...again.... Your approach for dealing with previous trauma is the same one my therapist taught me and it has been the method to help in times of difficulties so I have a lot of faith in it.

 

[rlsnights]

Anniversaries of traumatic events are not to be taken lightly in my experience. Especially in your situation.

EMDR may be helpful. And, for me, just living through the anniversary without anything bad happening helped a lot.

Things to help with anxiety that I have found helpful include mindfulness - staying in the moment. When you notice the anxiety start, find something concrete in your environment - a flower, a tree, a child - anything. Focus on it and study it. Concentrate on what is happening right at that very moment. Gently remind yourself that all that you have to do is get through this very moment. That and deep breathing often really help.

I also frankly avoid situations or places that provoke a recollection of the traumatic event around the time of the anniversary. That may not be something you can really do but you might notice if there are any particular places or situations that you could avoid that make you feel more anxious than usual.

If being around your grandchild is giving you panic attacks, you may want to gently put some distance there for a bit until the anniversary is past and your psyche is calmer.

Peace -

 

[Hound dog]

Janet

It might help you to know this is common with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). I didn't know that when I was going thru it........I found it out by accident later.

My Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) made me the most mellow person on the planet for the first 3 yrs following. Really weird. Except that my PSTD was thru the roof as was my anxiety. For me, both went away with time as my brain healed, re-routed or whatever. But without the psychiatrist's help I'd have never gotten past the PSTD and the anxiety.

Clinicals have re-triggered both for me, much to my surprise. I dread going to clinicals, have to literally force myself to go while talking myself thru it til I get there. Once I'm there, I'm ok. Go figure. Anxiety is such a weird issue.

As for the little girl issue.................yep. Got that one too. I've got Kayla living with a perv Daddy............and Aubrey and I can't help but worry. But at least Nichole is over-protective of Aubrey. So my main worry lies with Kayla.

And I dunno why I'm worrying more with the grand daughters than I did with my girls. Except that my girls were never allowed into a postion that molestation could take place............So maybe it's because I don't have control enough I feel like I can protect them the way they should be protected?

Didn't bring up memories of my childhood..........I'd already delt with that, so maybe that's why. Did bring up every little thing between me and husband though and pretty much put the finishing nails in the coffin of our marriage.

(((hugs)))

 

[Fran]

Sorry to hear about the anxiety but I have to say that since the beginning of our relationship you have made incredible progress.
Of course, I understand how you are on the outside is different from how you feel on inside.

Hugs. I'm glad parts are working better. I get such great pleasure hearing all the good stuff and how you are dealing with things. You are such a positive example of the will to self improve.