Found a water bong that difficult child was keeping for a friend

[TerryJ2]

After all he's been through, you think he'd have learned.

husband found it--actually, a nice looking glass sculpture like an abstract brown and black dragon--behind all of the TV gadgetry and old VCRs in an open cabinet under the TV.

difficult child's girlfriend sat through the whole confrontation.

We knew exactly which one of difficult child's friends it belonged to--the quiet one who plays the guitar, whose mom is an alcoholic and who lost custody. But husband made difficult child 'fess up.

husband threatened to call the police because we had an illegal substance in the house (had this happened in Colo, it wouldn't have mattered, except for the age restriction).

difficult child broke down and told him that his friend asked him to keep it while CPS went through the process of checking their house because of the custody issue. It's been 4 mo's. He told difficult child he wasn't "using" any more.
This is the same kid who came up with-a plan to gather a list of homeowners who needed their grass cut, and never came up with-the $10 he needed for gas.

difficult child thought he was helping him because his family life is in shambles and coming over to our house for dinner was the only normal thing he had. Apparently he doesn't eat all time. We pointed out that his step-father came over to use the neighbor's dock to go fishing and he has custody, so why isn't he feeding him? difficult child insisted that it's just that it's his homelife, and he needs a good example, like our family. His mom gives him the alcohol and pot.
I responded that he didn't need to do it ... I came from a household like that and didn't do it.

I told difficult child that the item in question was worth $10 and he could have sold it to a dealer and bought the gas. So it implied that he was going to use it again. Why did he need it back? And what kind of a friend is he to jeopardize their friendship in a household that's already been through this, not to mention to stolen items and court and PO and weeks of hassles with-urine tests.
husband said that his friend is no longer welcome on our property.

difficult child cried for a while, then said, "D will be happy (his girlfriend)," as he glanced over at her, "because she never liked him anyway."
Mmm, not happy, but relieved, I'm sure.

We left it up to difficult child to explain to his friend why he can't come over any more. Sigh.

 

[helpangel]

Terry you and husband handled that better then I would have... oops SMASH! then left it for him to clean up or cut himself on.

Considering what vet bills cost these days my way would have backfired for sure; well done warrior mom

Nancy

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you. husband broke it and threw it away. It was actually a beautifully made piece of glass and the artist in me couldn't stand to watch.

 

[BusynMember]

Be careful. Seriously, my kid used to always say, "I'm holding it for a friend" and I believed it too at first.

 

[jugey]

That was my first thought too, but didn't want to be the first to say it

I would be very suspicious!

 

[TerryJ2]

I know, I thought of that. Does it leave an aroma in the air? We have not noticed anything ... although looking back on it, maybe I did notice once or twice.
Either way, glad it's gone.

 

[jugey]

If you think you did, then you probably did!! I'm not sure about the aroma....I think yes though. Bongs weren't around in my day. The hot knives were definitely stinky though ;-)

 

[Childofmine]

My son used to say everything was his friends' and I believed it for a long time.

Not true.

Be on guard.

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...it's a duck.

We don't want to believe what is right in front of us because that's a whole other can of worms but denying reality is never good for them or for us.

It is what it is. Face what you know to be true in your gut. That is where truth lies.

Actions have consequences. Let him have his consequences. It will shorten the battle and the journey.




Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[BusynMember]

My daughter was too smart to smoke pot in the house. So we never smelled anything and we had a small house all on one floor. But she always used to say she was "holding "it (fill in the blanks)" for a friend. 'And my daughter also warned me, "Drug users lie. They will stare into your eyes, cry, and be lying."

I'd follow it up. Maybe a drug test once a week for a while. You only have this year. He is probably not as naive as you think.

Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.

 

[TerryJ2]

Speaking of only having this year, I just mentioned to my husband today that we have to make an appointment with-our atty to draw up some kind of POA or guardianship for difficult child, since he turns 18 in Dec. We want to be able to make him take his medications, take surprise drug tests, and somehow, not wipe out our assets if he hurts or kills someone after he gets his license. Think I'll start a new thread on this ...

 

[BusynMember]

I'm not sure you can just ask for guardianship. He has to be deemed disabled. My son has been labeled disabled for a long time. Also, he was compliant with having a guardian. Is he receiving disability? Has he been deemed disabled? That would have to happen first with some intensive testing. You can't just get it for, say, ADHD or being impulsive. My son has been Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified since toddlerhood, was drug exposed as a baby, and always behind in school. Many kids with Aspergers do not qualify for guardians. Usually they need to also be cognitively delayed. My son's second diagnosis is cognitive disability not otherwise specified.

I would check into it. It was easy peasy for us and, again, Sonic was good with it. But I am not sure it is easy to get legal control of an adult without their consent unless they are clearly disabled. The parents who have guardianship that I know of are from the Special Olympics group. These kids clearly will never be totally independent, much like Sonic.

 

[TerryJ2]

Thank you.

 

[DammitJanet]

After all these years "knowing" you and difficult child I seriously dont think you will get guardianship over him at 18. Your son is pretty intelligent with a fairly high IQ if I am remembering correctly. If a person can function at a basic level you wont get it. I think MWM got hers so easily because her son pretty much wanted it.

Now as for the lovely sculpture...I have to admit a actually laughed out loud over this. I didnt know kids were still using them much anymore. Im sure they leave an odor but we always used them either outside or somewhere else. We also had dumb parents who didnt know a thing. Holding for a friend....still giggling...lol

 

[BusynMember]

Janet, no, he got it because he IS disabled cognitively. It is the biggest key, other than the kid is so drugged up his braincells are fried. My son participated in Special Olympics and was in Special Education and has had a diagnosis of autistic spectrum disorder for years. But, yes, willingness is also a factor. You can't just want guardianship and get it because of immaturity or your child doesn't want to take his medications or you want to continue to control is choices. It is for those who can not function without support. I don't think she qualifies either, but not sure about it. We pretty much had it in the bag. I never heard of somebody getting guardsinship unless the adult child was not able to take care of himself. That doesn't mean WON'T...it means CAN'T. But we shall see. I think most of our difficult children could use extra parenting, but there are civil rights laws and it's not easy to get it.

However, Janet, my son can take care of his needs in his own home and can follow directions and work. I think that "cognitive disability not otherwise specified" was the key. Also...he really IS different and...hard to explain. He would have trouble making decisions that are easy for most people. But eventually, except for the money part, he may not need a guardian. I do almost no telling him what to do or setting rules. It is mostly handling his money and paying his bills out of his salary and social security for him. In fact, it is an accurate statement, that he makes all of his life decisions, although he likes to check in with me, and all I do is make sure his bills are paid. Today I'm taking him shopping. WE like to go together and I take out a certain amount of money he can spend on groceries. The only rules I have is no soda pop because he is obese and part of that is his soda part fetish. But I don't force him to get certain other foods. I like him as independent as possible.

 

[TerryJ2]

We have an appointment for a week from Tuesday. We'll put our heads together and figure out something. I'm guessing it will be a contract, but that we will not/cannot go to court.

 

[susiestar]

Once he is 18, anything he does is on him, not on you. My parents spent years worrying about this because they put my gfgbro in a school that didn't believe in 7th or 8th grade and put the boys (all boys school) from 6th gr into 9th grade. We moved right before his senior year and then he went to a reg school and all the trouble they were trying to avoid came right on back. He went to that school mostly because he needed a challenge as when he was bored he got into BIG trouble. Then they had to force him to go to college at 16 because otherwise they had a 16yo who was out of school doing nothing but causing trouble. It was NOT a fun couple of years for them, as you can imagine.

I think you would be only able to create a contract where living in your home and with your financial support only happened if he did certain things. Spell it out VERY clearly - drug tests, consequences for drug use, theft, suspicion of things, drinking, etc.... Spell out what EXACTLY you will and won't tolerate, provide, and your expectations as well as the ramifications of breaking the contract. Put into writing what you will evict him over and the amt of time he has to leave if he violates the contract. Be aware that unless specifically in the contract, you may have to give him a legal eviction notice to get him out of your home REGARDLESS of what he does. That can mean having a hostile adult teen in your home for 30-90+ days as he destroys everything he can get his hands on just because he is angry with you and your restrictions. Make it SUPER clear, and leave a clause that says that if he breaks any law he can be evicted with a specific amt of time for notice. I would spell out that ANY domestic violence or threat of DV results in automatic instant eviction of a permanent nature. I would put this in ANY contract with him regardless of whether you honestly believe he would ever threaten you. Otherwise it can get VERY scary. I have seen it firsthand and seen parents totally terrified for months until they could get an adult child out of their home - an adult child who was NEVER violent with them until that time. Make sure it is airtight and that you know it will be enforceable in your state.

State specifically what you will/won't be financially liable for, and check the state laws regarding what happens if he has an accident in your vehicle or brings someone home to spend a night. A friend of mine had her adult child bring a friend home for just one night and then had to deal with evicting the 'friend' who refused to leave for 2 months. In their state, one night in a residence gave you tenancy and you cannot just be asked to leave. Do NOT count on cops to know the residency laws as they often will interpret them to be what is easy for them. Specify who can stay overnight and under what circumstances just to be sure this does not happen to you.

I think you are very wise to get a contract written up before problems surface on that magic day of 'adulthood' where kids believe that you cannot make them do anything anymore. Be sure to put in that he has to let his docs speak to you or the medication/doctor situation could get difficult with him refusing to let his docs tell you anything. Make it non-negotiable if he wants any financial support from you. It is a common power play between kids and parents from what I have seen.

Good luck!

 

[TerryJ2]

Yes, that's exactly what we have in mind.

 

[TerryJ2]

It will bear more weight at the attorney's office, just as it bears more weight when the psychiatrist and therapist tell him the exact same thing we have told him, but he listens to them. They are authority figures.

 

[catbee]

Parents, NEVER believe the old addage: 'It's not mine, it's my friend's'. BS! Oops! (crash!...me bad--I didn't mean to drop it!) And don't even think of giving it away or selling it, not unless you want to be charged with distributing drug paraphenalia.