I don't know how much I shared about this, but I'll do my best now as I am hurting for my little girl. For the first time ever, I think I understand how many adopted children feel, even if they are cherished by their adoptive family--second best and rejected. My daughter doesn't know this happened and she won't know until she is old enough to handle it. N. has been on-and-off sad that her birthmother is not in her life. B. was in her life for two years. N. was basically relinquished because she is half-African-American and B. a very bigoted family who refused to help her parent N., although they opened their arms and embraced her first child, Z. who is half-hispanic. In fact, it was the grandmother who first called me about adopting N. She was the main cheerleader to have N. out of the family. Hub and I really hit it off with B., the birthmother. In fact, she also met a doctor's family and decided that they were too stuck up and pretentious and that she didn't want that kind of life for her baby. We were all very close for two months before she delivered and even named N. together. Meanwhile birthfather was sitting in jail on drug charges and armed robbery so he couldn't help her. Apparently, she never asked the sane part of his family for help though. (As an off-topic aside, N. has not inherited ANY of birthfather's anti-social tendencies. She is love and light and very much a caring person and also follows the rules so far.). Ok back to B (birthmother). She agreed to relinquish N. if we kept the adoption open and since we loved her, we said "sure!" Fast forward two years and B. was engaged to a wonderful man, African-American like N. and she loved him. He was a college grad with a great job and was wonderful with N. Then N's birthfather C. got let out of prsion and N. cheated on her fiance with C. and her fiance never forgave her. We didn't hear from B. for a long time and N. asked about her so we called her. A strange man answered the phone (we hadn't known that the wedding had been called off at that point. We still thought it was going on and that N. was going to be the flower girl. N., who was very precocious, understood all this and was very excited). When the man answered, I knew something was up. It wasn't her fiance. She got on the phone, but was very offputting and she spoke quickly to N. then got off. The next time we tried to reach her, her # was unlisted. Then we moved and unlisted our number because of our dangerous adopted son that we relinquished (long story). We didn't want him to be able to find us, but that meant that B. couldn't find us either. At that point in time, we didn't really care that much. She had let N. down so badly that we questioned whether it was good to have her in N's life until she matured. Well, N. is 12 now, and at the prime of searching for her identity. She would like to bring B. into her life. Behind her back, just in case it wouldn't happen, I performed my own online search. I am here to tell all of you that NOBODY can't be found, even by an amateur like me . All of you are "out there." I not only found B., but found her married name, address and phone number. To make it short, my sister called her phone number and got her hub, who was very nice at first. I have reason to believe that B. has married her first child's birthfather. Z. is hispanic, this man is hispanic, and this man was never a deadbeat dad. He was always a big part of Z's life and a good friend of B's, even when they weren't dating. My sister said the conversation went something like this. Sister: Hi. My name is A. and I'm wonderin if a B. lives there, age 33. Hub: Yes. Who are you? Sister: Tell her this is a call from PM's (my name) sister. Ask her if she'd like to talk. Hub: She just walked in. Hold on. Honey, this is PM's sister...(change of tone, very brisk). No, she doesn't want to talk now. Yeah, she has your number and can call you back if she likes. Bye! She didn't call back, of course. And if this man is who I think he is, he knows about N., just not MY name. It's not like he doesn't know B. relinquished a child. I never thought B. would EVER turn down a chance to have N. in her life. I am reeling at the unexpected response. If I hadn't known her so well before the adoption, I wouldn't have been so surprised. After all, this interrupted her life, the adoption has been closed for a long time, and SHE closed it, and you never know how a birthmother will react. But... My daughter is my main concern. She loves us both (dad and me) and has often said she thinks we are great parents. I believe her. This has nothing to do with us, it has to do with her. She was crying just before I searched, telling me she doesn't feel complete not knowing who she came from. She hopes birthmother is trying to find her. Also she wants to find out why she was given away, if it was because she was defective or bad in some way, that she feels like a throwaway kid. Nothing we do can make those feelings go away. I found a letter she'd written to B. and it was heartwrenching. She WILL search one day, and I'll be helping her, but I feel so sad for her now. This is the first time I think I understand how many adoptees feel. I'm so hurt for my child, even though she doesn't know anything about this. I feel like B. gave her up and now is putting her family before N., like N. is second best. I feel like N. will be sad when she finds out that B. married Z's dad and that the reason she was relinquished was because her family literally thinks African-Americans are inferior to whites. I hope B. handles that well when N. searches for her and asks, but she'll still feel like the odd one out. I understand B's wishes to just move on--I believe birthmothers feel so much pain and often can't bear to relive it--but I still hurt for N. She is such a great kid. But fortunately, N. doesn't know. She doesn't know...she won't know. Not now. I'm grateful that N. is so close to us. She wrote in her MySpace that her parents are great, her dad is her best friend, her mom is her partner-in-crime and that she loves her brothers and sister. I wish we were enough to make her feel whole. I think most adoptees go through this rejection bit and have to deal with it in their own ways. My Korean daughter, age 24, who got into drugs has a different perspective, partly due to her age and circumstances. She has info to search in Korea with--but she isn't ready. And she says she realizes she's lucky to be in the US and is happy to have her friends and family and SO of six years who have supported her, even during her drug days (but would she have done drugs if she wasn't adopted???). She says it's impossible to know, that she just had a wild streak in her and probably would have had the same streak even in Korea, then laughed and said her birthparents obviously were rebellious to have had a baby out of wedlock in a country that frowns on that. My oldest son and first adopted child came at age six from an orphanage in Hong Kong. His adoption status affected him profoundly. He was very upset by it, maybe because he came at an older age, and never attached. Now he is into being Chinese (his wife is from China) and has nothing to do with any of us. He joined a very cultish church too, part of his search for an identity, I think. This is hurtful to his dad and me, but we understand. And it's out of our control. My Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son has thought about being adopted, but has no interest in searching. He doesn't seem bothered by it. If anyone stuck with this whole post, thanks! It was more a vent than anything else. I'm so grateful to have had the chance to have parented all of my kids--I love them all desperately. I just wish I could shield N. from the inevitable hurt when she is older. But maybe B. will mellow out by then. She HAS to know that N. will find her. Of all five of my kids, I am the closest to N., and the most like her, even moreso than my biological son. Ok, I'm going to go now. Thanks for listening . I feel better now and N. is off rollerblading with her many friends. So she's not sad. It's me. And isn't it our job to feel pride for and hurt for our precious children?