From ADD and Depression to 51 50 to 52 50 to Conduct Disorder PLEASE HELP

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ebonyqueen209, Jan 21, 2010.

  1. ebonyqueen209

    ebonyqueen209 New Member

    Hello out there.. I am a single parent of 3 boys. Ages 14, 11 and 3. Where do I start.... August 2003 my 11 yr olds dad passed away. He was a victim of gang initation. August 2006 my 14 yr old lost his dad from a sudden heart attack. 2007 my youngest son's dad and I ended our relationship which also ended his realationship with the boys. He had been by boyfriend off and on since 9th grade. May 2009 my 14 yr old lost his grandfather(dad's father).

    This is when it all started. My 14 yr old has always had some problems in school. Preschool and Kinder they were conducting child study teams. 1st grade he was diagnoised with ADD and 3 1/2yrs speech delay(receptive and expressive). He started medication and life was going well. He graduated from speech 2 years later and was actually held back in the 2nd grade because he was still having a hard time catching up. He did well and went off to middle school. That was right about the time his father passed away. He shut down some at school and was evaluated for ED (emotionaly disturbed) and qualified. So then he was put into a special day class at another school. I will cut to the chase. I exited him out of that placement and he did well in regular ed with resource as he has always had. So a month before his 7th grade ended his grandfather passed from Cancer. Behaviors really started to esclate after this. Defiance to authority, problems at home, lies, slight bullying. Many of these started before the death. So again let me try and fast forward ahead. This school year he has attended 3 different schools from Aug to Oct (due to the fact that he was continously being suspended for bullying, stealing, and defiance) and was expelled for lighting a girls hair on fire. At that point I decided to home school him. Last weekend he decided to run away over a very small issue and there wasnt even an argument. At the end of the weekend I took him to a run a way shelter for youth, where he was allowed to stay 14 days after one week. I get a call saying he can no longer stay because he urinated over someones bed and spread feces over the bed. He also urinated in her koolaid and she drank it. I was out of town and the police was called and they put him on a 51/50 and after evaluation was admitted into a psychartic hospital. He has been there for 4 days and they extended the 51/50 to a 52/50. They were thinking add is not an issue and possible bipolar disorder then today they are saying Conduct disorder. There has been other situations with feces which concerns them. They say he is not at harm to himself or others and is close to coming home. They say that these issues will result in him being in jail. I am very afarid of him coming home. Can ANYONE give me advise. And yes, we had all types of counseling and he has a current counselor and psychiatric. Please HELP..... Sorry so long.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    It sounds to me like this young man has been through the wringer, in terms of the males in his life. I'm not saying you haven't - but this is from his point of view only.

    In his world, nothing and nobody is permanent. As for the problems starting before his grandfather died - if someone is dying of cancer, the grieving begins early.

    A lot of what could be going on with him, could be reactive. Psychiatrists could give it big labels and lump him in with someone who simply has turned out like your son but for very different reasons. It seems to me that the reasons are more important than tat, and need to be worked on actively, in fairly intense 1:1 therapy.

    Clearly if he continues along the same antisocial path he is headed down, he will end up in jail. But is he choosing to be antisocial in order to stop himself getting close to anyone ever again? Or is this more disturbed than that?

    I think the home-schooling decision was correct from one angle, but what it was doing, was forcing him to be close to you physically. From my own experience, the home-schooling has greatly increased the bond between me and difficult child 3. If in your son's mind this is dangerous for you or for him, he will be actively rejecting this increased connection to you and trying to sabotage it. Either he is afraid that the more he loves someone, the greater his chance of something bad happening to them, or perhaps it happens to everyone he gets close to so he doesn't want to ever get hurt again.

    Either way - he needs fairly urgent counselling. I would suggest you all do.

    It could at least be a good starting point.

    Is there a youth grief counselling service you can get him into?

  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi EQ, and welcome.

    Ideally, part of the discharge process should include referrals to resources in the community. Crisis intervention would be what I'd really be asking for in your case, I think. Hospital staff should be helping you identify who you can call if your son melts down at home again. I think respite is also a service that would be helpful - especially with you homeschooling. Obviously, counseling and psychiatrist should continue - I agree with- Marge that perhaps something focusing on grief issues might be helpful for him as well.

    For anyone to predict that these issues are going to land him in jail.... well, that really just burns my toast. No one has a crystal ball. The emphasis, in my humble opinion, should be on treatment, on teaching him coping skills so that he is able to make better choices when he's angry/frustrated/whatever, rather than just saying he's going to end up in jail and that's that. He's 14, for heaven's sake.

    How is the homeschooling going? Did he have an IEP when he was in school?

    Is he engaged in any activities outside the home? Sports? Would something like a Big Brother program be possible? Sometimes keeping the kids engaged in organized activities can be helpful, plus it will give you a break. Do you have a good support system for yourself?

    Again - welcome to the board- so glad you found us.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, EbonyQueen.
    Wow, all the boys have lost their dads in one way or another. Very hard. (For you, too!)
    Your difficult child has been through so much, I can see where he is coming from, and combined with his Learning Disability (LD), he needs consistency because he is having difficulties coping and expressing himself. It sounds like he has regressed.
    I agree with-the others, get him into intensive counseling, pronto.
    Don't just get on some list and wait for 6 mo's. The squeaky wheel gets the grease and all that.
    Sports would be great, too.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi Ya Queenie!

    Welcome to the Board & Family!

    Raising an ecnopretic child with ODD and Anger issues who is suspected of being Bipolar NOT MUCH FUN. Throw in loosing all the male influences in his life at different critical growth stages and genetic mish-mosh? Welcome to my world and then some. ;) Fortunately for us now? My son is 19 and no longer has those issues but it's been a really long road and a lot of severely intense therapy, anger management, and taught coping skills that did not sink in immediately. I think a lot of the things he learned from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff and therapists didn't really hit him until he was much older. Defiance still pays a price even when it's in the least restrictive environment. - UGH.

    Tough love seems to be the best teacher and detaching as a parent, but you feel so incredibly guilty because you already feel like life has dealt them a bad hand and then YOU have to go and be tough on top of things when you are supposed to be the one person they can turn to when life is falling apart. Raising children like ours is not for the weak of spirit. That's why it's a good thing to come here and have support and know that you are not the only crazy Mom in the whole world. Was I afraid of my child? Yeah. Scared to death of him. Were other people? Heck yeah. Would our own family therapist have spent a night in my house? NO WAY IN HADES. And that comment got him put into a locked psychiatric hospital where he could be observed and evaluated for longer and NOT come home and be a danger to us.

    He's 19 now, and if I told you our sad little story well - it's ours, and it's sad, and it's incredible I have any hair left. Him too I guess. lol. Snatch that child bald headed - :surprise: (just I am not) But he's 19 now....a convicted felon, living at home and finally FINALLY doing okay. (Says thanks be to God) There ARE programs where you can put children that are a danger to themselves and others. You just have to rattle and be the squeeky wheel.

    I'm not sure where you are......but if he's that dangerous and you're really afraid for him to come home to be around your other children, you can start with your local DSS or Mental health and see if there are programs available. Call your governors office and tell them that you have a child that is very unstable need help - what do they suggest? There are also groups like NAMI - National Alliance for the Mentally Ill in every state that can usually point you in the right direction. SOmetimes there are Federation of Families groups, Protection and Advocacy for Disabled people. These places are not going to just jump out and say "Hey we're here to take your kids" but they exist. Call the state psychiatric. hospital and talk to the counselor or nurse and ask them.

    The other option is to bring him home....and get some intense counseling and hope for the best. Put in applications NOW for Big Brother programs and beg for a big brother or shadow type person through a church or somwhere like mental health to offer Wrap services - (while I Find these useless - SOMETIMES they can offer RESPITE services as a weekend help for parents) ---and sometimes they can offer a mentor person through the week to help your son and just take him to play basketball or to the movies or mall.

    There is a wealth of information out there.

    Hugs & Welcome