Frustrated that adult daughter won't go to therapy

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Well since our last therapy appointment difficult child has not scheduled a new one. The therapist suggested that we put scheduling the next appointment in her hands since she was complaining about it and it was basically a waste of time. I basically have not heard from her. She talks to her dad and when I feel there is something she needs to know I have him discuss it with her. We don't discuss her at the house with easy child unless easy child brings it up and then we try to keep the conversations positive.

    Anyway my parents had been planning this Spring Break trip to the Dominican Republic and they wanted us all to go on it. After difficult child moved out husband and I decided that we were not interested in going but that we would still help with the fees for our girls to go. Of course there has been no communication between me and my parents since difficult child moved in with them. So I had no idea how much was needed or when it was needed. I had husband call yesterday and speak to my father about the trip and what was going on since we are now only 1 month out from Spring Break and I hadnt heard anything. Turns out they aren't going to the Dominican just heading to the Florida Keys.

    While husband was making the call to my dad easy child was in with her therapist and I guess decided to discuss it with him. easy child came out and told husband she does not want to go because she doesn't want to walk on eggshells around difficult child and she doesn't want to spend time with my mom because she is difficult. easy child has been complaining about spending time with grandma for years and we have always been there to make her keep that relationship open. But now she is 13 and honestly if she doesn't want to go I am not forcing her. Neither husband nor I have said anything to influence her decision we honestly want her to go so she can have some time with her sister before we move away.

    So last night easy child called the grands to let them know. I guess my mom made some comment about easy child not wanting to spend time with her. Then comes the Facebook post from difficult child. "You take my sister and you ruined my Spring Break." I knew it was aimed at me but I refused to play her games. husband on the other hand replied and pointed out that it was easy child's choice and that we had nothing to do with it. difficult child told him that he should make easy child go. husband then replied and said maybe if easy child wasn't so worried about having issues with you and grandma she would want to go. difficult child's last comment was "fine."

    LOL husband has not learned to let it go. We are going to get blamed no matter what. There is no point in even replying and playing her head games. What really makes me mad is that my parents are allowing this and doing nothing other than trying to make easy child feel bad for not wanting to go. Either way difficult child is so focused on herself she doesn't think about anyones feelings but her own. I miss her greatly but I am not going to spend every day trying to contact her and get a reply. It has to be a give an take.
  2. gsingjane

    gsingjane New Member

    In terms of the specific situation with the easy child and the grands and the vacation it's hard to know what to say! It definitely sounds like your difficult child is succeeding in sucking everyone into "the vortex" of the drama!

    On the therapy... my own take on this is, if difficult child doesn't want to go, isn't cooperating, isn't being honest with the therapist, isn't taking any of the therapist's suggestions or advice then... it IS a waste of time to go. Therapy works as well as the person cooperates. You can send someone for therapy for years and if the person never takes anything to heart or outside of the therapy room, then it truly is a waste of time and money.

    Good luck to you - it certainly sounds stressful and upsetting at the least!
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I remember t he grands, the ones that undermined your authority with difficult child then allowed her to stay with them, thumbing their nose at you. I think your easy child sounds grounded, logical and just fine. She'll get over her grandparent's disappointment. As for difficult child, not sure why you even bother reading her FB. She tries to hurt you. She will have to learn that her poor choices will not allow her to have it all.
  4. I think your easy child made a very mature and thought out decision with the help of her therapist. What kind of a vacation would that be for her?

    I'm sorry things are the way they are. I certainly understand your hurt and frustration. I agree with gsingjane - if she doesn't want to go to therapy then she won't participate. It'll be a waste of time and money in my opinion. We went through this with difficult child and it was incredibly frustrating at at $100 an hour it was frustratingly expensive. It changed nothing because difficult child just shut down and didn't listen or argued his own point but refused to hear what the therapist had to say.

    I understand missing your daughter. I don't hear from my difficult child unless he wants something from me and it really hurts. I feel like he has thrown me away like I mean nothing and sometimes the pain is almost unbearable.

    Big hugs to you. Hang in there. Talk about it, don't hold it in, take care of you.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's so difficult when when our kids act the way your difficult child is. She has found a way to be with your parents and not be accountable for her actions. Your parents have made their choice as well. So be it. Perhaps in time they will all realize they didn't have to throw you overboard in order to have their lives be the way they wanted, perhaps not. In any case, go and live your lives without them, practice detachment and find your serenity in spite of whatever choices they make. You will find peace of mind and I believe have a lot more fun too.