frustrated, with the bus, with myself...

[buddy]

Yeah, I think it is maybe time to go to the doctor to talk about my mood. On Sat Q was awful during the transition to my dad's house and I held it together fine. I came up on a stop sign that I noticed too late and hit the breaks hard and stopped fine, but it was rainy so I slid a tiny bit and it squeaked. There was a jogger and his chick running toward that intersection but they were half a block away when it all happened. When he got to the stop sign where I was still waiting for them, he started yelling at me to pay better attention etc. I rolled my window down and totally told him off. I swore and said I was sure he had never ever made one single mistake when driving etc. (I have zero tickets and zero accidents caused by me in my life)..... I let all my rage from Q out on this guy and I am guessing he is going to look at middle aged mothers as not so easy a target in the future.
Today I am ****** about the bus again, they sat him in the third row (it is a little bus) and put the aid next to him. HOW is this better than the damn van? They call me, ask for my input, I say if he has a bus he can be in teh back and they can be in the front. Kids like Q need space, a safety bubble around them.
So they get the bus and instead of dealing with the actual problems and using known behavioral methods that work (space, quiet, no talking etc.) they make up a f-ing problem that they are worried he will play with the emergency door (which has never happened in 14 years of riding a bus, not even has he talked about doing that) so they sit him near the driver put the aide behind him, give him less personal space and when I hear that things are not working out I am going to go tell them to go f themselves. I am not a person who swears and it all is coming to my mouth so easily right now. I am frustrated and crying and my mind knows this is not even a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

So that is why I think it is ME....that I need a vacation or medicine or something. I am just frustrated with myself for not being the person I know I can be. I can be much kinder and more forgiving and I hate myself like this.​

 

[TeDo]

Yes, you need to get thyself to a therapist at the very least. You have been under a TREMEMDOUS amount of stress for a very long time and you are still dealing with behaviors that are physically abusive. You are on high alert for more attacks and you are waiting for the other shoes to drop with the school situation, psycho's charges AND the new school. You need help processing these things and yes, you might need to go on medications to get you through this BIG stuff.

You have a GREAT heart and I know you'd normally not react this way. You've been plugging away no matter what for way too long. You can't keep it up. You need to get some help to get YOU back. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. YOU matter and YOU deserve better.

 

[buddy]

I can't do a therapist unless there is a free clinic that does not take income into account. I only have the reduced medical clinic that I can go to...no dental or therapy stuff. Cant find any anywhere. My only outlet is you all.

 

[Malika]

Buddy... it's the biggest cliche, I'm afraid, but please do be kind to yourself (include yourself in your "be kind to" list ) Of course you feel this way. You are a human being who has been living under very considerable stress. Considerably stressed reactions are arising in you. 2 + 2 = 4, you know? Thinking you "shouldn't" feel this way is just not realistic, not how it is. The feelings are arising. Can you try to observe them as they arise rather than raging at the next idiot you meet on the road? For your sake, I mean, just as much as his... Like all these things it is one to file under Easier Said Than Done and I shall try to remember it next time I am about to lose it with young J.
Can you try to build special times with friends and/or sisters into your schedule - or times when you do something that really makes you feel connected and joyous (and that doesn't cost too much money). A walk in the woods, along a canal (do you have those?), going to see a film, doing a yoga class, going for a swim? This is perhaps as important to you right now as just ingesting medicine, although I don't mean to dismiss that as a possibility. Hugs. And a cyber bunch of flowers - what do you like? Zinnia? Roses? A simple handful of spring daffodils?

 

[keista]

I am not a person who swears and it all is coming to my mouth so easily right now. I am frustrated and crying and my mind knows this is not even a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Welcome to the club! I think the fact that it's Spring has a lot to do with it to.

Yes, get yourself to a psychiatrist. Even though it may pass, you never know how long it will take and it's so not fun living through it.

 

[family mum]

Hi Buddy, I do the swearing thing when I'm tipping over the edge too, and like you I'm not usually much of a swearer when things are good. Funny enough, this is usually one of the first signs I witness when difficult child is loosing it too)

I'm on sick leave and taking medications for depression, I just went through my GP, not a therapist.

I think Malika has something there when she says you need to do something for yourself. Why not give yourself a home mani-pedi, it's free and makes you focus on yourself for a bit.

 

[hearts and roses]

Dee,

I was the same way - exploding on everyone, so over the top reactions!!! I scared myself. I saw my Dr and she put me on prozac. prozac is the number one medication for women of a certain age with anger issues. Along with therapy, prozac has been proven to help 'temper' our varying mood swings and unusual reactions to simple stressful situations, frustrations, etc. It has certainly worked for me. I no longer explode on perfect strangers who block my entry at the local Mobil station or the poor property manager at my office, or H or the kids.

Do you have a Catholic church nearby or a local YMCA? They often have facilities that offer therapy on a sliding scale based on income. It may be worth looking into just so you have another outlet, even if it's only once a month.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Buddy... This affects Q. Therefore... start with Q's psychiatrist. They will know of some way to get you what you need.

 

[buddy]

I hadn't thought of church, I have had to be away from church for so long, that I dont rely on them at all. I had such terrible experiences with no one tolerating Q in any of the programs etc. It really made me mad and upset, I felt like they were such hypocrites. But Q just asked me this week if we could go to church. I was raised Catholic but I really dont care where we go as long as they are open. My sister has been with the Presbyterian church for a while now and finds them to do better in the acting the life not just talking about it area.

I told Q that people like to pray and do not want to be interrupted and he said he wants to pray in church too. So, maybe it is time.?

I could maybe even get our Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker to switch one day to Sunday, with all our therapies it limits their time together and it is far for her too.

HMMM......

I had been on antidepressants for a long time, much of my adulthood in fact. but for the last five years I have been off of it and have felt better than ever. I wake easier, have more energy off them etc. But when I had depression it for sure helped with those symptoms. I don't really feel depressed at that level at all, not at all hopeless or uninterested in life. Just stressed and obviously easy to tears or anger. On the outside people think I am so calm I am almost detached but that is not it, I have to stay neutral to keep Q on an even keel. I would prefer not to be on medications, I physically feel much better off them. I wont jeopardize our progress though so if I need it I would do it. I suppose I could ask if they think it is at that level but I suspect they will say yes because that is what they do.

I really do better when I can talk to someone so maybe looking for a church situation or other situation like that would be helpful. YMCA has counseling??? I had no idea, not at all what ours are known for but maybe??

Malika, I could make more of an effort to use the three times per week Q is gone to be with others, I tend to climb into bed with my phone by me waiting for that emergency call that I have to go help them. It rarely happens, but I go through that all the time because of the transition home issue. Now, he will be coming home so late that it wont be as big of an issue, the kids will be in the house at least till school ends. I will try to do better.

 

[hearts and roses]

Years ago when I was trying to figure out why my first marriage was failing, just after easy child was born, I went to counseling at the Y and it was all sliding scale - I got my best counseling there! I had to try a couple of the counselors, but the third one was fabulous and I saw her for two years! When I was younger I went to Catholic Charities for therapy, it wasn't the greatest but my mom only paid about $3/visit. Check into those programs - there may be help for you nearby.

 

[AnnieO]

When you are under stress, things get to you.

in my opinion, the jogger should've kept his dang mouth SHUT. He deserved what was coming to him.

Re the bus and their "solution" to a problem that doesn't exist... If it's such a HUGE problem... Put him in the second to last seat. What a crock of @#$%^&*(...

 

[keista]

Buddy, one thing I constantly remind myself and my friends is that the depression does not have to be in a crisis state to affect our lives or to benefit from some medication support. "Manageable" levels of depression can quickly escalate to crisis level. We're supposed to get help for ourselves before we get there.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Our psychiatrist says there's a grey line between all this stuff... depression, anxiety, ptsd, etc. It doesn't have to be "depression" to need help - but if you don't get help, you can end up there. And... many of the medications that work for depression, also work for anxiety and ptsd.

 

[welcometowitsend]

TeDo is so right. I have only been on here for a couple of short weeks and I am so amazed at how you have handled yourself and all the situations in just this short period of time - with everything.

You need a break, a massage, some medication to get you through, someone to talk to, vent at, scream at if need be. A person can only take so much without some kind of respite.

Please give yourself a break and focus on you for a little while. You are very strong but even the strong need to rest sometimes.

 

[AnnieO]

I have to agree with keista and IC... My panic attacks went away almost 100% on the Lexapro. And during that time, if anyone had a reason for panic attacks, I did...

 

[buddy]

Thanks all, Step, Lexapro worked great for me too, the best, Prozac didn't work. But (at that time anyway, maybe this has changed??) Lexapro was not generic so once my insurance stopped I switched to Paxil which was ok too, not as good as lexapro. What I found interesting was that I had been on it so long that I didn't realize until I was off of it how much better I felt off of the medication. Maybe that was because by that time I truly didn't need it? It was not the emotional part, it was that I had a ton more energy, I could exercise and lose weight, I just felt much much better. If I could handle this in any way other than medications I would chose that first. But if I need medications I will take them, I wont risk the big picture over a little energy drain from medications.

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

right now you are just very shortly past a time of great stress and strain that included an attack of your son by an employee of a public school. The entire situation you lived in for MONTHS was akin to being at war. You had to constantly fight Q's school to make them do the bare minimum and then after school hours you had an angry, upset child who is physically abusive and has limited ability to be held responsible. There has got to be some fear of Q going on and some part of you that feels guilty for feeling that way.

I DO know where you can get free, totally free, no payment allowed help. It is called a domestic violence center. You NEED it. Q's behaviors are not the typical abuser behaviors because he isn't really capable of forming intent and it is a brain problem. But that is Q's side of things. Your side involved all the same feelings and fears and fight/flight instincts of most any other abused person. You can learn how to work through these and the DV center CAN help you. I strongly urge you to call and make an intake appointment. STRONGLY.

You also need to talk to your doctor. I don't know if you are in menopause/perimenopause or whatever, but it can also cause a LOT of what you are describing. That can be helped plus there are some things you should do for your health like reg mammograms and otehr screenings. the doctor can get the referrals done and can check your hormone levels. it may be that an estrogen supplement makes a giant difference.

Lexapro is still fairly expensive, but if you need an antidepressant and lexapro worked for you, consider asking the doctor for citalopram. It is on the walmart $4 list and is very closely related to lexapro. Usually is one works very well, a closely related a/d will also work. I knwo it had worked this way for my husband and kids.

Sending lots of hugs. I am sorry you are so miserable. (((((hugs)))))

 

[InsaneCdn]

Buddy... this is only partly tongue in cheek...

Maybe it's time for a counter-suit against psycho and the school district? THEY need to be paying for your medical care due to PTSD caused by the damage to Q and his new behaviors. (and they need to pay for a bunch of other things, that's just for starters)

 

[buddy]

Susie, I called the domestic violence center and they said none of the people they serve even have kids who hit them, for any reason much less a disability. She said no one would be able to relate to me. Oh well.

 

[family mum]

I think that bulls**t! Domestic violence is domestic violence. Anyone who is abused should be able to relate and certainly the councillors should be able to help!