Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by greenrene, Apr 26, 2012.

  1. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    My stress/anxiety/depression has been abnormally high for a couple of months now due to easy child 1 dealing with migraines of unknown origin that have, so far, resisted treatment. Just had a medication increase, hoping for the best.

    With that said...

    I'm having a really hard time with difficult child. This additional stress has, I think, made it even more difficult to deal with her. I swear I'm wanting to just strangle her on an almost daily basis - she is just constantly stomping all over my very last nerve. EVERY WORD OUT OF HER MOUTH it seems is either a manipulation attempt, belittlement, attention-seeking, or a disrespectful dig. If there is a conversation going on anywhere near her, she INVARIABLY tries to make it about her. Every single time. Even if it has nothing whatsoever to do with her. I can't have a conversation without difficult child butting in. It is MADDENING.

    I've told her SO many times that her life would be so much easier if she could just learn to SHUT UP sometimes. Geesh.

    Just venting, really. I don't have much of an outlet in real life. And I DO love difficult child, I just can't stand her a lot of the time. That sounds awful, I know. But it's the truth.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    OH gosh sorry. She sounds really stuck in a negative place, yuck.

    I spend lots of time explaining that not every thought in our thinking bubble needs to come out....the thoughts can STAY in the thinking bubble, really they can! (rarely works though, sigh)
  3. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    She is very attached to her grandmother (my mother in law). I totally understand that - mother in law has always been a strong, loving influence in her life. I'm the evil stepmom, biomom can't take care of her, but grandma is always there. HOWEVER, she has to share grandma with 6 other grandkids, all of whom are around quite a bit, and she does NOT like that. She is INCREDIBLY jealous of her cousins/siblings in this regard, even though my mother in law is really good about treating everyone fairly. I keep trying to tell her that it's not all about her, that when grandma says something positive about another grandkid it is NOT a slam on her, etc etc ad nauseum - ugh! It's so exhausting to deal with, to the point that I want to check out on family functions because difficult child is so distracting and annoying. Like tonight we're having a family dinner, and difficult child has already started going on about going over there early so she can set the placecards so SHE sits next to grandma. This jealousy issue of hers is so frustrating.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Could she be dealing with a less-severe form of attachment disorder?
    No, not Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - that's the extreme form.
    But... it doesn't take much for kids to develop insecure attachment... They are still able to form attachments, but not necessarily healthy ones.
    If this might be her challenge at all... let me know, and I'll see if I can track down an old post of Buddy's that explains some of the "flavors" of insecure attachment.
  5. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    You also wrote in your sig line that she has some NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD).

    Maybe part of the problem about "shutting up" is that she does not catch the non verbal cue of "not the moment to speak". And her ADHD does not help either.
    I know you are fed up with her talking all the time, but telling her that life would be easier if she learnt to shut up sometimes is not the most helpful, either for her, either for you. I understand your being fed up, but it's absolutely not helpful. What do you think she learns after you scream to her "if you would learn to shut up sometimes, life would be easier" ? Do you think that she stays quiet longer, that she does not interrupt your conversations again ?
    So short relief, long grief.

    Do you think that you can convene her about a card which says "not the moment to talk to me" ? Or about a key sentence to get the same message ?
    Or if you go to an isolated room with your easy child and write a paper on the door saying "Do not disturb", like in a hotel ?
    I know you may not be happy to do something like that, but it will probably save you, easy child and difficult child a huge crisis. And it can help to decrease the levels of stress at home. So it may help to stop this vicious circle you are trapped into.

    Hang in there, you are not alone
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm on board here with looking into attachment issues, which does not mean full blown Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but can get in the way of a well rounded, functional life and acceptable behavior. After all, she must have spent three years in chaos and that's a lot to a developing child's brain.
  7. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Insecure attachment is certainly a possibility. Her biomom is a piece of work, and although I know she loved difficult child, she was not the best caregiver.

    It's difficult to remain calm without yelling and screaming - I have 2 younger children, and I try VERY hard to maintain a peaceful household for their sake, despite the chaos difficult child can bring. Yes, I lose it sometimes, but when I say that I tell her that her life would be easier if she'd just learn to shut up, nowhere did I say I was screaming at her! I am very point-blank with her because subtlety doesn't work.

    Her mouth gets her in SO much trouble though, from the thinking everything is about her and also just from refusing to stop pushing my buttons when she's mad about being told to do something she doesn't want to do. She also likes to pick at easy child 1 relentlessly, which I refuse to tolerate.

    I'd be interested to read more about the "flavors" of insecure attachment - I'm pretty sure it applies to her, and I KNOW it applies to me.
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I have a suggestion about easy child 1's migraines. I've suffered from headaches/migraines since I was young. I spent MANY days after school just lying on the couch, with a cold cloth over my eyes in hopes of getting the pounding to stop. Can you son swallow a pill? I've read that the National Headache Foundation suggests a few things that might help, and they are vitamins and/or supplements. What has helped me is taking 500 mgs. of magnesium and 400 mgs. of vitamin B2 a day. Since easy child 1 is a child I would maybe give him a smaller dose, but these have actually made an incredible difference. A friend of mine also takes something called feverfew (I had never heard of it, but she said it was an herb that you can get at the health food store) and that CoQ10 is supposed to help as well.

    If you start anything, give it a few weeks to build up the levels in his body and see if it works. Like I said, having been a kid who suffered through headaches I know how bad they can be. I hope you are able to find some relief for him.

    I also understand how you feel about your difficult child. There are truly days when my difficult child grates on my very last nerve, too. Some days everything out of his mouth is mean, nasty, or just downright disrespectful. Patience can be so hard to find. I, too, have been guilty of telling him to just shut up, but that's usually when he's been going on and on and just won't give it a rest or leave me alone. Not that I'm saying that it's right, but I do understand.
  9. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    Thank you Bunny, I'll definitely take note of those supplements. easy child 1's neuro just increased his Inderal from 60mg to 120mg. I'm going to give that another week or so to see how it's working, and then I might give the supplements a shot.

    We are getting him tested for mono, and the neuro said that if the Inderal doesn't help, next step is to try Elavil. If THAT doesn't work, then he has to have a spinal tap. Poor kid missed 20+ days of school last quarter. It's been SO stressful - I've been flying by the seat of my pants to just keep my head above water and stay functional. His headaches are basically constant - the only real relief he's had since early Feb is when he's sleeping. :(
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member ON the left is a list of attachment on the one that says "types of attachment" There are other tabs like symptoms etc. Remember, this is a site for adoption, you can imagine many kids who are adopted have such issues, but many sites only discuss really seriously disturbed kids (can you imagine, I am saying yours and mine are NOT severe....yeah, it can be very very serious...but still even mild issues need specialized care and can really interfere with life....I suspect you will consider your difficult child moderate as I do mine...some pretty serious behaviors there....) Anyway, this site grew from concern of a couple of mom's with kids adopted from China but now it is a site that welcomes any situation that results in attachment disorders.

    Also they can have a little of this issue and a little of that. So dont worry if she is not the exact profile, the point is a direction for real help instead of just floundering in the therapy pond.
  11. greenrene

    greenrene Member

    I know how even mild attachment issues can really interfere with life - I'm living that in my own head. I was raised by a difficult child (my mom), and... yeah. I get it.