frustrated

[thycamom63]

I am new here. A little background for you. husband and I adopted our son when he was 8 yrs. old from fostercare. He will be 15 in a few weeks. We have made huge progress in his behaviors. When we first got him he had never been able to stay in school for an entire day and spent most of his day in the time out room because of aggression. Now 6 years later he no longer is in a behavior disorder classroom and actually only gets Special Education help for math and reading. His teachers tell us he is so polite and well-mannered. Unfortunately that is not the child that I bring home from school everyday. I bring home a mouthy, rude, disrespectful kid. Everyday after I pick him up we argue. He yells at me, calls me names, swears at me, makes fun of the dogs, and sings at the top of his lungs. Usually the songs are not nice, usually about killing or drugs or sex. This goes on for a couple of hours then he apologizes and turns nice again. It is exhausting to deal with. If I ignore him he just gets louder and we live in an apartment, I'm surprised the neighbors haven't called the cops. No matter what I tell him to do he is totally defiant. Also he will sometimes get this crazy laugh, like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining". I think his medications are off or just not working. He's on 600 mg lithium 2x per day, 15 mg abilify 2x day, and cogentin to counteract the abilify side effects.
Any suggestions on how I can deal with him? Do you think his medications aren't working? His actual diagnosis is psychosis-not otherwise specified and ptsd.

Thanks,

 

[susiestar]

Wow. I don'tknow how you put up with all that.

who diagnosed him and when was his last evaluation or visit to a psychiatrist? Do you know what his background is from before the adoption?

Maybe with this we can offer some suggestions. Why the lithium if there is no bipolar or mood disorder diagnosis?

I am just asking, wondering if there is something else going on.

Do you think he is dangerous? If so, take him to an ER immediately or call 911. We do no service to our children when we allow them to hurt us or others.

For your organiztional needs, we have a Parent REport that many of us have done and find very helpful in keeping all the medication stuff straight. You can find it here:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/parent-report-updated.225/

It helps you get all the info in one place, usually a binder, and then youcan give the docs what they need and what you want them to have.

Hugs,

Susie

ps. glad you found us!

 

[thycamom63]

Thanks susiestar,

His last psychiatrist visit was in September. We go back around Thanksgiving. He is the one that gave him the most recent diagnosis. He also has attachment issues, but most of those are healed. He is definitely attached to us.

He had been on practically every psychiatric drug known to man when we got him. The one thing that wasn't tried was a mood stablizer. It took us 3 psychiatrists to find one who would actually try it. He had been steadily improving until the last 6 months or so. psychiatrist says it's because we moved and he switched school districts and started high school. That is why he's acting out at home. He said that difficult child is able to maintain all day, but feels safe at home and lets his mouth run.

He is not a danger to anyone or himself. His problem is all with his attitude and mouth. Right now he's obsessed with finding some cd's for the computer. He has one in his room and he is digging around this computer looking for them. Now he's digging through stuff on the table. I told him to stop but he keeps on going. He's too clingy. He's almost 15 and is always right with me. I can't even go to the gas station without him coming along. I feel like he's smothering me because he's always by me. Sometimes he stands and looks over my shoulder at my email. He freaks out to be left alone especially at night. husband and I went out for our anniversary last month and he called us and his grandparents because he was scared.

Before we adopted him, he had been adopted before and that dissolved. He has had several placements including Residential Treatment Facility (RTF).

I think maybe I'm Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) because I can't handle all the noise. I used to be a music teacher, but I just can't stand him singing/screaming at the top of his lungs. The noise just sends me over the edge.

 

[TerryJ2]

Well, frankly, you just made this all too easy. You typed in the "answers" yourself.

I agree with-this:

He said that difficult child is able to maintain all day, but feels safe at home and lets his mouth run.

He is transitioning. He also feels safe. Big kid, big mouth, big issues.

His problem is all with his attitude and mouth. Right now he's obsessed with finding some cd's for the computer... He's too clingy. He's almost 15 and is always right with me. I can't even go to the gas station without him coming along. I feel like he's smothering me because he's always by me. Sometimes he stands and looks over my shoulder at my email. He freaks out to be left alone especially at night.

You said he has PTSD ... in his mind, he's still a small child. This will take yrs of training, in my humble opinion. You've made a lot of progress, and you've still got a way to go.

Any time he has a change, it's going to affect him Big Time, because of who he is and what he's been through. How often do you go to counseling? I think he's old enough and capable enough for Cognitive Therapy.

I think maybe I'm Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) because I can't handle all the noise.

Me, too. I can relate!

I'd talk to him while he's still at school (since he'll behave there), and tell him he gets $1 or $5 or whatever you deem reasonable, for ea 5 min. he leaves you completely alone. Then make it 10 min. And 15. Be sure to tell him you love him, etc. I'd start with-physical presence, and work up to the voice issues later. Or if he can go for 15 min. in a wk. you can get him a new CD. Obviously he values CDs ... so work with-what he wants as a reward. Do it bit by bit.
Also, you can send him on errands to another room to get something you need. "You are SO good at finding XYZ, and you're the only one who knows how to do it. Please go get it for me." That way, he's pleasing you, and knows you need him and his help, but you're giving him a task, and reassuring him of your presence because you will be right there to accept whatever it he you asked him to get.

Just some ideas ...

Good luck! Sounds like you've done a fantastic job so far!!!!!

 

[meowbunny]

Terry has given you some good advice. All I can offer are a couple of minor suggestions and lots of HUGS!

You're also going to have to find a way to gradually get him to give you a little more space. My daughter was very clingy but it was at a much younger age. I used to tell her I was taking a walk ALONE and leave for 5-10 minutes. I upped the time a little more every day. I don't know if your son will let you do this. He's old enough to insist on going with you and following you. As you know, there are no easy answers for kids who have been adopted at older ages, but you have made tremendous strides.

For the singing, the only thing I could suggest is earplugs and an iPod. This was my sanity when my daughter was raging.

by the way -- Congrats on surviving the thyroid cancer. Did you have this before or after adopting? It could be a factor in his being so clingy, especially if post-adoption.

 

[thycamom63]

Everyone has given me some really good ideas! Thanks!! I'm a 3 years survivor of thyroid cancer so it happened after his adoption. There was alot of family problems when I was diagnosed and I have a mother that tends to run her mouth before thinking and she told him he made me get cancer. She still tells him how he's making me sick and causing too much stress. I've talked to her about that, but it falls on deaf ears. Luckily they live in a different town.

He has therapy about every 2-3 weeks. His therapist is great and an expert on adopting older children.

Thanks again for the advice. I already feel better just knowing there are others who understand because my family and friends don't get it. They say I'm either too hard on him or too easy and a pushover.

Thanks