Frustrating Morning With difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Dec 4, 2012.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    easy child wants to go to extra help this morning, so I got him up a little earlier than usual because sometimes he just takes forever to get himself ready to go, plus I figured that if he got up a little early I could get him through almost all of his breakfast before difficult child came downstairs. Well, that last part didn't happen. Usually difficult child doesn't come down until about 7:10. This morning, I guess because he heard easy child and me going down, he came down before 7. This means I have to sit down in the kitchen with the two of them instead of doing other things around the house because I don't trust difficult child not to hurt easy child.

    While I was sitting there I decided to leaft through a cooking magazine that I bought. My friend is coming over tonight and I wanted to make a dessert out of it.

    difficult child chimes in with, "I want you to make those carmel bars that I like."
    Me: I'm not making those today.
    difficult child: But those are what I like!
    Me: I'm not making those today.
    easy child: difficult child, mom wants to make something out of that magazine.
    difficult child: Shut your f'ing a**hole mouth! No one asked you and I don't want you talking to me!
    Me: difficult child, you don't talk to him like that and he's allowed to speak.
    difficult child: Well, not to me he's not!

    Yeah, but he tells the therapist that he speaks to everyone here at home nicely and with respect and that I'm lying when I say he's doesn't. Good thing I tell the therapist that what really goes on!
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Yep, heard that conversation before. That's when my last words to difficult child 1 were "and easy child doesn't want you breathing his air so please leave the room" and I would make sure he did. Now, I just teach difficult child 2 to ignore what difficult child 1 says and to not butt into my conversations with difficult child 1. I appreciate that he's trying to stand up for me but it isn't his job and difficult child 1 won't see it that way so it's best to avoid the situation altogether. difficult child 2 is kind of starting to get it.
  3. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hi Bunny. Sorry you had One of Those Mornings. Just to make it clear from the outset... my post is going to be one to file under Easy to Say from the Outside, okay?

    Is there any chance the conversation could have gone like this:

    difficult child: I want you to make me those caramel bars I like!
    Bunny: Oh really? Yes, you really like those, huh?
    difficult child: Yeah, Mum, I really like them. Can you make them?
    Bunny: Not today, I'm afraid difficult child! There's something I want to make for my friend who's coming over. Another time, maybe...
    difficult child: Oh... but I like them!
    easy child: Mum said she can't make them, difficult child.
    Bunny: That's okay, easy child. difficult child understands that - he's just telling us how much he likes them!

    If you are thinking to yourself as you read that, "This woman doesn't understand a thing", forget I ever said anything... But I wonder if your difficult child is anything like mine? Mine is INCREDIBLY sensitive to how he is spoken to and affectionate respect can get quite surprising results sometimes. I think one gets into a real cycle that escalates the defiance and rudeness - one understandably reacts to what seems like selfishness or demands and this in turn increases difficult child's feelings of being disliked and ignored, which makes him ruder, and the adult more annoyed, and so on.

    As I say, if this doesn't apply to your case at all, please discard it.
  4. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Malika, we have done things like that in the past with difficult child, with mixed results. Sometimes he feels like he's been heard and sometimes he just doesn't care about anyone else's feelings. Yes, I'm sure that I could have answered him differently. I will admit that I can almost always do better.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Ugh! We just had one of those conversations the other day!

    difficult child screamed that DS is not allowed to speak to her, or near her, or do anything that might cause a noise that she would have to hear.

    I told her that if she was that aggravated then SHE needed to remove HERSELF from OUR space - because no one else was being bothered by simple conversation. Really, what was I gonna say to make it nice?

    Sometimes, that's all you can do...
  6. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Really, I wasn't blaming you, Bunny :) I have been there and done that, many a many a time. It's just that I recognise these escalating conversations and have had to learn to try to head them off at the pass. When I remember...
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Ooooo it gets so frustrating though, right? I gave Q a fresh toothbrush by putting it in his "spot" but anyone else would have thrown out the old, I.put it in the medication cabinet so if he fussed I could say they were there.
    So this morning instead of thanks for the new green toothbrush, where did my old tooth brush go? Instead of just telling him, since I've had a nasty couple of days with him I said I put them in the cabinet. He said why did you give me a new one....I said I thought youd like a (he loves new tooth brushes) and hoped youd say thanks, he asked why and I let last nights anger come out of my morning mouth....because I didn't want to hear dare you touch my toothbrush you are never allowed to do that without my saying its ok....I went on and on using his voice and words.
    He is trying to get on my good side (knows he's in deep doo doo) so he laughed and said I love my new toothbrush mom. He had a fit last week when I emptied the garbage can. Not that he would have!

    Stupid stuff, I understand it and can and do usually do better but sometimes these arguments are so tiring.
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    We've had days like that, too, DF. difficult child will have a fit because easy child it talking and I will say, "easy child is not talking to you. He's talking to me and I want to talk to him." difficult child will have a fit about how he doens't want to hear it. I'll tell him that he should leave the room then. He'll refuse and I will keep right on talking to easy child. USually, he will eventually get fed up and leave the room after a little while. Sometimes things escalate into ridiculousness.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    In regard to the kids fighting, I'm sure others here have better ideas. But I totally agree with-the conversation between you and difficult child. Start out with-a positive comment, that does not commit you to doing anything. "Oh, you really do like those, don't you?" is a good way to start out. When my difficult child was little, I learned to stop or at least slow down in the stores, for example, and let him touch things and tell me how much he liked them, and most of the time, he'd get bored and stop on his own. What I used to do was say, "No, we're not buying anything today," which was a surefire way to start WWIII.
    It makes me self conscious in regard to conversation, but it really pays off.

    I'm amazed that your kids even pay attention to what you're doing. My couldn't care less, most of the time!
  10. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I actually had a brain storm this morning! easy child asked me to buy marshmallows when I went food shopping and he was having a few of them in his hot chocolate this morning. difficult child was sitting at the table and I asked him if he remembered the time we made homemade marshmallows? He did and easy child's little eyes lit up? Can we make those again?? difficult child automatically said no, I think mostly because it's something that easy child wants to do and he seems to think that easy child should not be allowed to have any fun. I was thinking about it later after difficult child left for school and what I might do is suggest that I make the carmel bars with difficult child and the marshmallows with easy child. I'm not sure when I will accomplish this, but it was a thought. This way they both got something that they liked.