frustrations...

[ksm]

We spent most the weekend at church camp. It is a tradition that on Father's Day weekend intstead of having "church"at church... we go out to the camp and have a relaxing weekend. Why is it when I take difficult child and easy child it is anything but relaxing? First off, they wanted to invite friends, and I relented, but explained that they would need to tell their friends that clothing at church camp is "modest" by which I mean tshirts and shorts, but not "booty" shorts or skimpy (skanky?) halter tops. They were OK with that. Fast forward.... the friends didn't get to go... so just me, difficult child and easy child. difficult child is wearing a skimpy tank top. It wouldn't have been too bad, but she bought herself these "push up" bras, but there is nothing to push up. So since there is nothing to push up, the top of the bra sticks out about 1 inch from her chest. Then the tank top rests on top the bra. And... since difficult child is only 5 ft tall, anyone and everyone has a good view, if you know what I mean. I am actually seeing "nips" as she is sitting across from me in the car.

I explain to her privately (and this isn't the first time) that her bras are keeping her tops out away from her skin, thus leaving a gap that leaves everything visible. Luckily, when we arrived at the camp, it was time for swimming in the pool, so she changed in to her suit. After swimming she puts the same inappropriate clothes on! When I told her she had to change she went and put a camisole on over her bra and then the same tank top. It might have helped a tiny bit, but the effect was almost the same. Too low cut, but now two tops and one push up bra with nothing to push up.

Then today, the same thing... a different tank, same stupid push up bra. First she went canoeing, and luckily the life vest covered up her front. When she got back I told her to put on a t shirt. She did come back in a tshirt, but after the informal church program, it was time to swim and she kept the tshirt on over her swimsuit. (supposed to be a one piece or a tankini, or wear a top over if it is a two piece) Her's in a one piece in theory... but only because a small piece of fabric attaches the top to the bottom in the front. So now, the only tshirt she packed is wet and unwearable.

So... at lunch time, she comes back to the dining hall and I found out she had packed a "dress" that she bought with her baby sitting money. It was cut too low (same push up bra!) and it had spaghetti straps, had a high low hem (short in front, long in back) and TOTALLY inappropriate for church camp. I wanted to hide. Other girls her age attended and they all wore shorts and tshirts. You would think positive peer pressure would have helped... but no! After lunch, I asked her to go change in to clothes si she can help with the clean up (putting chairs away, wiping down the tables, etc)... but instead she went out and played a table game with other kids. easy child asked to ride back with the ministers family so just difficult child and I rode home together. I think easy child had just had too much of difficult child for the weekend.

Why doesn't difficult child get it? Does she really think she is impressing people at church camp by dressing like that? It has gotten to the point that I don't even want to take her anywhere with me. I am embarassed to be seen. I can talk and explain, and she agrees to the clothing requests I make ahead of time, but then keeps doing the same things over and over. The clothes themselves are not totally inappropriate... it is the time and place and the stupid push up bras that make regular clothes inappropriate.

Thanks for letting me vent... KSM

 

[BusynMember]

Some teens go for the shock value factor. She may be one. She may be more interested in shocking her peers than fitting in with them. Also, she may just not care what is the "right" way to dress at a church camp. My oldest was like that as a teen. She used to try to sneak out of the house with black lipstick on and all black clothes. When I asked Daughter why she dressed in all black, she said, "It's me. It's who I am." Whatever. I made her change, but I'm sure she found a way to change back before she got to school. She didn't want to fit in with the "nice" kids at that time.

This is usually just a phase. As they get older, they tend to have better taste.

Sorry your difficult child gave you grief.

 

[StressedM0mma]

Since it has become such an issue, I would inspect all of her clothing prior to leaving the house. If she has a problem with it, I would calmly explain to her that since she cannot pack things that are event appropriate, you will look through it, and repack if necessary. And, the bras would be in the garbage at my house. I would take her out to Victoria's Secret, have her sized, and then but her the correct size either there, or somewhere else. And she is not to bring any other bras or other undergarments into the home without your looking it over. Even difficult child knows that dressing appropriately is a non-negotiable issu here. Sorry she is being so difficult.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sorry, ksm. With your difficult child... most of the suggestions I could come up with won't work.
(yes I have a teen girl... but she really isn't a difficult child.)

 

[Liahona]

Lots of difficult children have no clue about appropriate clothing. difficult child 2 likes to wear sweat pants year round with one leg down and the other pushed as far up as possible. All of them have no clue as to why they would need to wear clean clothes or church clothes to church. Sunday is a big battle here. I gave up on the Sunday shoes, but I won on the shirts and pants. There are so many (mostly) unspoken social rules about clothing especially with teenagers even pcs have a hard time with it.

I like the idea of getting her sized at the mall. Good luck. This is one area where I'm glad my difficult children are boys.

 

[SuZir]

I understand your frustration. I too think, that appropriate, more flattering underwear could be in order. If she wants to use push-ups, and remember that when she looks to mirror, she sees herself from straight in front, not from up like many people, it seems likely she is frustrated with her lack of breasts in this point. Maybe bras with those silicon fillings would make her feel better about the matter? They do make shirts sit nicer and make her be more patient with growing the real things - or learning to appreciate the good points of having little natural filling for bras. Body shaping underwear are not really cheating but just dressing up

 

[EndangeredCheerleader]

Oh my, KSM. I agree with others, it's probably best to help her pack when clothing choices matter to you. Why set everyone up for a weeklong battle?

Poppy has never been able to pack appropriately unless she's helping to pack somebody else. (Why is that?! Stinking Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)!) I have her present outfits for inspection and send her back to rummage as many times as needed. It's an exercise in patience but at least it's all worked out before a trip.

 

[DDD]

Supervision is needed. I do NOT envy you.........but it is what it is and you are the Mom. Meanwhile sending hugs because these phases are so blankin' difficult. DDD

 

[ksm]

Thanks for the ideas and sympathy... A teen girl difficult child is a whole 'nother creature.

We don't have a good place to buy bras in our community, so will try to do it the next time we go to the larger city about an hour away. I'll let her keep the bras she bought, but will put them away. Maybe she will grow in to them ;-) We only have JCP, Sears, Target, Walmart. Used to be a good Dillards who had sales clerks who could also do bra fittings... but they shut down last year.

And I WILL be checking luggage if there is a trip in our future. husband and I have got to the point where we dread going away from home with difficult child. Remember, on spring break this year we found she had self pierced her nose, tried to run out of the condo, and went to bed with the drapes wide open. Also... much attitude and yelling about how lame we are. Of course, she didn't have any friends whose families took them on a week break in a nice condo and amusement park. I am lame because we don't let her run around by herself at night, and try to keep the drapes closed when sleeping on a sleeper sofa across from a picture window and the walkway for the whole condo building.

There have been numerous times over the school year when I refused to drive her to school until she changed. Like... short shorts and halter top in 20 degree winter weather. Stilettos. Ripped jeans that were ripped where they shouldn't be. And just so it is clear, I don't buy this stuff for her, or even give her an allowance so she can buy this stuff. She gets things from friends, spends her babysitting money, or "alters" things I have bought with scissors.


I've got three more years til 18... but I know that I will probably be dealing with this stuff even longer. I don't see her being the type to grow up anytime soon. And if she is like her mom, she'll be 44 and still couch surfing. ugghh. KSM