Fuming! Yes another mother in law vent!

[totoro]

We went to dinner Friday, husband suggestion just to see how mother in law would do with her Dad and the girls and us... to see how GreatGrandpa was really doing.
We invited them over to the house after for S'mores.
This was all told to them before we met them for dinner. husband was hoping mother in law would have the $*#* to tell her Daddy to stay home. NOPE So he was looking horrible at dinner.
He collapsed on a car outside of the restaraunt leaving... still not a big enough sign?
So they bring him over anyway!?!?
He can barely walk. husband made a couple comments about him not doing well. mother in law was like he is OK.

We are just staying out of it at this point... She can do what ever she wants. It is on her.


So then she takes the girls last night to give us a *break* we begged them to take it easy... N is getting over this cough. K has not been doing well.

NOPE... movies, playgrounds, showing them off to friends, all kinds of running around.
N sounds horrible, she is coughing non stop. husband just ran to the store to get some Vapor bath.
K is out of it. But I did get her to do her homework from last week.

We were supposed to go somewhere for an apt tomorrow night. But I am going to have to go alone now. I am not leaving the girls again this close to the excitement of THanksgiving.

I just am so mad. She gets so mad at me and cries and says she gets it. And then this.

We are going to talk to our therapist and see if she will see them and talk to them about all of this.
About how we are not *faking* K's illness and we are caring parents and not too strict etc...

UGH sorry I am just flabbergasted.

It is just visibly so bad for both of them. husband has the look of fear on his face.
Momma aint happy!

 

[Jena]

Wow is all I can say. You are just in for a rough run of it unfortunately. I'm sorry they are causing you so much stress.

I can't believe he fell outside of restaraunt, that's soo not good and yes totally a sign!

I'm sorry to hear N is coughing again, after them running kids all over. They just aren't very respectful of yours and husband's wishes at all, are they??

 

[crazymama30]

I am sorry. I cannot handle my own mother in law, but she lives thousands of miles away. There is no way I could live in the same state, let alone the same city as her.

Toto, some people will not accept mental illness. Period. My father in law is that way. He does not know husband is BiPolar (BP), and just thinks difficult child has ADHD. He thinks ADHD is a bunch of bunk, and that husband is just lazy. husband cannot work as he has chronic pain(father in law thinks he should just buck up. Some days he almost falls over trying to stand up after sitting on the couch) and that he is lazy(there are times when he just cannot function around others, so he stays home. Applying for disability). husband and I just keep our distance, Step mother in law and father in law have not had any consistent contact with our kids since the kids were toddlers. They only live 10miles away. I do not want them around my kids, especially difficult child, if they are not willing to understand his issues. I just have come to the conclusion that I will see them on special occasions only, and try to minimize that. They just stress me out too much.

 

[totoro]

I know the and thanks!
THe problem is husband and his StepDad own a company together!
And he and his Mom are pretty close...
She wants to get it, but I think she just can't really grasp that her Granchild can be Mentally Ill.

 

[flutterbee]

It's soooo hard when they don't understand. been there done that except it was/is my own mom.

Eventually, you just accept that they don't understand and probably never will even though you continue to try to educate them. And you lay down the law regarding what is and isn't appropriate if they want to have the kids or they don't get to have time alone with them.

 

[gcvmom]

Sorry she is such a PITA for you. I've come to the decision to limit my kids' exposure to husband's parents for similar reasons. The last time we left mother in law in charge with the kids for any length of time (during husband's surgery last winter), she got into a slap fest with difficult child 2 because he was rude to her (of course, he was hypoMANIC at the time, too). After that, he cried that he wanted them to go home NOW! Pretty sad. I understand why she slapped him, but I'll never forgive her for it. And since she has so little understanding and self-control, she's ruined her chances of a close relationship with my kids forever. Period. I won't leave them in her care overnight ever again. There comes a time when you have to decide whether or not to continue the effort at their education, or if it's better to just set your boundaries and stick to it. It may feel hard at first, but I think it ultimately makes life easier for everyone if you can do that.

Good luck!

 

[Andy]

I am so sorry. For difficult children, too much fun really is a bad thing. Some people just don't understand what feeling overwhelmed truly is about for our difficult children and great grandpas.

 

[Wiped Out]

Sorry about the stressful situation with your mother in law. No fun. I have issues with my mom but we don't live in the same city. Thankfully I lucked out in the mother in law department!

 

[Hound dog]

Toto it's tough when grandparents can't/won't get it. been there done that. Not always is it on purpose. For their generation there is alot of ignorance and stigma attached to mental illness. It can be huge to wrap your mind around when you have the truth and the facts in front of you.

Respecting your wishes as parents is a different thing all together. If it were me, from now on there would be no visits after an illness until your certain they're over it. If you don't want them run all over town ect, you might want to set a pick up time and limit the length of visitation so that she just doesn't have time to run them all over. If she can't do that, skip a few times and state this is the reason. Period.

As a grandma, I'd love to spoil my grandkids absolutely rotten. And I do spoil within limits set by their parents. If I cheat, and of course I cheat I am Nana afterall lol.....I do my best to make it small and within reason. It's not my goal to undo all their parents are attempting to do.

Alot of grandparents have trouble with this boundary. My Mom had to learn the hard way. And thank goodness mother in law had spoiling within the boundary down to an art form. lol

((hugs))

 

[mrscatinthehat]

So sorry you are going through this. I was blessed with a mother in law that understood as she had two fo her own with mental illness. It was my mom and step dad that didn't get it.

hugs
beth

 

[totoro]

Thank you all for the good ideas!
It wouldn't be so hard, but she is such a martyr and she will give and give and then cry. She makes it so she seems like the good guy. Like why is the whole world against me, I just want to see my Grandkids when I am in town?
This would be fine, except they are visiting more and more and trying to stay longer.
They beg for the girls, swear they get it, swear they will do as we ask.
Act defensive if we even bring it up. Act like I am so over reacting and it is all no big deal and there is nothing to worry about. They contradict themselves.
Poor husband is stuck in the middle all of the time trying to play mediator and keep everyone happy.

Because they were the only Grandparents for most of the time husband wanted the girls to have a relationship and it was very important to him.

Oh I just wish they would be a little consistent without the drama and the affects on the girls.

 

[susiestar]

Toto,

This is a really really tough situation. I think you may just have to treat mother in law's crying and refusal to get it the way you would set a boundary with one of your kids. mother in law way overstimulated them so the next few times she wants to see them she will have to be supervised and stay within YOUR limits.

Explain it simply and non-judgementally. Just say that last time was too much for the girls, they are dealing with a lot and simply can't do X or Y. But mother in law is welcome to come visit them at your home or you will bring them over when the girls are healthy enough to handle a visit.

I had to do a LOT of this with my mother in law. She simply would not see reason, or that basic things simply took precedence over completing a task. For example, the ONLY time I left her with Wiz while I did something it was for a very short time about an hour). I arrived home at the same time my mom popped in to drop something off. (mother in law's visit was a surprise and my mom's visit was planned, otherwise my mom would have let mother in law enjoy Wiz with-o her because mother in law didn't visit often.)

What I found when I came home was a child screaming his head off in his walker. They were outside and mother in law was planting flowers. Wiz had a dirty diaper and wanted to be changed. He had been sitting in it for at least 30 mins and had his very first diaper rash - and it was BAD! Both my mom and I were furious.

mother in law kept insisting he was fine, that the blisters from the diaper were normal and that I just "spoiled" him by changing him right away. That flabbergasted me!

The next time she wanted to see him I simply said that we have different rules and she would need to have me there while she visited. (husband just ignores her, and wouldn't stop her from anything, mostly because he can't stand her.)

Over the years she has just been horrid to the kids, and to me. So she is supervised if she wants to see anyone.

Frankly, I think you will have to do this, and wear extra rhino skin armor so you can do what the girls need whether mother in law likes it or has fun with it or not. Hopefully soon she can "get with the program". If you read any of hte Love and Logic books, some of those techniques can work with adults as well as kids. They do with my dad. If you want to check out hte website it is www.loveandlogic.com.

Hugs, I know this is so tough. Maybe husband can have a talk with his father about this, and esp explain it has nothing to do with the business?

 

[totoro]

Thanks Susie and all
I have the Love and Logic books... I will have to get one out and look through it again, but apply it to older family!!!

It is tense in Totoro's house today... yuck
K was up super early racing
N was in our bed frantic since midnight
Which are both signs they did too much

 

[Star*]

(sung to the tune of Oh Canada)

OH Idaho - your moose and snow is calling
OH Idaho - No inlaws around for bawling....