gave easy child the rule breakdown; apparently she's agreeing

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jena, Jun 5, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    so, last i wrote that easy child came to talk to husband and I and I just wasn't feeling it regarding her returning home again.

    so, i followed up with an email as husband and i agreed upon stating what she'd have to do to be here again.

    it included a bunch of stuff, yet first and foremost was her taking some type of ssri as the doctor prescribed before and therapy before she re enters here for at least a mos.

    so, she emailed today and said please get hold of therapist, psychiatric im ready to go now.

    so, we'll c. she isn't graduating from school in june. she messed up too badly. she has to go to summer school in order to get a diploma in august.

    we'll c if she follows thru or not.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I hope she follows through Jena.

    And honestly, I'm sort of glad it's not going to be so easy for her to fix. I know that sounds sort of mean........but if she has to work at fixing the mess she's made it really will do a lot toward her growing up and becoming mature. For one thing it will show her that grown ups don't just get to act any ol' way they want while having life handed to them......sort of the way a child does. Kids get it into their heads when their young that grown ups get to do anything they want.....for many one of the toughest lessons about adulthood is grown ups are just plain bogged down with more responsibility.......and that all their decisions have consequences they will have to live with. That can be such a rude awakening for many kids, easy child's and difficult child's alike. lol

    So I really do hope she's ready to jump back onto the easy child track and pick up the pieces, use this as a major life lesson, and move forward.

    You're handling this part very well.

  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad she is agreeing. Lisa said much of what I was thinking. You are doing an awesome job of handling this - proud of you!!!
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Of course she's agreeing ;-) My kids always agreed lol (I know, I'm such a cynic!) I hope that your response to her asking you to get ahold of the therapist and psychiatric, was to give her their phone numbers so that she can get ahold of them herself.

    Hope she follows through. Hang in there, and stand strong.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I'm glad she seems to be agreeing... But in my opinion, she needs to follow through before you let her come home...

    And I agree about kids getting the idea that being an adult means they are free. Hardly! (Onyxx informed us that she had been taking care of herself since she was 7, so she should be treated as an adult. So I told her to go get a job, pay bills, and deal with children who refused to follow the rules, then get back to me on that. I wasn't too popular for a few weeks...)
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I sure hope she grasps the importance of your health issues. If you and husband have agreed then I'll keep my fingers crossed that it goes well. DDD
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I think she could have done Summer school right where she was. NOT AT YOUR HOUSE. It was only three months more - and ms. big britches could go to her therapist appts, and be on SSRI's THERE too. Just my 2 cents but I think in less than a month you are going to have more than you can bear wtih your health issues, and a mouthier than mouthy teen - who SAID she'll take her SSRI's - but now doesn't like how they make her feel and stops taking them - but lives under your roof, makes your life miserable and you have NO recourse to put her out.

    I hope I'm wrong hon - I really do. MS is nothing to add stress to. Fingers crossed that she's going to be the bigger woman here and prove you right.
  8. natalieoh

    natalieoh Guest

    Hi Jena, I agree with the ladies who spoke of her doing her work with therapy and medications BEFORE she returns home to you. So often our kids make promises because they are desperate. Once they are feeling safe again they can return to their old ways. Protect you and your husband!
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member


    thanks. yes we'll c i'm in no rush for anything right now, which seems to be fueling her fire more. she's probably like who is this person is this my mom??

    after a while you just get tired of the craziness. when she made that bold move and moved in with that less than great mom that's where she made her biggest mistake. instead of just staying home and getting her act together.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well it WAY MORE INTERESTING - to see just HOW committed she is to her own mental health -------to get her OWN help in her OWN big girl panties - while still living with ALTER-MOM----and staying on her medications, and doing all the things she promised while living with ALTERMOM - and see how her behavior is with some - HOME VISITIS - and a few outings BEFORE anyone looks before they leap. Because I'm telling you ----this is a promise to get all - and then will be nada.

    Then you are going to have a roomie with a major tude - no medications, and chaos just like before PLUS school starts in a month and WOW WHEE - she'll be where? Oh I don't want to go to school any more - I'm goign to get a job ----ORLY? Where? I dunno - I'll find one soon....ORLY when? I dunno - SOON. WHEN WILL THAT BE? GET OFF MY BACK Mooooooooom. It's only noon - I will find a job later -

    And so it is written -
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    While I agree that the onus is on her in terms of making the appointment to see Dr and get medications, sign up for Summer school to graduate in August...I can see how having her under your roof MAY be an opportunity for her to stay on track with it all, rather than lapse back into the party life while living with this alternative family she's been with. It's very easy for an already wayward 'follower' like your daughter to slip and fall back into those bad behaviors while trying to get her life in order.

    That said, on the other hand, you do have to make certain that YOUR primary concern is your health and if she moves back in, even while getting her act together, you/H cannot allow her to compromise your health. And there is no way to make her stay on board with that plan - NONE.

    If you let her move back home in an effort to help her get her act together, finish school, and appropriately medicate herself, what will happen if she fails, lapses, and upsets your household? How will that affect you, H, and difficult child who is only getting back on her feet herself? What is your plan? Have you and H discussed your backup plan if things don't go the way you're hoping? I think this is an important step - have a backup plan and easy child MUST be in on this backup plan. Resist the temptation to say things like, "If you screwup, you're outta here" and instead say, "We need to develop alternative living arrangements should your plans fall through due to my ongoing health issues". I have found that the way in which we say things, the wording we use, makes quite a difference! Best of luck, you're doing very well.
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    you know it's funny i can't put myself in a bubble, i'd love to or get rid of my family LOL. not that i would want to do that. yet they all push my buttons, even husband still. it was a honeymoon period of diagnosis where everyone was super sweet now everyone's back to their norm.

    ahhh joy :)

    told her today you want therapy than pay for it yourself, same with your medications. i'm done. let her use her money she makes each week at the bagel store to pay for it if she really wants it. she wants to go to prom she can go wrapped in a towel for all i care. seriously.
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2011
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just had a new thought. If you decide to let her come home...why not include some responsibilities that would ease your burden. No reason she couldn't be in charge of difficult child's hygiene issues. My sister had to make sure I bathed, took dirty clothes and dishes to where they belonged, straightened my bed etc. I was the baby of the family and she was six years older. It actually formed a bond between us and gave my Mom a break she needed for her health. DDD
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    the other day i had an mri appointment. it was a long one. i didn't want difficult child to get stuck again going to my dr. so easy child agreed to watch her. she called beforehand and said your paying me right? i said no actually i can't your just doing it because your a good person. she said why would i watch her if i wasn't making money??

    i hung up phone. i emailed and said pay for your own therapy, medications, etc. im done now. haven't spoken to her since. gets better that day she was complaining how she'd have to miss making up a gym class. school called that night Occupational Therapist (OT) say she was absent that day.

    clearly she's still insane.
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You do realize that she was probably just acting like she wanted these things because it's obvious it's what you want to hear and she thought it would lead to getting you to do more for her, right?
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad you are sticking to the rules and the emphasis on not creating stress in your home. I am sure that asking for medications, etc... was to get you to agree to let her come back. It is hard to support yourself and she is likely completely scared. The other mom is likely letting her know that she is expected to do certain things and pay for things if she wants them and it is NOT what she thought it would be. Plus everyone, no matter how mcuh of a slacker they are, has their quirks and things they cannot or will not tolerate and things they insist on and entering a new family at an age when you have spent almost 2 decades with other people's quirks and can't tolerate things is a huge adjustment. I still remember how annoying my first roommate and I found each other's habits in certain areas. Neither of us could really understand at first why the other was doing those things.

    I am sure that difficult child is thinking that she will move back in and you will allow her to do what she wants. Your refusal to let her move in after her refusal to help you by watching difficult child for a while is, I am sure, quite the culture shock. Esp as you have said to pay for her own medications and therapy. Those were the things she was holding out as a carrot to get YOU to do what she wanted (support her and let her do what she wanted and be disrespectful.) .

    This is going to take time, but in ten years you will likely talk and laugh about it, and she will wonder why she didn't see how smart you are when she was 18.

    I think telling her to pay for the medications nad therapy herself was a wise move. I am really proud of you for not jumping in and moving her home right away. I think it is in some ways very hard for you because you are her mommy and in your mommy heart you want her safe and snug at home where you can know that she is okay. But you did what your head said was best for her and for the rest of you, and that is often the hardest thing to do. (((((hugs)))))