Gave our son an ultamatum

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by vligrl, Aug 19, 2012.

  1. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Our son was told Aug 5th that he will be tested for drugs in the next 30 days or so and if it is positive, out he goes. We also said we would test him randomly in the meantime. He swore to my husband that he hasn't smoked since the warning but since he has smoked everyday this summer (news to us) it would probably take longer than 30 days to get out of his system. Last night he stunk of pot but claims it was his friends smoking. My husband took him to get tested this morning at the Er but just pulled up and he is crying in the car. I have no idea what is up but to me it is probably more manipulation and my husband buys it everytime. He is suppose to start Jr. College, again in two weeks but I think he should leave. Thoughts?
  2. mellogal

    mellogal New Member

    in my humble opinion- if you told him that he was not allowed to do drugs while living with you I would show him the door. He can stay with his friends- and I promise you he has been given enough warning.
  3. 92025

    92025 Member

    I think that is accurate that it can take 3-4 weeks for weed to get out of the bloodstream. May have been too soon to start testing. I'd probably wait until after labor day to start testing/throwing out. Hopefully he realizes this is his last chance if he was crying, but it probably means he was smoking :(
  4. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    45 days is the length it can stay in the system according to the place I have taken my daughter. I don't think you will know a thing until mid Sep. That said-I think a fair thing is to write up a plan which includes your boundaries and the consequence of him being asked out of the home on X date if he tests dirty. I cant remember your whole story-but there is a reason for this self medication. Is he getting treatment of any kind?
  5. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I agree with exhausted's idea of a written plan.

    With these kids, you really have to follow through. I'd encourage you to know exactly what you will do if he fails. That way, you don't need to think or plan....just act. Will be easier on you then and a better outcome for all.

    Can you find out his advisor's name? I called difficult child's. Told her i wasn't asking info so no privacy concerns for her. Gave her the background. Asked her to meet with difficult child and ger him to sign a release...kindof standard procedure yadda she could speak with me. She was super helpful.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My guess is that he never stopped smoking, just cut down. Don't buy the excused that it's second hand smoke. My difficult child tried telling me that all the time, always a lie. Besides, they can tell by the level in his urine whether it's recent or residual from a while ago. So if he cried when you pulled up for the test that tells you he knows he will fail. What you do with that information is another story. I know what we did but I just can't say whether that's right for anyone else. But then our difficult child was also drinking and staying out all night and losing jobs and a lot of other dangerous things so her living with us was just impossible. If you want to stick to what you told hi then I think you need to have a definitive answer so a drug test needs to be done.

    It's only a matter of time before things escalate and you will have to take a stand. When that time comes you will know.

  7. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Unfortunelty Dad seems more interested in being my son's pal than father. We had a plan and he broke it. I wanted him out and my husband nixed it. Never went ahead with drug testing either. My son confessed to smoking a joint the night before at a concert. When my son's lips move I know he is lying, but my husband is making things so much worse now. Now I am considered crazy by my son and I heard my husband agree with him as they walked together in the house...oh...he did say he loves me thought (husband) We are going to therapy and can't wait to bring all of this up. I am sooooooo angry I could spit fire right now. Feels like my son is doing the usual manipulation to tear us apart and my husband thinks this is sincere on my son's part. I left shortly after they came home and sat through two terrible movies. Came home and they are both gone. Probably bonding over a movie and lunch together. Hard to believe my son and I use to be so close and he hated his father and would call him names. Everything seems like a lie now. My husband will test him around the first....lota good that will do. He'll probably find another reason to give him another chance.
  8. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    This is not an uncommon situation where a difficult child drives a wedge between parents. To a drug using, manipulative person who has their own best interest at heart, it makes sense to play one parent against the other. It's just so hurtful when they make you look like an overreactive hysteric. difficult child sees that he can transfer the brunt of the negative attention from his drug use to the issue of his "crazy mother." So now, you're experiencing emotional abuse while dealing with your son's drug abuse. If you and your husband agreed to drug test difficult child, and told him this, then your husband backing out is a huge victory for difficult child. Your son will not stop using if the home environment is so easily manipulated. Your ultimatums are meaningless. Therapy for you and husband would be the most productive thing right now. Our difficult child was a minor when all the drug stuff was happening, and husband and I were definitely not on the same page - not even in the same book. When difficult child turned 18, husband had an epiphany and things changed pretty quick around here. difficult child is now in therapy, has been drug free all summer, and most importantly, he's not hanging around with the drug using crowd he used to run with. It is hard for him, however, and he returns to school in a few weeks, where he will be around a variety of using and non-using people, but if his grades and attitude falter due to drugs, we stop supporting him. That's the bottom line.
    If pot is demotivating your son, I can't imagine that he would be successful at Jr. College or anywhere else. I hope husband recognizes that enabling the drug use is hurting, not helping your son, and that your son already has plenty of enabling"buddies" - what he needs is two united parents.
  9. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I am so sorry, this has got to be frustrating. When kids find that working their parents against each other is effective, they can destroy a marriage. All kids try it-addicts use any manipulation for all it is worth. Counseling is important because you are being jacked around by both of them and this hurts! I wonder if you could get your husband to a 12 step meeting for parents of addicts like Al-anon or FA? He needs to know that what he did was to reinforce the problem-movie, time spent with him, no testing. This is one of the first benefits of these groups-to help us understand that our "helping" just isnt helping at all. In fact, it is harmful sometimes.

    I dont think you can do anything until you get to the counselor-if you give another agreement and bottomline without follow through-your difficult child will just escalate. You need your husband's help. You need to be close to the same page. My husband is not always right on the same mark as me, but we know now to work together. It also helps us to tag team our daughter who can just suck us dry with her emotional turmoil. That is the beauty of 2 parents working together. It has taken a bunch of counseling and meetings to get to this solid point. You have to remain a strong front together. When they see an entry into manipulation-they will take it and work it to the bone. We still have to be mindful of this and work hard to be united. I hope counseling is soon. ((Hugs)) and hang in there.
  10. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    You are totally right about tearing apart a marriage. Our's is on the line as we speak. Frustration with one being blind and the other with a clear vision. Counselor agreed and tried to make this clear to my husband. Last night might have made a small difference. My son was suppose to go to new student orientation and pick his classes this morning at 10am, but at the last minute yesterday he was invited to a concert for free with VIP tickets and he ran with it...all the way to the city and telling us later that he wouldn't be coming home that night and will reschedule with the school. Hello??????? Anybody home I say to husband? Does thissound like a kid that REALLY wants to go to school and do well????? I warned him before he left about doing drugs and his answer was "I'll just have alcohol". I emailed him asking if he was serious and he said can't he have beer? I told him he is just substituting one substance for another and he needs treatment. His response was "wow". I let him know that what ever happens in the following days and weeks is all up to him which means he will either have the security of a roof over his head and school, or the street. He then called, I didn't answer but my husband did. Discussed missing school and the alcohol issue. My son asked why I was so upset and my husband said because I thought he was going to get drunk. My son told my husband he doesn't do that (OMG!) and wouldn't one or two beers be ok? My husband actually said yes. I had the phone on mute to hear what was being said. I am going to try to get my husband to a meeting and maybe the lightbulb will go on.
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This sounds like an instant replay of many conversations we had with our difficult child. And her favorite response to anything we said was "wow". I hope you don't end up doing what we did, paying tuition for a semester in college knowing full well that she was just going so she could party 24/7. She lasted six weeks before she was arrested for drinking and smoking pot. Ended up being suspended after the semester. We ended up with tuition and student loan bills. She went through her entire meal accountin two months. It was a stupid idea, we hoped she would get there and the light bulb would go off. Right! All the signs were there and we ignored them, we wanted so badly for her to go to college. She didn't want it, she just wanted the freedom away from us.

    My husband and I never fought before our problems with difficult child, but then we argued all the time. It isn't that he ignored the problem, but he didn;t want to deal with it. He wasn't home all day with her and so he didn't take the brunt of it and when he got home he wanted to relax and not deal woith it. He had the attitude that there was nothing we could do so he would just ignore it. I'm happy to say that once she left our home things are back to normal. One of the reasons I knew she had to leave when she did was because I knew if she stayed much longer there would be nothing left of our relationship.

    I see our family two years ago where you are now. I'm thinking about you and anxious to hear what happens.

  13. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Thank you Nancy. I know I have been whining about my son for quite awhile. It finally sunk in that he is not the son that warmed my heart years ago. I now have to steel my heart to stay strong and not fall for his lies any longer. Fortunetly, we are just talking about Community College and we have not paid a dime towards it and won't. He's on Financial Aid. I really don't think he will even go let alone still be living in our house. Just read an email between him and a guy looking to bupot and for some reason was going through my son and my son says he didn't have anything to do with selling anything. I told him I read his FB and he should change his password and hope the deal goes well. His friend just called to let me know not to blame my's him that is at fault. i believed him and tried to explain that he is always involved even if he isn't the seller or buyer. I cried to this young man that is going to a very prestigious college with great grades that I don't want my son to still be the guy that doesn't have a car and is trying to get a ride to a concert while all of his friends have graduated and moving forward with their lives, on their own. He said he understood and wouldn't let that happen to him. This just now happened
  14. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    It's just so heartbreaking and frustrating because they think they're having fun, and Vligrl, you're right, we don't want them to be left behind because of their poor choices, even though they insist they're just having a good time. Having a "good time" can lead them to a disspated, wasted life if they don't get smart. The worst is, that we're spectators at best, because they have to make up their own minds. Sigh.
  15. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Please explain this to me....I just told off a guy that keeps asking my son about people to sell drugs to. He asked him to leave him alone and that he isn't a drug dealer. I know my kid's FB password and went on and unfriended this guy and then told my son he needs to get a new password. I just looked on FB to see if he did it and I find the kid I unfriended was refriended and my son apologized about me and....did not change his password! What is up with that? Some kind of test? I was very close to giving him a new password just to mess with him. So messed up.
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It tells me that he is selling drugs. Seriously my difficult child did the same thing. She told me she wasn't friends with these druggies and then turned around and asked them for drugs.

    Why do you want him to change his password?