General update on the difficult child's/easy child's, H, mother in law

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Mar 8, 2012.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    So, I think I posted about difficult child and E becoming engaged (around December 23rd), right? My memory has been foggy since the surgery, so I forgot a lot of things I said and did. Good times.

    So, difficult child and E went to a bridal show and of course signed up for freebies. She's been making plans and figuring stuff out and running around gathering information. They've chosen their ceremony location (outdoors in a pavilion at a state park up north of here) and the reception will be at E's parent's home - they have a nice flat, large, wooded yard, & pool. I guesstimate there will be approximately 110-120 guests for the reception. Between exh's family, mine and E's, there's the first 90 or so. Big families and everyone loves a wedding! Since I've been down for the count, difficult child has been just going at it. I asked her to please slow down and wait for me so we can sit and create a budget for everything, create a list of guests, shop for dresses, JP, rental stuff, etc. I asked her about her guest list. She said, she's only inviting family to the reception but telling anyone and everyone they are welcome to stop by the reception. WHAT??!?! I tried to explain to her how dangerous that was in terms of food, drinks, seating, and expense. OMG>could you just imagine? She'd post it on Facebook and every loser in her past would show up to drink and eat for free!

    Anyway, because I'm feeling better now, we've made tentative plans to meet at Panera's with pen and paper and go over some things. She wants easy child to join us, but I am not so sure at this point if that's a wise idea. easy child will be difficult child's Maid of Honor, but difficult child never asked her - she assumed it was understood. easy child said to me, "WHAT?! When did she ask me??" when I mentioned it to her. I swear, young people just don't seem to know about protocol, tradition, ettiquette, etc. It's maddening to me, but I cannot say I was much different for my first wedding, although I did know to ask and not assume anything. Anyway, they've chosen August 2013 as their wedding month, I think the 24th, so we have some time. I understand she wants everything arranged and finalized now, but there is a time table to follow and I'm trying to help her understand and realize that. Also, she needs to delegate some things to others, namely easy child, me, H, and E's family, if she can. So wish me luck when we sit down for this meeting. The funnest part will be dress shopping. I had hoped she'd wear my wedding dress from when I married her bio-dad, as my mother made it and it's beautiful. She tried it on, liked it, but wants her own dress. She wants to wear the veil, however, which is all lace with a beautiful headpiece that my mom also made. It is white so we'll be looking for a white dress. I think we're scheduled to hit up the first bridal shop next weekend. I'm bringing my cane for that trip - something tells me I will need it. And I'm fairly certain easy child is not so into shopping with us, but I'll ask. difficult child would like easy child to be involved in some of the planning, but I can see easy child balking at that a little, so I tried to put difficult child off at least for a little while. It's not necessary at this point anyway. We're over a year away and it's an at home wedding, so we have a lot more flexibility than those who are booking halls and churches.

    Now I have to really get H going on the addition - it needs to be COMPLETED by the time they are married. He's laying down the floor and so hopefully by Summer we will be upstairs in our new room, awesome. Then we can tear down walls downstairs, fun.

    easy child held a very successful fundraiser last week for her May trip to Ghana. They raised about $2000 for supplies for the orphanage, which is great. However, easy child still hasn't found a sponsor for her travel expenses. We were hoping my boss/brother in law would come through with some sort of donation, but he blew her off, twice, when she asked him if he could help in any way. The airfare alone is $2000 and then there are the extraneous costs of hotel, food, etc., while she's there. Granted, it's cheap to stay there, but she would like to have a cushion in her account should any emergencies arise. I'm going to tell her to put in a request for sponsorship from our local Grange. They sometimes help with volunteer efforts like this, maybe they will come through for her. She did receive about $150 in private donations for her travel expenses, but it's not enough to really make a dent. I'm very disappointed that my brother in law didn't do anything for her. I mean, he makes A LOT of money and makes donations every year towards other charities, why not this? He said something about it not being tax deductible, whatever. I can't even list all the ways in which this man and his family (my sister) pisses away their money. easy child even made a spreadsheet for him to review and an appointment to go over it, met with him, etc., and he just didn't respond. I wish some Daddy Warbucks would come out of the woodwork and help easy child out! Being on disability for 8 weeks, I sure can't. Waaaah.

    easy child is also seeing a very nice guy, Jon. He's very cute (looks a little like Ralph Macchio when he was the karate kid, lol) and very tall - he towers over her, but they make a very nice looking couple. I met his family at the fundraiser and they are very nice people. Casper was also there with his mom, but easy child was very diplomatic, lol. Anyway, I think this guy could be 'the one'....I don't know why I think that, I just do. Time will tell. She's still going to school full time, working full time and living at home.

    mother in law is doing very well on her own down in FL. She seems to have taken nicely to widowhood and is keeping herself busy. She sometimes gets bored and calls all her adult kids, but for the most part, she's out and about, visiting friends, doing day trips, and staying active in her clubs. My brother in law is going down there next week for Spring break (he's a professor at Carnegie Mellon). And H is talking about going down as well, though probably not until late March, early April. He kept saying HE was going, but now he's saying WE are going. To be honest, I wouldn't mind some time in FL right about now, even if it means hanging with mother in law! lol. Anyway, I think she's enjoying some of the freedom she's had in making her own choices, planning her own schedule and doing her own thing. She even went to a new years eve party up at the club. We sent her flowers for Valentine's Day because father in law always made that a special day for her. So, I think the big rush to move to CT has been put off for now. Even H has come around and is saying that he thinks she should stay there and as the need arises, perhaps hire someone to check in with his mom on a daily basis. I don't think she's there just yet, but it's an option worth considering. H said he spoke with his sister about that and she wasn't so sure. We all know his mother would flip out if we suggested that to her, but at some point, she may not have a choice. We will see how this plays out.

    So that's the update for now. I'm sure there is more, but I forgot it. My memory comes back to me in pieces, lol. Ciao, have a great day!
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Great update. Doesn't her sponsoring charity have 501c3 status? Almost all charities do and that is all that is needed for brother in law to deduct his contribution. Sigh.

    I was reluctantly hopeful that mother in law would "find her groove" once she got over the trauma of the sudden death. Really if you have resources Florida is a wonderful place for retirees. She is familiar with that community and maybe, just maybe, she will have friends from the Club who are downsizing into retirement communities with help available as needed. My older brother is still choosing which locale is right for him keeping in mind that although he is aok now the time likely will come when he will need some help. I have a 60 something neighbor widow who actually is moving into a relatively modest community as soon as her house sells because so many of her friends are there. It's a little surprising because she has always been a "top drawer" person but she wants familiar fun people around her.

    Glad you are enjoying pre-wedding plans and it's great there is plenty of time. I had to laugh at the idea of an open invite for people to drop by. Hmmmmm...don't think so, lol. Particularly I am glad that you are feeling better. Hugs DDD
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    Always good to hear a positive update!
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Great update! I am glad you are doing well with your recovery.

    difficult child sounds super enthusiastic about the wedding, and maybe a book on how to plan a wedding with the timetables and etiquette would be a good thing? I think they have those out there. A friend used one that helped you keep things organized and reminded you of roughly when things needed to happen. It was part book and part organizer where you went to the end and put your wedding date there and then worked backward to put in the dates for when things shoudl happen. That took us about an hour to do, then she worked forward and it would remind her to send save the date cards and send invitations and hire caterer, etc.....

    I think difficult children need more help to remember to do the social niceties and etiquette things and if mom is the one who tells them about those things then they get their backs up. So maybe give her a wedding planning book and let it tell her how and when to ask people things. Maybe you could go pick out the book together and get a copy for each of you? You could say you want that because it seems the etiquette has changed since you married so you want a guide so that you don't end up really insulting someone by accident.

    As for easy child and difficult child, maybe a very gentle hint to difficult child that she still has to ASK her sister, but maybe nto that. I dont' know if that would make it worse or not. You shouldn't be in the middle of that. they are adults and need to talk to each other when they are upset with each other. At 22 and 24 they are not kids or teens anymore. They need to start handling this like adults and that means not running to mommy. It also means mom has to tell them to talk to each other and mom ahs to listen but not step in. it is HARD to be the parent when the kids are that age!!! WHen they were younger you cuold referee more, of course you had to referee more then, but still.

    It is good to hear that easy child is seeing someone new who has "the one" potential, and that Caspar is not front and center anymore. I hope the new guy is as great as he seems and that she finds happiness no matter who is in her life.
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Thank you for the update!
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thank you, ladies!

    Ddd, I think brother in law just doesn't want to do it plain and simple-he's gotten quite cheap and crotchety the richer and older he gets, oh well. easy child will endure and find a way, she's resourceful just like her mom!

    Susie, difficult child and I are heading to Barnes and noble today to check out wedding organizers! She is very much into this idea and has taken to calling me her wedding planner. As long as I don't squash her ideas of what she wants specifically on her wedding day, she's been open to suggestions. But a nice guideline would definitely help my cause of creating a perfect day she loves without coming off as trashy and insulting, lol!

    I have to say, while my recovery is going well, the pain in my knee (which is aggravated by the pt) is really getting to me. I need to speak with my dr about an extended release pain medication. the oxy is immediate release so it's out of my system pretty fast and then it's time for more, ugh.
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Makes me crazy when people say they give to charity when it is really that they are finding a way to get tax deductions. I dont give enough to make a dent but I dont bother with receipts (I would if it mattered but still would not be giving for that purpose, Know what I mean??) I think it is so amazing to feel that you have given. Made a difference. I feel sorry for him that he can't feel that and mostly that he wont know the satisfaction of being encouraging to his family in that way. He should be so proud of her and be doing all he can regardless of the pay off for him. What he is doing.....THAT is not charity.

    In any event, I bet easy child WILL raise the money and do well, and she will feel the gratification that this guy will never know. So exciting that difficult child is planning all of this and that she is open to your input and guidance. It is a time that should bring people together. It is a huge expense to be part of someone's wedding so I sure hope she does ask easy child is a special moment anyway...(Yeah, I am one of those always a brides maid and never a bride types...maid of honor and in the party...and it IS an honor but it is HUGELY expensive and time consuming). It is wonderful being out to dinner or an event and having the person ask even if you know it is coming. There should be pics and everything for the wedding diary/photo book. She has plenty of time to do this right, hope she does have fun with it!

    I pray your pain improves. You have so much going on and deserve to be fully present and enjoy it. REALLY glad mother in law is not soon to move in with you, LOL.... Hope she continues to develop connections and routines and happiness there, where you can visit and enjoy FLA too.
  8. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Glad you are doing better. Sounds like you are living a 'normal' life now - hectic, but normal. Feels good, heh? :hapydancsmil:
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    So glad for the update! You must be so excited and proud planing this wedding. That's great you're going to B&N, have a fun day~
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wonder if that David Tutura guy has wedding planning books. Or maybe you could write to him and nominate her to be on his
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    We had a great time looking at all the fantastic books and magazines! Omg, there are so many great ones, difficult to choose. I bought her a great planner that has a timeline and lists for guests, flowers, invites, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING! I also bought myself one by Peggy Post, Wedding Planner for Moms-How to help your daughter/son prepare for the big day. Also has the same timelines and checklists. We found a cool magazine with the timeline as well as photos and money saving ideas. So I spent a bit of money on these items but hopefully they will be so helpful so as to save us money in the long run AND keep difficult child on track. Fun day!
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Sounds like things are moving along! Wish you weren't have so much pain still though. Hopefully the doctor can get you off the oxy and onto something that can offer you a more consistent level of pain relief and more "tuned it" state of mind.

    Fun about the wedding planning! easy child and I watch "Say Yes to the Dress" (the NY one is our fav) all the time and think about the day we will take the train up the NYC for an appointment! My niece and her husband eloped totally unexpectedly last September and are now expecting a baby in this September -- my sister is throwing a party (reception) next weekend for them. She said she felt really selfish when my niece told her they had gotten married because she didn't get to share any of those "wedding planning" moments with her daughter. But, my niece is independent as heck and it probably would have been a "fight a day" situation!

    Good news that mother in law is getting along so well. It took my mother about a year to "get back into life full swing" after the unexpected pass of my father. Perhaps the move will be postponed a few years!

    Thanks for the update Jo - take care!!

  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Jo ,

    Congratulations on being Mother of the Bride....and not Bridezilla. I applaud her for being a difficult child but taking an extreme amount of time to get all the details right, and include everyone. As far as easy child NOT being asked? Well I can tell you from experience, that even though my sister and I are NOT and I mean NOT close at all - I asked a near stranger (the woman who introduced me to X) to be my Matron of honor, and not my sister. Didn't think anything of it - sister was after all in the wedding - but when I look back at that day, and the pictures of all of us standing there? I really wish I would have made my sister the Maid of Honor. I didn't know it at the time, but it hurt my parents feelings . The weird thing is - after the wedding I hardly ever spoke to that woman again, and twenty (brushes hand over mouth) years later? I wish I'd never met her. I mean for having Dude? Yeah - but for meeting Satan? Sheesh - thanks for that. (Wonder if she got Old Scratch to give her a sports car or something for gettin' his son married off to me?)

    Very glad to hear you aren't in terrible pain, but knees take a long long time to heal. I'm told by DF's doctor - it's one of the longest recoveries there is in medicine. So literally take it one step at a time. Oh and as far as the jerk in your office - the parking space creep? I hope you waive your parking pass around like an air freshener in a Bulls locker room after a game. Lord what a twit. Golly NOW does he "GET IT?" (says bad word) three letters, rhymes with ---oh well if I said THAT? You'd know what I said. hahah

    So your mother in law is getting accustomed to widowhood huh? (shrug) Well - that's good. It's like I said after you lost your father in law - there are a LOT of things she probably had NO idea she enjoyed doing on her own because she always took care of him...and now that he isn't there? It's a whole new world, where she realizes that even if she was in CT in your house? The fit wouldn't be good for her either. Just as stressful for her as it would have been for you. I'm not sure whether you ever had THAT talk with your husband - but it seems to have worked itself out for the best.

    And you talk all about the brides dress - WE BETTER see some pictures of MOTHER OF THE BRIDE.....and HER fab gown. that's a hint........

    Hugs & Love
  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Oh my gosh, I forgot to tell you something. Star you reminded me! Remember the jerk who complained about me using the handicapped spot at my office? Well last week at pcs fundraiser, I met this woman who happens to be a pilates instructor at his office twice a week! I saw her the other day at my PT gym and said hello. We got to talking and she said, "I've been after easy child and R (pcs friend) and R's mom to get you four to come to a mother daughter pilates class at [jerks] office...omg. I think I may have made a face, but I didn't want to just come out and y something like, 'Wow, you work for that ___hole?" so I just smiled and said maybe when I'm up for it. Everyone, EVERYONE else who works at that office gives me the evil eye when they see me parking there, so I'm sure he has spoken about it ihis stupid office. However, since she's only there twice a week teaching pilates, maybe she doesn't know. But you know what I remembered?! SHE was the one who was outside when I went off on the property maintenance guy that morning...when I said, grey loudly, "You tell that little sh** to come see me if he has a problem with me parking there!" and then she and I made brief eye contact. Could it be that she doesn't remember the crazy lady from that day and just thinks I'm easy child's nice mom from the fundraiser? Lolololol. What a riot.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Oh, and star, difficult child will have easy child as maid of honor because, despite all the bs between them, difficult child still idolizes her older sister who made her laugh as a child and was her best friend before all the difficult child stuff kicked in. Hopefully, easy child will remember that one day as well well. In my heart I'd like to think she will.