Genie's out of the bottle!

[buddy]

Time to take a breath. You're looking for another home and school, that's huge. It will happen, but don't let individuals and stress ruin all the good work you've done.

There are times when im getting so many phone calls from school and/or therapy a, b, c....and I have lost my ability to parent in the way I know works for us. It starts a spiral that's hard to come back from.

I know you value J's input but you already know......when you ask him such things the thought is in his head and he will wonder about moving. That's scary and he needs no more issues to worry about. And what if you decide something he said no to? He is too young to understand the bigger issues and of course you don't want him to think it's because he couldn't get along. (I know you wouldn't say that! Just mean he might put 2+2 together )
Maybe just have2 goals, research where to go and opportunities for you and J to interact positively for one week. You could also start writing out what has worked to tell the neuropsychologist and to remind yourself of what you know is right as his mom.

Typically no place is all bad. No need to defend them. But, there ARE places that are lesser and better fits for all of us. You could be in another place that may think you're way too strict with J. You can't change your family beliefs over what others think. For me, it wasn't that, but only that I had lost my patience after criticism or frustrating calls/emails and I just wanted him to BEHAVE! Never works out well for me, lol. I really had to force myself to do better in those times, can't say I am always successful.

Getting tough does not match J's wiring. He gets too upset and into fight/flight. He does better and can process and negotiate when his brain is not flooded with stress chemicals. You have been doing right by him!

Sorry I'm so bossy here! I'm feeling rather protective of you and wish I could come there and kick a little mayoral bootie.

 

[Malika]

Thanks a lot, buddy. You are not being bossy! I appreciate your input a lot - you have much experience and practical wisdom and I know you're right on the money in what you say.
Well, I decided to send an email to the principal/kindergarten teacher of the school this morning, stating clearly that J has now received two diagnoses of ADHD, that I appreciate that it is difficult for people to understand what this is how and how it is different from a child just being turbulent, etc, that I was concerned staff of the school were punishing him and blaming me (NOT stated in those words, obviously!) and that I would like to set up a meeting with the psychiatrist. She wrote back soon afterwards... basically the woman is a liar, seeking any excuse to blame me. She says the last she heard was the opinion of the school psychologist that we couldn't say that J was ADHD at that stage (NOT true - I told her J had now received a diagnosis last summer) and that she had proposed a meeting with the psychiatrist but I hadn't wanted it (NOT true - a meeting was scheduled and then she cancelled it, saying breezily that it wasn;t necessary because J was doing so well). She also congratulates herself in the message on all her care and attention with J that have meant he has progressed so well...
As I have felt before, this woman cannot be trusted. I blame her partly for this whole situation, in which she has told the staff that J is NOT ADHD so that I look like a fool and someone trying to seek excuses for my weak lack of authority over my son... At the same time, she says she is determined to help J and to now organise a meeting with the psychiatrist. Of course she has to say that - in the past, she has been in trouble with the education authority for not taking seriously a child's severe dyslexia. I also take responsibility for not having been more proactive with the school, just presuming that they all knew J was ADHD and that the principal told them. Knowing France as I do, I should have taken in the black and white "proof" of his diagnosis, the letter that one psychiatrist sent to the other, stating that J was clearly ADHD...
Anyway, hindsight has 20-20 vision... I can only go forwards. This honestly is going to be such a touch decision. J, who is a wise little chap, said this morning that he was tired of moving around, that he didn't know when he woke up in the morning whether he was in France, Morocco or Spain We desperately need to settle. But how wise is it to go off to Morocco, which I know makes sense for him emotionally, where there are very few services?

 

[ThreeShadows]

Malika, my post was about my knowing what it was like to be the "identified alien" in a given community. J. has been identified as the biggest problem in that set-in-stone village. They are gossiping about him and judging him. His differences make him the "alien". I bet the villagers stare at him and a child can pick up on that. I feel awful for him.

 

[DDD]

I am thrilled that you have found a neuro/psychological evaluation expert. That is J's best hope for finding the key to personal success. Good luck. DDD

 

[Malika]

I hope so, DDD. Thanks! Thank you too for your thoughtfulness, 3S. In all fairness, I don't think J is the "identified alien", I really don't. People seem to find him sweet, are affectionate to him. He is, after all, still a small child. I on the other hand...
Well, we had a MUCH more positive day with me reverting to my tried and tested tactics. He tries hard to please, which one just doesn't see if one doesn't take the ADHD into account.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Dear Malika, " l'enfer c'est les autres ".

 

[Malika]

Well, I now have a full neuro-psychological study booked for J at the end of March. The psychologist sounds efficient and, like quite a few other (French) people I've talked to, was amazed that there are people who have never heard of ADHD. I have shared something of what has gone on with a French forum for parents of ADHD children and they were also shocked - though, sadly, the experience of seeing the behaviour problems as being due to parental deficiences is not unique.
Anyway, there are CERTAINLY schools that would be much better adapted and responsive to J's needs. They would all mean moving to an entirely new area of course. So I have to decide how I see things that way... whether we could somehow get by in Marrakech, where there is some provision for ADHD kids but very little in the way of formal help at school, etc, or whether the only answer is to stay here in France. The right answer will come, I am sure.

 

[Ktllc]

It might be best to wait for the neuro-psychiatric evaluation and report before making any decisions. The doctor will probably have suggestions of necessary accommodations and therapies. It will be precious information in your decision of where to live. I can't wait for you to tell us what comes out of it! I'm sure it will be very helpful in clarifying, confirming and maybe discovering underlying difficulties.

 

[HaoZi]

Yes, I'd wait for the exam and discuss the options with the doctor and see what doctor's input is before you make any decisions.

 

[Malika]

Thank you, guys. In fact, I have found someone (British lady) who wants to rent my house from May 1... so an escape route from the village is opening up. Of course I am paranoid that she will not want to stay after living with the screaming-shouting neighbours for a bit.

I'm trying not to think about the school assistant who went to complain about me to the deputy mayor because when I do I feel spitting mad. I also feel a deal of anger with the principal, and her lying assertions that she has always taken J's ADHD seriously. Calm, breathe...