getting hit with the wishy washies again

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by amazeofgrace, May 18, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I wish there were a pill for these feelings. I know dropping difficult child's off at the outlaws is what set me off again. But if that set me off, how will I feel once S2BX is out of rehab?

    I keep going back in time, wondering if I could have changed anything, been more supportive of him. I was so young and stressed with life, maybe I caused him to be what he now is. I know, I know. It's denialitis.

    I just cringe at the thought of him happy with someone else. But if I love him I should want that for him. But that leaves me alone and being abused by difficult child's, which makes it seem like I am the one being punished, so it must be me who's guilty of something? but what>?

    And my Mom is relentless, there's no space to feel blue in this house! "what's wrong?" "why are you getting down?" "did you hear from him or something?" between that and difficult child I's abuse pointing out how much the outlaws hate me, I am a wreck!

    Ugh I just want to go to bed for a year or two:pouting:
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ugh I just want to go to bed for a year or two

    I know the feeling.

    But the fact is, it's S2BX who's in rehab, not you. It's your difficult children that are difficult children, not you. It's your outlaws who hate you because THEIR son is in rehab and they're in denial. It's your mom who's relentless and insensitive and --oops, now there's one place where you can put your foot down and carve out a space. Tell your mom that you would appreciate it if she could either sympathize or butt out. But maybe say it more nicely.

    Why is she living with-you, again?

    I have a friend who divorced her alcoholic husband and for yrs, her outlaws were cruel and totally one-sided. Ex worked for his dad, and after several yrs of major screwups at work, they finally figured out that there WAS something wrong with-their son, and lo and behold, they started being nice to my friend!!! It took yrs but it did happen.

    Luckily, her family and friends were very supportive so she was never alone. Still, it's a long time to wait for vindication.

    Take care.
  3. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    LOL sadly I live with her, well not really sadly I should say thankfully my parents took us in, but they hate S2BX and always have since I met him, so they are very one sided in that area, and can not understand why i ever loved him to begin with.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    A good read for you right now might be "Co-dependent No More". (I think that is the name of the book). It sounds like you need to be seriously setting your own boundaries and laying down the lay for yourself in what you know are healthy feelings, and what you know are dysfunctional co-dependent feelings.
    Remember the body's feelings are not necessarily to be acted on, only felt. It is the more superior brain that gets to choose which ones it deems worthy to be implemented.
    Breaking up with someone unhealthy is the worst, I have been there done that. I would suggest refusing to feel at this exact moment, until your feelings can come into alignment with your healthy, rational brain's decisions.
  5. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    thank you this is one of the only safe places to vent and whine, not everyone understands. MY good friend finally left her abusive husband, but she left him because she met someone. I don't get that. I get divorce support devotionals and they talk about wanting someone new and all that, I am just not there. I love my husband, just can not be with him because he is the definition of dysfunction, which is the gutt wrenching part. I think sadly for me, it would be easier to be his widow. Which if he gets out of rehab and keeps drinking everclear by the quart, I will be
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Sweetie, I am going to be a broken record.


    This is about YOU and how YOU feel about YOU. Right now, you are fretting at the thought of him being with someone else. If you were in a better place, you would be pushing him towards "someone else" saying "TAKE HIM!" And not worrying about whether or not you have a someone else.

    Remember, you are still grieving the loss of a marriage, even if he did not die. It is the same concept. You grieve the marriage and what you once had the same way you would grieve the loss of a loved one if he died. Grieving comes in stages, and by the sounds of it, you are in the bargaining stage (I wonder, IF I had done this, THEN maybe that). There is NOTHING you could have done to have prevented his fall from grace. An addict is an addict.

    One thing I heard that I have found to be relatively true is that it takes minimum of one month for every year that you were with someone to completely get over them. If you were with this guy for 18 years, don't count on getting over him for a year and a half. Know what I mean?? Grieving takes time.

  7. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    thank you all, I know Kitty alanon it's on the "to do" list, it just keeps getting pushed under all of difficult child's stuff. I am fried emotionally. And feeling hopeless. His release date is getting closer and i am dreading it. But he will most likely be going to jail at some point, his court date is 7/14 for the DWI and assault. I am not sure about the hit and run. I am just so angry, you love someone and want to be happy and they don't cooperate! Geesh, I am whinning aren't I LOL, sorry, I know alanon
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'll try to keep it short, but sometimes I'm not good at it.

    When I found out I was pregnant with difficult child 2, my husband (at the time) was cheating on me. I was putting ducks in a row to leave and take difficult child 1 (HIS son from his previous marriage) with me. Therefore, I needed him to hang himself, or so I thought. I had left plenty of rope, and he was close.

    So then I find out I'm pregnant. Dumb me gave him a chance. He was never a father to difficult child 1, but I thought it was largely because he was deployed for most of difficult child 1's first couple of years. He didn't know how to be a father. I felt I would slight him if I didn't give him a chance. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I gave him a chance.

    It was primarily difficult child 1 that cared for difficult child 2 when I returned to work. Until the week that difficult child 1 went on vacation with my dad. That was when husband had to step up. And he did not. I returned home from work early one day and found the baby in exactly the same spot/clothes/diaper/etc as I had left him in hours earlier. Only thing had changed was that husband had turned the radio up to not hear the baby cry.

    That was it. I talked to his folks, I made plans, I taught difficult child 1 to make collect calls if he had to...and told husband his options, none of which were to stay with me and those kids. He chose to leave. Iloved him, but I would not allow him to treat me or my children that way any more. As you said, it would have been easier, I think, if he'd have died.

    As I talked to his mom, tho, she said that's exactly the way to look at it...the part of him I loved was gone. For whatever reason, it was gone. What was left was nothing but a shell. Her insight has helped me.

    It has been 5 years. Almost 6, actually. I was driving home from his folks' house the other day - he is living in their barn as he's been evicted from everywhere else - and I actually felt a twinge of guilt. My life was not good, but I had been able to hold him together somewhat. He at least was not breaking the law. And now his parents were dealing with him again - he's almost 40 and they're pushing 70...

    I guess my point of all this is, you gotta have a life, too. Even after 5 years, now that my ex is a convicted felon, and living in a BARN, for crying out loud, I still can play the what if game and feel guilty.

    I have learned to drop it as soon as it starts, and sometimes it is hard. I never wanted to be included in the divorce and broken home statistics, but I didn't want to live my life like that either.

    Hugs. Be strong. He is what he is, now you BE WHAT YOU ARE!
  9. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    thank you Shari, Kitty, Steely are Terry, just a rough week, I will get back on track soon, you may have to remind me again in July when I am a mess again.