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Getting some emotional distance....
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 629783" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>TL, you sound weary in this post. And I understand. I think it is perfectly okay that you got him the sweat pants and radio and in 10 years it's not going to matter one way or the other that you did those two things. So not sure you "gave in"---perhaps you just decided to do it, and that is perfectly okay. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think when we know more---we can't help but want to know more and if we have a chance to know more we are going to take it---only human---but when we know more about difficult children who are in active mental illness, it's never good. I used to think I HAD TO KNOW everything and of course that was in an attempt to control and manage and coerce and manipulate---all with the best intentions, but still---and I would not stop until I had every last shred of available information. And I was in a constant spinout and no amount of information collected was going to do anybody any good, anyway. </p><p></p><p>Bless you for having to look around on his FB page. in my humble opinion, I would not do that again if at all possible---that type of thing---it's not going to do anything to help YOU and that is the focus---YOU> </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In every way. It's so discouraging. Feel your feelings, TL. Just feel them. And then on the other side of that, there will be a step forward and some peace. We have to row the boat to the other side of the river. We can't fly over it, tunnel under it or step across it. We have to just row the boat. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am NOT going to be an 80 year old woman with a 50-something loser son (I said it, so it's okay, (Smile)), on my living room couch. Ugh. Ugh for me. Ugh for him. We have to stop and create some space for them to enter that space and maybe, by the grace of God, take the reins of their own lives. Or maybe not. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is immature and childish thinking and nothing but a big excuse for doing exactly what he wants to do. So stealing is a stupid rule. Taking illegal drugs is a stupid rule. Working to provide for yourself is a stupid rule. TL, don't even go there with him. It's a deflection technique---to deflect your attention from the real issues that he doesn't want to deal with and talk about. Martin Luther King---comparing himself to MLK---really? I mean really? That is what difficult child did the other day, wanted to rehash what he really did and didn't do at Walmart on April 2 when he got arrested. Parsing the details about where he was and what he was really doing when they said, uh, sir, you are under arrest for passing the two payment checkpoints. like difficult child said: Well, I was going to steal it, but I hadn't stolen it yet. </p><p></p><p>Unbelievable. I have no desire to engage in that type of back and forth. It is truly beneath me and beneath even him and really beneath anybody. It is pitiful, that's what it is. And it makes me mad to even think about how they try to engage us in circular talk---such manipulation. Don't do it, TL. It's a waste of energy. Just say: I'm not going to talk about that anymore. Just keep repeating that statement. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Well, good luck with that TL. It is incredibly hard to build any kind of real relationship with an active addict. I would venture to say, it's near impossible. What do you talk about---the weather? The NFL? The World Cup? My, aren't the flowers pretty this summer? And how about those bulldogs? </p><p></p><p>It doesn't really work. There is way, way too much unspoken stuff there that creates all kinds of layers. </p><p></p><p>I love the "stay out of solving his problems" part that you wrote. Right---they are HIS Problems, not yours. You are doing just fine, on your own. He is the one with the problems, and his problems grow so big that they take over the room. And suck the very air out of the room. All of our difficult children do that.</p><p></p><p>TL, I feel such kinship with you---that is why I am talking so straight. I have found---just me, now---that the best way to have a "relationship" with difficult child is in VERY. SMALL. DOSES. </p><p></p><p>Very small. Like 10 minutes a week. Otherwise, we get off the rails, pretty quickly. I can't even ask a simple question, because why? First of all, I am NOT going to like the answer, and I don't need to be setting him up, asking questions like: Well, where did you sleep last night? What are your plans? What's going on with you tomorrow? When did you last eat?</p><p></p><p>The other alternatives are to talk about that weather, and those bulldogs---way to the other extreme. Both topics have no merit, right now. </p><p></p><p>There just isn't much to talk about. If I can lay eyes on him every now and then, and just know he is alive and breathing, right now, that is just enough for me.</p><p></p><p>Warm and big hugs for you tonight. I am sorry your difficult child has chosen to do what he is doing right now. Remember: His Choice. Not yours. </p><p></p><p>I am praying for you all and that difficult child gets some clarity in jail. May God have mercy on us all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 629783, member: 17542"] TL, you sound weary in this post. And I understand. I think it is perfectly okay that you got him the sweat pants and radio and in 10 years it's not going to matter one way or the other that you did those two things. So not sure you "gave in"---perhaps you just decided to do it, and that is perfectly okay. I think when we know more---we can't help but want to know more and if we have a chance to know more we are going to take it---only human---but when we know more about difficult children who are in active mental illness, it's never good. I used to think I HAD TO KNOW everything and of course that was in an attempt to control and manage and coerce and manipulate---all with the best intentions, but still---and I would not stop until I had every last shred of available information. And I was in a constant spinout and no amount of information collected was going to do anybody any good, anyway. Bless you for having to look around on his FB page. in my humble opinion, I would not do that again if at all possible---that type of thing---it's not going to do anything to help YOU and that is the focus---YOU> In every way. It's so discouraging. Feel your feelings, TL. Just feel them. And then on the other side of that, there will be a step forward and some peace. We have to row the boat to the other side of the river. We can't fly over it, tunnel under it or step across it. We have to just row the boat. I am NOT going to be an 80 year old woman with a 50-something loser son (I said it, so it's okay, (Smile)), on my living room couch. Ugh. Ugh for me. Ugh for him. We have to stop and create some space for them to enter that space and maybe, by the grace of God, take the reins of their own lives. Or maybe not. That is immature and childish thinking and nothing but a big excuse for doing exactly what he wants to do. So stealing is a stupid rule. Taking illegal drugs is a stupid rule. Working to provide for yourself is a stupid rule. TL, don't even go there with him. It's a deflection technique---to deflect your attention from the real issues that he doesn't want to deal with and talk about. Martin Luther King---comparing himself to MLK---really? I mean really? That is what difficult child did the other day, wanted to rehash what he really did and didn't do at Walmart on April 2 when he got arrested. Parsing the details about where he was and what he was really doing when they said, uh, sir, you are under arrest for passing the two payment checkpoints. like difficult child said: Well, I was going to steal it, but I hadn't stolen it yet. Unbelievable. I have no desire to engage in that type of back and forth. It is truly beneath me and beneath even him and really beneath anybody. It is pitiful, that's what it is. And it makes me mad to even think about how they try to engage us in circular talk---such manipulation. Don't do it, TL. It's a waste of energy. Just say: I'm not going to talk about that anymore. Just keep repeating that statement. Well, good luck with that TL. It is incredibly hard to build any kind of real relationship with an active addict. I would venture to say, it's near impossible. What do you talk about---the weather? The NFL? The World Cup? My, aren't the flowers pretty this summer? And how about those bulldogs? It doesn't really work. There is way, way too much unspoken stuff there that creates all kinds of layers. I love the "stay out of solving his problems" part that you wrote. Right---they are HIS Problems, not yours. You are doing just fine, on your own. He is the one with the problems, and his problems grow so big that they take over the room. And suck the very air out of the room. All of our difficult children do that. TL, I feel such kinship with you---that is why I am talking so straight. I have found---just me, now---that the best way to have a "relationship" with difficult child is in VERY. SMALL. DOSES. Very small. Like 10 minutes a week. Otherwise, we get off the rails, pretty quickly. I can't even ask a simple question, because why? First of all, I am NOT going to like the answer, and I don't need to be setting him up, asking questions like: Well, where did you sleep last night? What are your plans? What's going on with you tomorrow? When did you last eat? The other alternatives are to talk about that weather, and those bulldogs---way to the other extreme. Both topics have no merit, right now. There just isn't much to talk about. If I can lay eyes on him every now and then, and just know he is alive and breathing, right now, that is just enough for me. Warm and big hugs for you tonight. I am sorry your difficult child has chosen to do what he is doing right now. Remember: His Choice. Not yours. I am praying for you all and that difficult child gets some clarity in jail. May God have mercy on us all. [/QUOTE]
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