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Substance Abuse
Getting some emotional distance....
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<blockquote data-quote="Stress Bunny" data-source="post: 629796" data-attributes="member: 4855"><p>Hey TL,</p><p></p><p>Don't beat yourself up about the radio and sweats. They're not significant in the scheme of things. I think it's a positive that you are distancing yourself emotionally, as you mentioned. Not only will this bring you an opportunity for peace in your own life, but it will also remove the enabling that could keep your difficult child stuck in his addiction and problems.</p><p></p><p>Our oldest is on a similar path as yours, and perhaps I am a bit further into the thick of it, but I'm with COM, I have found it extremely difficult to have any semblance of a normal relationship with JT. He is abusing drugs and living a life in complete conflict with any moral values we have embraced. For quite some time, I tried to maintain a relationship because I wanted that so much. JT, on the other hand, only wants a relationship with us in terms of the benefits it brings to him. It is all about him. I realized recently, that interactions with him must be very brief and very neutral and very infrequent. Otherwise, listening to him talk (think selfish, narcissistic, lying, cocky, boastful, blaming, egotistical, self-righteous, manipulative, rebellious, disrespectful, and oh so blind to his own role in his problems) sets me back emotionally for days or weeks. Conversations with him are like emotionally abusive slaps in the face, over, and over, and over.</p><p></p><p>You mentioned about a potential personality disorder. That's definitely a possibility. I wish we had realized this sooner with JT and had him evaluated professionally for this with a personality inventory of some sort. I'm positive there is something wrong, most likely anti-social personality disorder (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)). Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) often overlaps with narcissism as well as substance abuse. In JT's case, the narcissism in particular, is glaring. He actually recruited a couple of his college friends to tell us that he (JT) rarely ever makes a mistake doing anything. He regularly claims that he is the best (fill in the blank) anyone has ever seen. He claims he knows more than experts about certain things, though he clearly does not have such knowledge or experience. JT is over-confident and truly believes he is superior to others. This, despite the fact that he flunked out of college after two consecutive semesters of ridiculously awful grades, was fired from a job, and was charged with underage drinking! It's unbelievably frustrating trying to get him to see the light! He doesn't and he won't any time soon. His ego is just too large. I have to let go of the control and the wishful thinking for a normal relationship. It's really not possible unless and until JT abandons his alcohol/drug habit and seeks to repair the damage he's caused in his relationship with us.</p><p></p><p>That said, your son's drug addiction may be largely responsible for his attitudes and behaviors right now. Drugs and alcohol affect neurological functioning and cross the blood-brain barrier. If that's the case, you may find him to be a much more positive and honorable person in recovery. I hope that's the case. However, if you can look back over time and see traits such as lack of empathy and conscience, low remorse, manipulation, lies, and conduct problems, etc., your son may have a personality issue that is setting the stage for everything that has happened. I believe 100% that genetics and neurological issues are huge factors for personality/temperament, intelligence, self regulation, and more. I know it feels hopeless, if that's the case. However, I have found two silver linings in this: 1) It is easier to detach because I can so much more easily see that I have zero control over this, and 2) I can let go of the guilt questions, like, "What did I do or not do that caused this to happen?". </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>As long as this is the situation, please be vigilant and alert to your difficult child's efforts to suck you into his self pity and manipulation to get you to enable him in some way.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I understand this. JT's attitude is poor as well. However, I think if we're honest with ourselves, these issues run much deeper than attitude. </p><p></p><p>There is always some hope, even if small. JT is 20, and I still have hope that he will mature more over time. Also, if he does have anti-social personality disorder, there is evidence that it can improve in middle age. I definitely don't want to spend my life lamenting about the past or agonizing over the future. I want to have peace and joy right now, in the present, regardless of the potential outcomes in JT's life. So, I am learning to detach with love, to stop enabling and allowing myself to be consumed by this. It is a process that takes time and comes with ups and downs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stress Bunny, post: 629796, member: 4855"] Hey TL, Don't beat yourself up about the radio and sweats. They're not significant in the scheme of things. I think it's a positive that you are distancing yourself emotionally, as you mentioned. Not only will this bring you an opportunity for peace in your own life, but it will also remove the enabling that could keep your difficult child stuck in his addiction and problems. Our oldest is on a similar path as yours, and perhaps I am a bit further into the thick of it, but I'm with COM, I have found it extremely difficult to have any semblance of a normal relationship with JT. He is abusing drugs and living a life in complete conflict with any moral values we have embraced. For quite some time, I tried to maintain a relationship because I wanted that so much. JT, on the other hand, only wants a relationship with us in terms of the benefits it brings to him. It is all about him. I realized recently, that interactions with him must be very brief and very neutral and very infrequent. Otherwise, listening to him talk (think selfish, narcissistic, lying, cocky, boastful, blaming, egotistical, self-righteous, manipulative, rebellious, disrespectful, and oh so blind to his own role in his problems) sets me back emotionally for days or weeks. Conversations with him are like emotionally abusive slaps in the face, over, and over, and over. You mentioned about a potential personality disorder. That's definitely a possibility. I wish we had realized this sooner with JT and had him evaluated professionally for this with a personality inventory of some sort. I'm positive there is something wrong, most likely anti-social personality disorder (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)). Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) often overlaps with narcissism as well as substance abuse. In JT's case, the narcissism in particular, is glaring. He actually recruited a couple of his college friends to tell us that he (JT) rarely ever makes a mistake doing anything. He regularly claims that he is the best (fill in the blank) anyone has ever seen. He claims he knows more than experts about certain things, though he clearly does not have such knowledge or experience. JT is over-confident and truly believes he is superior to others. This, despite the fact that he flunked out of college after two consecutive semesters of ridiculously awful grades, was fired from a job, and was charged with underage drinking! It's unbelievably frustrating trying to get him to see the light! He doesn't and he won't any time soon. His ego is just too large. I have to let go of the control and the wishful thinking for a normal relationship. It's really not possible unless and until JT abandons his alcohol/drug habit and seeks to repair the damage he's caused in his relationship with us. That said, your son's drug addiction may be largely responsible for his attitudes and behaviors right now. Drugs and alcohol affect neurological functioning and cross the blood-brain barrier. If that's the case, you may find him to be a much more positive and honorable person in recovery. I hope that's the case. However, if you can look back over time and see traits such as lack of empathy and conscience, low remorse, manipulation, lies, and conduct problems, etc., your son may have a personality issue that is setting the stage for everything that has happened. I believe 100% that genetics and neurological issues are huge factors for personality/temperament, intelligence, self regulation, and more. I know it feels hopeless, if that's the case. However, I have found two silver linings in this: 1) It is easier to detach because I can so much more easily see that I have zero control over this, and 2) I can let go of the guilt questions, like, "What did I do or not do that caused this to happen?". As long as this is the situation, please be vigilant and alert to your difficult child's efforts to suck you into his self pity and manipulation to get you to enable him in some way. I understand this. JT's attitude is poor as well. However, I think if we're honest with ourselves, these issues run much deeper than attitude. There is always some hope, even if small. JT is 20, and I still have hope that he will mature more over time. Also, if he does have anti-social personality disorder, there is evidence that it can improve in middle age. I definitely don't want to spend my life lamenting about the past or agonizing over the future. I want to have peace and joy right now, in the present, regardless of the potential outcomes in JT's life. So, I am learning to detach with love, to stop enabling and allowing myself to be consumed by this. It is a process that takes time and comes with ups and downs. [/QUOTE]
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