Dear Helpless
I am praying with you that you hear about him or from him very soon. Maybe by now you have already heard. I hope so.
I know how you must be feeling. I have felt it too.
I am thinking of RN again. I am remembering how a turning point for her (and for some other mothers, I can't exactly remember who) was when she acknowledged that the worst could happen. I am remembering that she found solace in this and was able to reclaim some solidity and security in HER.
The thing is we can't base our own security (and sanity) on them and their welfare. Why? Because they are running amok.
More than likely he is okay. But the thing is he is living an out of control life. It is reality that he is doing things that could hurt him, and not doing the things that will keep him safe. This is HIS reality, but it is not YOUR reality.
You know already that your suffering will not help him be okay. Only when he gets it in his head that he wants to be safe, and that he doesn't want to do things that put him at risk--will he be safe.
Your challenge (and mine) is to be okay and to accept being and feeling okay when we are afraid for our sons. It is not easy, but it is doable.
Your suffering will not help him.
This is what I do: Find a mantra and repeat it. Pray. Meditate. Walk. Most of all, listen to music that makes me feel whole and transports me to another place, another realm. For me, it's Portuguese Fado music, but everybody has their own magical music.
The thing is to accept and believe that you don't deserve to suffer. Not.one.bit.