Getting worse

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Dec 14, 2008.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    My son tells me this morning that he got up after I went to bed and read every posts I'd written on here yesterday. Yes, I should have locked up the keyboard and mouse in the car. He seemed better about the cutting situatiion yesterday - in ways I won't get into right now.

    Then, today, I made a list of things we needed to get accomplished and scheduled our time out. I did it in order to have things compelted before dinner so that after dinner I was going to let him put up the tree. I hadn't even planned on having a tree this year but after reading the great things about Christmas thread on the WC and thinking about everything, I thought this might be a good thing to surprise him with tonight.

    But, no, he was supposed to spend 1 1/2 hr on make up work for school while I was paying bills and going over some IEP stuff, then we were going to go to the copy place so he could make and print 2 Christmas cards which was his idea and something he really wanted to do. At 12:00, I came to the office to start on bills and he acted like he was starting homework. Then, 2 mins later, he snuck out the back door.

    I turned the phone on and 1 min later, boy calls, I answer, boy hangs up. Then, 3 mins later, another call from "private", I answer, it was a younger boy (My guess is it's the younger bro of that other kid). He says "difficult child??", I say no, he's not here but if you see him, you might better tell him to get home because I'm calling police. He says "oh" and hangs up. Now, that was dumb on my part because difficult child knows that I already know it's pointless to call police. They will say call PO and leave message, unless difficult child was doing something illegal.

    It's pointless calling PO and leaving message. That's what I did 2 mos ago and she never returned call. She waited until next scheduled appointment- about 3 weeks later and put difficult child on house arrest for 3 weeks (no monitor/ankle bracelet- just grounded). And, she said if he didn't stay home while being on house arrest, she would schedule him to appear before judge again (which would take at least a few weeks to get done). So, I am not going to sit here and wait until Jan to discuss this with PO. (The same PO of course who had told judge that I should be held accountable for where my son is.) I wish I could call her and say put him on the ankle bracelet TODAY..and that she would do it. difficult child KNOWS that I can't get anything done or get any back-up what-so-ever today or tomorrow- this is exactly why he just turns around and does what he wants.

    I emailed the principal and told her things were critical at home and I have been calling people for over a week to get some help and asked that she please call me because they are spiraling to a worse situation.

    My mom has been emailing and leaving messages acting like I won't let difficult child contact her. difficult child hasn't tried to call her and I'm trying to deal with a crisis. Now, I need to call my mom and tell her something and try to keep her from either acting like this is all about her (because of course, everything in the world is) and hope she doesn't start making a gazillion phone calls crying to my bro or GAL or lord knows who else. I wish I had a mother who would have gotten up here and helped a little before things got to this point
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I don't know how to advise you on getting help for difficult child if the police and all won't cooperate. Just wanted to give you some hugs. Sounds like you could really use a few.
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Ugh big time.

    I don't understand PO's attitude. Doesn't take a super intellegient person to know that you don't wait to address a problem. She is way too detached to difficult child's case. The legal system sure is sending the message, "go ahead and do what you want. We will talk later - IF your mom can get us to return a call."

    One of the first lessons we learn as parents is immediate reaction. Gotta teach/stop at the time of the discretion not a week or two later when the kid has most likely forgotten about it!
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yeah, Andy- but that sometimes takes being a parent to know that- instead of a 20-something who recently married a man with 2 youngs ones so now she thinks she knows more about parenting my son than I do.

    difficult child had found an old plug-in phone and been using it today. He came home for about an hour shortly after I started this thread. Now he's left again. I found that phone plugged in and went to lock it in the trunk of my car. The trunk looked like it was closed but wasn't latched. Apparently, he must have the spare key to my car that I lost over a year ago. I say that because I slept with my cigarettes, lighter and keys and have kept them on my person all day. After we unloaded the car from shopping yesterday, I checked to make sure the trunk was closed and latched. But, today it was not and 2 packs of cigarettes are missing from the trunk.

    difficult child claims it's not the other boy who he's hanging out with. I know that's a lie because whenever difficult child isn't home, those calls from him stop. When difficult child is here, the calls come at least every 20 mins. and usually more often than that. Is there any drug they can be using that won't show up on the PO's urine test? Not that he seems high, but clearly, something isn't right.

    I can't believe that I'm to a point where I'm actually considering deliberatly trying to get a neglect charge just so they will take him somewhere besides detention for a temporary stay.
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2008
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I just wanted to jump in and give you a few hugs today.

  6. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Klmno: I hear you loud and clear. To me you sound like a caring Mom and the
    juvenile gangsta type user junk psh.
    What works for me is go to a higher office. The PO supervisor, or the oversight office above the watch commander not just an officer,
    can your phone be traced? Can these callers be id?
    The fact that you are not safe in your own home and can not protect your things is not good.
    I think that if there was a key involved the latch would not have been up. Maybe there is a jimmy being used to get in the truck. Either way you have been robbed there. So if you wanna direct attention there if it is useful
    do that.
    What can be done? I think you are right on the money. This sort of behavor can not go on.
    ARe you using a cell? Or do you have a land line too? BEcause it is so difficult if you are putting yourself at risk of no phone use by running up minutes for the cell.
    GEt clear about what YOU need and just say it,explain it, repeat it,
    restate it and keep asking for the help. HELP. Ask who else can help you and then call them. Some intervention is needed. Call his treating psycdoc too,
    ask for the physicians exchange number. If they refer you to the er, call er
    and say you need to talk to the treating doctor for your teen with:list his diagnosis.
    Hang in there, Mom.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, all! Does anyone know if I can call cps and see if they can take my son to protect him from himself for what he's done so far? Can that take him out of state without a judge hearing the whole story if they did take him?

    Everyone, including me, and the judge and the gal and the po, and the school, etc., want me to prevent things and expect me to and are going to hold me accountable if I don't, yet I can't prevent anything without their help.
  8. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    all way above my head, but I wanted to pop in to say I'm sorry you're havin to deal with- all this and it seems that no one is listening to your LOUD cries for help. ((HUGS))
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It has to be more than frustrating not to be getting the help you are seeking. It gets me angry that others aren't doing more. Sending supportive hugs your way.
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    klmno........have you contacted timer lady or JJJ? They have done something, I think, that involves cps, so their kids can get foster group home care.

    I know for a fact, that you can give up your rights as a parent and give your child to the state, so that they will and have to provide medical and mental health care. I am not sure that is actually the route you want to go, because it gets dicey from there - however - awhile back I wrote a research paper on that exact topic, and I know you can do it to get a child help when no one else is willing to help. There was also a 20/20 on it, I believe, and you could do an internet search to get the details.

    Hugs, PM me if you need anything more.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    What would happen if I sent someone here (PM) a 800 # to call to say that a kid might be getting ready to hurt him/herself (if you made you phone number set to private so it wouldn't show up)? He has a key to the house. He has a lighter (he's been convicted of arson before). He's acting very odd. He's bipolar. He's been cutting. He won't listen to his mother- the mother has no help. There's a kid who's been busted for drugs that won't quit calling. The PO won't return a call. The mom has been calling everywhere to get help but can't find it. The psychiatric hospital won't consider this acute. But, it isn't enough that cops would transport him to er or take him anywhere because he isn't saying that he'll kill himself or someone else. At least I could report something that way while someone else is here. But I have to be sure that they won't leave him here.

    The 800 # here- well, they don't call it cps- they call it a hotline for child abuse and neglect. I haven't abused or neglected him. He's on a self-destructive mission.

    Steely, you are right in that signing over parental rights would be a LAST resort because I do believe that the lifelong psychological damage to my son would be worse than having him turned over to state Department of Juvenile Justice. My first choice is to get us help so he can stay at home (that is doubtful) second choice is getting him into group home, Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or something that doesn't make him worse and has a chance of helping him and deciphering all this while I get things back in order, finally, if I can't get those, then I know I can get him back in court and turned over to state Department of Juvenile Justice- it's just that then he would have a bigger record, be exposed to more , have basicly no education and I reallly think that he would do musch better and have a better chance and it would be punishment enough if someone would just back up that he cannot live at home if he gives into the "bad part" of the cycling or whatever. I can't explain it in a logical way right now- but to me, going from home to long term state detention is going from one extreme to another. A whole lot of this is due to him giving in instead of putting forth all the effort he can because he knows I have no back up.
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2008
  12. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Call the psychiatrist, therapist and admitting office or ER of the psychiatric hospital tonight. Tell them all the self-destructive behaviors he's doing and ask what you can do. Do you have a friend who could help you transport him to the ER tonight? I just don't like the sound of what's going on. I think he's acting very destabilized.
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I agree with smallworld, call for some help via 911. There are many standards in place to deal with this sort of thing - if you, as his parent, think he may be ready to harm someone or something it is my understanding that they have to take him in and evaluate him at the local phosph.

    Even if you "give up your parental rights", it does not mean you are not still an integral factor in his life and livelihood. It only means that you did not have the financial means to get him help, and the state does.

    The first step is to get him some help by dialing someone or somebody. Start with your local police dept.
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I wish I had some answers for you, klmno. Prayers and hugs being sent to you.