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Getting worse....
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 633561" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Ersi, you've received stellar support and information from the Warrior Mom's. </p><p></p><p>What we all come to realize at some point in this journey is that it is HIGHLY unlikely that our kids are going to change on their own volition.......so the task at hand then becomes, WE have to do the changing. How we do that is by changing our responses to them. Generally, we refrain from giving them anything else, money, a place to stay, advice, pretty much anything at all. We insist on being treated with respect and dignity and we refuse to acknowledge their manipulations and tactics to create pity or sympathy in us. We pull back and stay on the sidelines, offering our love but generally, not our resources. </p><p></p><p>Once we establish those boundaries, sometimes, not always, they change and discover ways to take care of themselves. Often before that happens, they get emotionally charged up and blame us, up the ante in drama and attempt to pull us back into taking care of them with any methods they can muster. If we can maneuver through that mine field, generally, it begins to get easier. We start to get used to the new tactics and more comfortable keeping our boundaries intact.</p><p></p><p>One important component is to make sure you get as much support as you can. Try reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. CoDa 12 step groups are helpful as is Al Anon. Therapy, parent groups, any kind of counseling or groups where you can get support, feel heard, receive empathy, compassion and understanding. This is a very hard road indeed if we attempt to do it alone.</p><p></p><p>When we're been at this for awhile, we lose our grasp on our own needs. It becomes important to remember to put the focus on yourself, to make sure you get your needs met, to be especially kind to yourself and to create nurturing, nourishing environments. Most of us forget how to do that when confronted with a troubled child and we become depleted, exhausted and filled with guilt. It's a tough road for all of us, but it's made a little more bearable and comfortable if you remember to take very good care of yourself. Once you begin to do that, the choices you have to make about detachment are more palatable and understandable and somewhat easier too.</p><p></p><p>Ersi, GuideMe and sweetmama we're glad you're here. You're not alone anymore. We may be a tad weary with a few more grey hairs, but we're really good at rallying around each other to offer solace and comfort and understanding................stay close to the board, keep posting, it helps.......we're here.......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 633561, member: 13542"] Ersi, you've received stellar support and information from the Warrior Mom's. What we all come to realize at some point in this journey is that it is HIGHLY unlikely that our kids are going to change on their own volition.......so the task at hand then becomes, WE have to do the changing. How we do that is by changing our responses to them. Generally, we refrain from giving them anything else, money, a place to stay, advice, pretty much anything at all. We insist on being treated with respect and dignity and we refuse to acknowledge their manipulations and tactics to create pity or sympathy in us. We pull back and stay on the sidelines, offering our love but generally, not our resources. Once we establish those boundaries, sometimes, not always, they change and discover ways to take care of themselves. Often before that happens, they get emotionally charged up and blame us, up the ante in drama and attempt to pull us back into taking care of them with any methods they can muster. If we can maneuver through that mine field, generally, it begins to get easier. We start to get used to the new tactics and more comfortable keeping our boundaries intact. One important component is to make sure you get as much support as you can. Try reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. CoDa 12 step groups are helpful as is Al Anon. Therapy, parent groups, any kind of counseling or groups where you can get support, feel heard, receive empathy, compassion and understanding. This is a very hard road indeed if we attempt to do it alone. When we're been at this for awhile, we lose our grasp on our own needs. It becomes important to remember to put the focus on yourself, to make sure you get your needs met, to be especially kind to yourself and to create nurturing, nourishing environments. Most of us forget how to do that when confronted with a troubled child and we become depleted, exhausted and filled with guilt. It's a tough road for all of us, but it's made a little more bearable and comfortable if you remember to take very good care of yourself. Once you begin to do that, the choices you have to make about detachment are more palatable and understandable and somewhat easier too. Ersi, GuideMe and sweetmama we're glad you're here. You're not alone anymore. We may be a tad weary with a few more grey hairs, but we're really good at rallying around each other to offer solace and comfort and understanding................stay close to the board, keep posting, it helps.......we're here....... [/QUOTE]
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