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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 633574" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Amen. (continuing the preaching theme...<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/heh.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":heh:" title="heh :heh:" data-shortname=":heh:" />). </p><p></p><p>Seriously, one day you will wake up, and you will be so sick and tired of it all, that you KNOW something has to really change here.</p><p>And it will dawn on you that something has to be YOU.</p><p></p><p>And then you will say: Well, what do I need to change and how to I do it?</p><p></p><p>There will be cognitive dissonance---a lot of it---at first, because after all, what are you doing wrong? All you are trying to do is help someone---your own child (adult as they are)---with things they obviously are not equipped to do themselves. </p><p></p><p>You're the long-suffering, good person here, right? Why do YOU need to change? You're not slopping around the house, sleeping til noon, not working, using drugs, not complying with anybody or anything. </p><p></p><p>Yes, that goes on for a while, and then as we open our minds---key first step---and begin to really listen, and realize we aren't unique, and our situation is NOT different, and there is a pattern here---and we continue to be sick and tired and do the same things we have been doing still---but now we are at least trying to learn, we will start to get a glimpse of it.</p><p></p><p>And then one day, we actually start doing some of the things people have recommended. Going to Al-Anon and CODA meetings. Reading books like CoDependent No more. Writing in a journal. Meditating. Praying. Taking better care of ourselves. </p><p></p><p>We start doing some of these things...and miracle of miracles---we start to feel a little bit better. Oh, we are still doing the same things, but something is starting to penetrate our longstanding beliefs and habits that we always thought made us a good parent. </p><p></p><p>It's just a little glimmer at first, but it feels good enough that we keep on with it. After all, we haven't felt good in so very long. </p><p></p><p>And then we keep on and on and on with it all. We start going to several Al-Anon meetings a week and we get a sponsor. We agree to do what that person tells us to do, which is more study, more reading and writing, more meetings. </p><p></p><p>Then we realize that we are starting to turn some of our energy onto something else besides our difficult children. And that gives them a little space and time and distance. And maybe (mine didn't, but maybe yours did or will) they will start to do something different.</p><p></p><p>Slowly, we start changing our behavior with our difficult children. Not all in one fell swoop, and lots of backsliding and going back to the old habits, but we start doing at least one thing different. And then another, and another, and another. </p><p></p><p>And we continue to feel better and better. Oh, they don't like any of this, and they fuss and yell and cuss and act out, and of course that makes us doubt it all, and so confused, but we are feeling better and we like that, so we keep on. </p><p></p><p>We get support. We get reinforcements. We work. And when I say work, I mean like studying in a college class. It's an everyday thing with me now. </p><p></p><p>Every single day, I spend time---scheduled into my day---working on my own recovery from the disease of enabling. I have to. I truly have no choice in the matter if I want to be a healthier, happier, more peaceful, more serene, more contented person.</p><p></p><p>Today, I am more centered than I have ever been in my life. And my son is homeless.</p><p></p><p>I want to keep that centered feeling. I want to keep it growing and present, so I do the work---the very hardest work I have ever done in my whole life. </p><p></p><p>Do I still get confused? Yes. Sad, scared, angry, all of the emotions? You bet I do. Do I backslide? You bet I do. Do I struggle with whether to give my son a Subway gift card or let him wash his clothes here or take a shower here? You bet I do.</p><p></p><p>I can only do what I can live with. I can only do my very best every day, and that will include tons of mistakes. </p><p></p><p>I firmly and totally believe that getting out of the way of an adult person, so he/she can live their own life, no matter how awful and ugly it is to me, is the only way to live. I still don't know how to do it, but I keep trying, and I do that through daily hard work.</p><p></p><p>It won't happen if we keep on doing the same things we have done, and we do not have an open mind, and we don't study new ways of thinking and behaving. Like RE says, we have to create new neural pathways in our brains. </p><p></p><p>All of the things we thought about being a good parent don't work with difficult children. They just don't. So, we can keep on doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result---you know what THAT defines---or we can open our minds, and we can start to truly and seriously entertain the idea of doing something different.</p><p></p><p>It's our choice. We have choices. Warm hugs to all of you Warrior Moms. We are here on the front lines, together.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 633574, member: 17542"] Amen. (continuing the preaching theme...:heh:). Seriously, one day you will wake up, and you will be so sick and tired of it all, that you KNOW something has to really change here. And it will dawn on you that something has to be YOU. And then you will say: Well, what do I need to change and how to I do it? There will be cognitive dissonance---a lot of it---at first, because after all, what are you doing wrong? All you are trying to do is help someone---your own child (adult as they are)---with things they obviously are not equipped to do themselves. You're the long-suffering, good person here, right? Why do YOU need to change? You're not slopping around the house, sleeping til noon, not working, using drugs, not complying with anybody or anything. Yes, that goes on for a while, and then as we open our minds---key first step---and begin to really listen, and realize we aren't unique, and our situation is NOT different, and there is a pattern here---and we continue to be sick and tired and do the same things we have been doing still---but now we are at least trying to learn, we will start to get a glimpse of it. And then one day, we actually start doing some of the things people have recommended. Going to Al-Anon and CODA meetings. Reading books like CoDependent No more. Writing in a journal. Meditating. Praying. Taking better care of ourselves. We start doing some of these things...and miracle of miracles---we start to feel a little bit better. Oh, we are still doing the same things, but something is starting to penetrate our longstanding beliefs and habits that we always thought made us a good parent. It's just a little glimmer at first, but it feels good enough that we keep on with it. After all, we haven't felt good in so very long. And then we keep on and on and on with it all. We start going to several Al-Anon meetings a week and we get a sponsor. We agree to do what that person tells us to do, which is more study, more reading and writing, more meetings. Then we realize that we are starting to turn some of our energy onto something else besides our difficult children. And that gives them a little space and time and distance. And maybe (mine didn't, but maybe yours did or will) they will start to do something different. Slowly, we start changing our behavior with our difficult children. Not all in one fell swoop, and lots of backsliding and going back to the old habits, but we start doing at least one thing different. And then another, and another, and another. And we continue to feel better and better. Oh, they don't like any of this, and they fuss and yell and cuss and act out, and of course that makes us doubt it all, and so confused, but we are feeling better and we like that, so we keep on. We get support. We get reinforcements. We work. And when I say work, I mean like studying in a college class. It's an everyday thing with me now. Every single day, I spend time---scheduled into my day---working on my own recovery from the disease of enabling. I have to. I truly have no choice in the matter if I want to be a healthier, happier, more peaceful, more serene, more contented person. Today, I am more centered than I have ever been in my life. And my son is homeless. I want to keep that centered feeling. I want to keep it growing and present, so I do the work---the very hardest work I have ever done in my whole life. Do I still get confused? Yes. Sad, scared, angry, all of the emotions? You bet I do. Do I backslide? You bet I do. Do I struggle with whether to give my son a Subway gift card or let him wash his clothes here or take a shower here? You bet I do. I can only do what I can live with. I can only do my very best every day, and that will include tons of mistakes. I firmly and totally believe that getting out of the way of an adult person, so he/she can live their own life, no matter how awful and ugly it is to me, is the only way to live. I still don't know how to do it, but I keep trying, and I do that through daily hard work. It won't happen if we keep on doing the same things we have done, and we do not have an open mind, and we don't study new ways of thinking and behaving. Like RE says, we have to create new neural pathways in our brains. All of the things we thought about being a good parent don't work with difficult children. They just don't. So, we can keep on doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result---you know what THAT defines---or we can open our minds, and we can start to truly and seriously entertain the idea of doing something different. It's our choice. We have choices. Warm hugs to all of you Warrior Moms. We are here on the front lines, together. [/QUOTE]
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