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Substance Abuse
Girlfriends past drug use.
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<blockquote data-quote="DavidEssex" data-source="post: 627514" data-attributes="member: 18049"><p>**Update: she just called to see how I was. There is still A LOT of love there. I don't want to paint the picture of us that this issue defines us. Mostly we are great, caring and a good effect on each other. This is just an issue which has reared an ugly head too often, and has escalated due to no real conclusion. It peaked the other day when I discovered she had been lying about the extent of the use for over a year.**</p><p></p><p><u>Thank you all for your help. I'm reading EVERY word carefully and I appreciate your help. </u></p><p></p><p>----</p><p></p><p>Yes both 29 now (just tuned last week). Drugs were from age of 24/25ish. I agree, if this were something that happened 20 years ago the distance would be significant, but this is still very fresh.</p><p></p><p>MidWestMom, thank you for your post.</p><p></p><p>Yes, when I was younger (including right before I met my girlfriend) I fooled around a lot with women. I never EVER took advantage of anybody or a situation and was always very up front. My intention wasn't always to "mess around" either, often it was in pursuit of a partner. But yes, sometimes it was just casual sex with somebody I knew full well I'd never see again.</p><p></p><p>This is something I've talked with her about actually. To my own point, it's something I said I did a little too much of towards the end and isn't something I'm totally proud of. I'd much rather of just had a girlfriend, specifically her. It was behaviour I'd totally erase with a different, happier more productive outcome in line with who I am. It's not something I dwell on or can change, but it's sincerely in my heart if asked about.</p><p></p><p>However I don't think this can be likened to heavy drug use. Maybe under the heading of "Things you wouldn't like to tell your children", but then, I wouldn't want to tell my children I used to masturbate a lot as a teenager either. Not because there was anything shameful with masturbation, rather just because it's awkward. Snorting cocaine in toilet cubicles however I do consider shameful and is far more of a "unnatural decision to be made" than having sex. Even if it's not in line with everybody's thoughts here: I know my parents would be worried / hurt if I did cocaine. If they thought I was masturbating, it would just be considered normal. Same with adults consenting sex. I know different people will have views on this: but that's the point: where do you draw the lines on decency.</p><p></p><p>===============</p><p></p><p>Just a couple of points I want to hit on to paint a clearer picture here. Apologies for not putting it all in the initial post, things are coming to me that are probably very relevant.</p><p></p><p>1. She used to drink A LOT. She has told me she would get drunk several times a week to the extent of blacking out / vomiting etc and this is something she <strong>regrets.</strong> I pointed out to her that this would be a direct link to the drug use (and indeed a zenith of that behaviour / environment / social circle) and pointed out its odd to regret one and not the other for this reason.</p><p></p><p><strong><u>I don't think it is shameful to regret actions. I'm not talking about dwelling on anything, but acknowledging our decisions and how they relate to our current mindset.</u></strong></p><p></p><p>2. She labels her Mother as an alcoholic and paints a picture of a troubled upbringing. I know she has done drugs with her own Mother (weed / mushrooms) which I find shocking, and in al likelihood this has "normalised" her outlook of drugs. For all I know (and I likley never will) her Mother could have always told her stories about her own heavy drug use, normalising it to the extent she couldn't tell the woods from the trees. This is the EXACT reason I wouldn't feel comfortable with her telling our own (potential) children about her drug use, in case it cracks the door open.</p><p></p><p>If we were all faced with pressing a button whether our kids snort cocaine at conception, we'd all opt for them not to. I honestly believe our actions in raising them should be geared towards that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DavidEssex, post: 627514, member: 18049"] **Update: she just called to see how I was. There is still A LOT of love there. I don't want to paint the picture of us that this issue defines us. Mostly we are great, caring and a good effect on each other. This is just an issue which has reared an ugly head too often, and has escalated due to no real conclusion. It peaked the other day when I discovered she had been lying about the extent of the use for over a year.** [U]Thank you all for your help. I'm reading EVERY word carefully and I appreciate your help. [/U] ---- Yes both 29 now (just tuned last week). Drugs were from age of 24/25ish. I agree, if this were something that happened 20 years ago the distance would be significant, but this is still very fresh. MidWestMom, thank you for your post. Yes, when I was younger (including right before I met my girlfriend) I fooled around a lot with women. I never EVER took advantage of anybody or a situation and was always very up front. My intention wasn't always to "mess around" either, often it was in pursuit of a partner. But yes, sometimes it was just casual sex with somebody I knew full well I'd never see again. This is something I've talked with her about actually. To my own point, it's something I said I did a little too much of towards the end and isn't something I'm totally proud of. I'd much rather of just had a girlfriend, specifically her. It was behaviour I'd totally erase with a different, happier more productive outcome in line with who I am. It's not something I dwell on or can change, but it's sincerely in my heart if asked about. However I don't think this can be likened to heavy drug use. Maybe under the heading of "Things you wouldn't like to tell your children", but then, I wouldn't want to tell my children I used to masturbate a lot as a teenager either. Not because there was anything shameful with masturbation, rather just because it's awkward. Snorting cocaine in toilet cubicles however I do consider shameful and is far more of a "unnatural decision to be made" than having sex. Even if it's not in line with everybody's thoughts here: I know my parents would be worried / hurt if I did cocaine. If they thought I was masturbating, it would just be considered normal. Same with adults consenting sex. I know different people will have views on this: but that's the point: where do you draw the lines on decency. =============== Just a couple of points I want to hit on to paint a clearer picture here. Apologies for not putting it all in the initial post, things are coming to me that are probably very relevant. 1. She used to drink A LOT. She has told me she would get drunk several times a week to the extent of blacking out / vomiting etc and this is something she [B]regrets.[/B] I pointed out to her that this would be a direct link to the drug use (and indeed a zenith of that behaviour / environment / social circle) and pointed out its odd to regret one and not the other for this reason. [B][U]I don't think it is shameful to regret actions. I'm not talking about dwelling on anything, but acknowledging our decisions and how they relate to our current mindset.[/U][/B] 2. She labels her Mother as an alcoholic and paints a picture of a troubled upbringing. I know she has done drugs with her own Mother (weed / mushrooms) which I find shocking, and in al likelihood this has "normalised" her outlook of drugs. For all I know (and I likley never will) her Mother could have always told her stories about her own heavy drug use, normalising it to the extent she couldn't tell the woods from the trees. This is the EXACT reason I wouldn't feel comfortable with her telling our own (potential) children about her drug use, in case it cracks the door open. If we were all faced with pressing a button whether our kids snort cocaine at conception, we'd all opt for them not to. I honestly believe our actions in raising them should be geared towards that. [/QUOTE]
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