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Substance Abuse
Girlfriends past drug use.
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 627552" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Hi David,</p><p></p><p>I think this is something you need to find a way to let go of. You cannot control how she feels about her past or what she regrets or feels shame about. It feels a little to me like you are putting her in a position of having to tell you what you want to hear, which in essense is asking her to lie about how she really feels. Then of course you are upset when you find out she lies. That is putting her in rather a catch 22 position. </p><p></p><p>She has the right to feel however she feels about her past, to deal with it however she wants to deal with it. I really dont think you can or should ask her to feel differently.</p><p></p><p>Honestly with my difficult child I am not looking for him to feel shame about all the things he has done... I am just looking for him to rebuild his life and stay sober.</p><p></p><p>Sounds like she does regret the heavy drinking she has done in the past and has no desire to do that again. The fact she has done drugs in the past, really so what? Does it mean she will do them in the future, maybe but definitely maybe not.</p><p></p><p>She is thinking about what she would tell your kids now.... but you dont have kids yet and what she chooses to tell them or not tell them may change a lot once you have kids, what those kids are like, what your concerns are etc. I really would not even worry about that issue until it is closer at hand.</p><p></p><p>You really need to let go of her past, whatever it is. Its really her business not yours. And seriously you are putting her in a position where she is going to have to keep things from you. That would be my biggest concern right now as others have said.....how much can you trust each other? Can she trust that you wont invade her privacy by snooping? Can she trust you to not judge her or get mad when she shares something with you? Can you trust her not to lie to you?</p><p></p><p>I actually think seeing a therapist together might be a good idea but to me the big issue is not her past drug use but the trust between you.</p><p></p><p>TL</p><p></p><p></p><p>Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 627552, member: 15801"] Hi David, I think this is something you need to find a way to let go of. You cannot control how she feels about her past or what she regrets or feels shame about. It feels a little to me like you are putting her in a position of having to tell you what you want to hear, which in essense is asking her to lie about how she really feels. Then of course you are upset when you find out she lies. That is putting her in rather a catch 22 position. She has the right to feel however she feels about her past, to deal with it however she wants to deal with it. I really dont think you can or should ask her to feel differently. Honestly with my difficult child I am not looking for him to feel shame about all the things he has done... I am just looking for him to rebuild his life and stay sober. Sounds like she does regret the heavy drinking she has done in the past and has no desire to do that again. The fact she has done drugs in the past, really so what? Does it mean she will do them in the future, maybe but definitely maybe not. She is thinking about what she would tell your kids now.... but you dont have kids yet and what she chooses to tell them or not tell them may change a lot once you have kids, what those kids are like, what your concerns are etc. I really would not even worry about that issue until it is closer at hand. You really need to let go of her past, whatever it is. Its really her business not yours. And seriously you are putting her in a position where she is going to have to keep things from you. That would be my biggest concern right now as others have said.....how much can you trust each other? Can she trust that you wont invade her privacy by snooping? Can she trust you to not judge her or get mad when she shares something with you? Can you trust her not to lie to you? I actually think seeing a therapist together might be a good idea but to me the big issue is not her past drug use but the trust between you. TL Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app [/QUOTE]
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