give me strength

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Apr 15, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    yea i'm actually asking for it lol.

    i'm struggling, haven't been able to sleep much with tmrw approaching and her moving out.

    i'm struggling with seperation, ihave therapy on monday so i'm hoping that'll help. i don't want to screw up tmrw. break down infront of her, let my knee jerk reaction to the situation cause me to try to stop her and create a horrible scene.

    i am like a human roller coaster, my emotions regarding this are all over the map. it's horrible. i'm usually in control yet i'm not now. one minute i'm smiling the next i'm tearing up.

    i'm so worried for her, so concerned, finding out she's going to mexico certainly didnt' help. how do i cope and not keep my cell near me each night waiting for that horrid phone call your daughter's hurt in hospital etc.

    i've got alot of guilt. i adore difficult child yet i'm secretly angered by her. i sat down and processed all the years, the difficult child craziness fact it's taken me 12 years to get a small handle on her. i tried so hard yet nothing i did was enough. the fact that 5 years ago i lost it all financially due to difficult child's doctor's, reduced work hours, etc. and easy child knew it.

    she has lead a troubled existance in our home due to difficult child. i know it in my heart. we had good times, we did vacation somewhat i always tried yet you can't change the dynamic ofa home with a difficult child in it 100%. it's always there.

    i havent' felt this cornered in years with a situation. i feel so boxed in. ugh. hate that, i love optoins i can't even change my focus now or have control over where that absurd brain of mine is going regarding this.

    all i keep thinking is yup i'm losing her, she's a wreck, i'Tourette's Syndrome partially my fault i didnt' get difficult child controlled quick enough and she did partially lose a childhood due to it. how can i forgive me? i guess that's the real question here.

    sorry i know i'm all over the board this week. yet family isnt' offering anything ya know how they go lol

  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Jen, hon... HUGS... I understand in an odd sort of way, though mine are (for now) glued to home.

    My Mom pointed out something to me... And I think you and I may be very much alike in this. My Grandma (her mom) was very negative, always looking for the bad things - what is the WORST that can happen - and worrying about that. My Mom does it as well (especially when she's had a few glasses of wine, lemme tell ya!)... And so do I.

    So... With "easy child" moving out... What is the BEST THING that can happen? For you? For difficult child? For "easy child"?

    Just something to think about.
  3. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    It is hard to separate from your child. So what if you break down and cry? It hurts to say goodbye. I would just focus on not saying things you will regret or being angry. She will come back ultimately in some form I suspect if you leave the door open to a relationship in the future. As someone said, you can't protect even when she is nominally living at your house so really how much worse off will she be? At least she won't be fighting with you all the time and she may learn a few things.

    Jena, I hope it is all right to say this, but sometimes I feel tired reading your emails because it seems like everything and everyone is a battle and calls for a planting. You must be exhausted. Is there anyway to let some of these battles go?
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i will good point. thanks for responding. i know it's an endless thread of posts by me. i don't care though i gotta get it out lol. just did her financial aid and all her doctor's for college in fall. if she chose's to go. hopefully me giving her these docs' along with-the rest of her stuff will entice her to make at least some good choices.

    this wasn't getting to take pics of her in her prom dress, or teach her to drive or take her away just her and i as i planned this summer our last summer together before adulthood yet i got some sort of thrill out of it lol.
  5. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Jen, its fine to post a lot. I was just reflecting on what a conflict filled existence you seem to lead.

    it is hard to give up dreams and the secondary pleasure we get (like shopping for a prom dress). difficult children teach one a whole lot about parenting the child we have, not the one we might have hoped for. It is up to us as parents of difficult children to really live through ourselves, because heavens knows, the satisfaction of raising a difficult child doesn't come on a daily basis unless you are Mother Theresa.

    Hope you keep a copy of all the docs you did for her. I think deep down she knows you love her and care for her. This may just be her way of "planting" you for all that she rightly or wrongly feels cheated of because of difficult child. Her problem not yours, you did the best you could to play the hand you were dealt. She's an adult, she can chose to move beyond the hurt or not. Your job is to let her get there on her own, and meet her with compassion and forgiveness if she ever does get there.

    It is so hard when you can't protect them from the mess they might make of their lives.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's kind of what I was trying to say once before - and it isn't criticism- but sometimes we gradually get caught up in a life of chaos so long it becomes a habit and even though it's not a habit we want, it's still a habit and hard to see as a habit and thus, even harder than many to break. I think Jen is in this habit- not that there aren't real issues going on, just that it has become the norm to stay involved in the chaos rather than make healthier choices. I don't think it's intentional but I do think it could be effecting her youngest difficult child's ability to get better faster. Just my 2 cents!
  7. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I lived through a similiar - but also very different - version of your current situation. I have an only chilc, adopted as an infant, who did not show her difficult child colors until around the age of 15. There were signs, but she was pretty much a easy child. This is the year her dad left us - out of the clear blue sky after 28 years of marriage.

    Because she did not like the rules here (do your homework, be home on time, unreasonable things like that), she moved in with her dad just before her senior year.

    Like you, I was beside myself with anger and hurt. Like you, I mourned what I thought would be the loss of the rituals - prom dresses, first day of school.... I was absolultely sick. I also alternately blamed myself (I can't keep a husband either) and was furious with her (how could you leave me, too? I'm the GOOD guy in this messs!). I worried about the lack of rules and fought my intense jealousy over his getting off scott free ...even though I never once uttered a bad word about him to her, I expected her to see the light.

    On the advice of her t-doctor, we made her come back. It was not pretty at first and I promised her I'd say nothing about where she chose to live once she reached 18. She did eventually move back with dad (no rules) but I had her back with me for about 3/4 of her senior year. and also for the summer after she dropped out of college.

    The very worst thing I did was to break downin front of her. Avoid, at all costs, any situation where you think this is possible.

    My point is that I understand, completely, your grief over this. It's not fair. Our difficult child's are rarely fair. And, like me, youthought you had a easy child ...and I pray that you will get that child back in some form.

    By leting go when my daughter made her choice - again - to leave this fall, I have formed a new and better relationship with her. I get to be the parent she misses! I see her regularly and her dad deals with her messes, her mania, her lack of motivation.

    Try as hard as you can to keep your eyes on the horizon. Look at this as a stage - a really ugly stage , but one that will pass.

  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    make healthier choices? i'm sorry i'm trying so badly not to get offended, i'm super sensitive right now. yet that statement kinda left me like huh what? i'm not even going to respond to that actually, it's beyond absurd.

    everyone else thanks. such is life. funny thing is here i sat filling out financial aid docs for her and i keep getting school calls how she isnt' attending classes at all this week lol.

    just wanted to make sure though i covered it and got it done. one less thing she'll be able to put on me that lovely child of mine! she didnt' ven come say bye to her sister. piece of work that kid. regardless of the hurt enough is enough now. she told difficult child well i'll be by monday for dinner? wtf. i said oh no you wont', i emailed and said let's get this straight and gave her rules of how moving out goes down.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    i do not have a clue why you are filling out college financial aid form for. That is where detachment and making better choices come in.
  10. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    Jena -

    Are you doing anything like going for a walk or bike ride or anything physical right now? If not, it might help you with some of those intense feelings.

    Your writing is kind of falling apart and incoherent. I'm really worried about you.

    Do you have a therapist of your own? Can you get one right away to help you through this?

    You need to hold it together for difficult child honey.

    If you're not sleeping, do you have any medications you can take to help you get to sleep? Can you go see your doctor for help? Or a psychiatrist? Will easy child's psychiatrist see you on short notice as a patient?

    Your brain chemistry is probably all out of whack between not sleeping and the stress. Maybe the docs can give you something short term to help you get things back in balance.

    Please do what you need to do so you get some sleep tonight. It will help a lot.

    Peace -

  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Where did I leave off? And then she's coming back for dinner? I am so confused.

    I feel for you about the loss of regular HS activities, prom dress, etc. So heartbreaking.

    I am sending strength.
  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    terry yea lol you skipped a few beats........... it's been crazy. long story short she's leaving, we gave ultimatium can't spell either follow rules or you have to go it's too unhealthy for all. she chose to go. mexico, vacations with her new set of friends etc. just craziness.

    anyway supposedly sh'es coming today to get her stuff, we havent' seen her in days. so if she doesnt' show though by late afternoon i have to pack it up and put it outside. didn't want to have to do that, yet have to stick to my guns. she's been spiraling now for a while. hope your doing ok.

    Janet - one of the great things about being part of everything here is it's a safe place to vent, non judgemental etc and yes there will be so much advice thrown my way and great people who take the time to give me that advice due to caring. yet i'm feeling my way thru it, it's all new for me, i have to take from the advice what i want and leave the rest and do what i feel is right. maybe i'm making a mistake maybe i'm not. i just have to go with what feels right in my gut now. filling out those doctor's felt right. at least its' covered and an option for her. won't be handling it from here on out, that'll be up to her now if she choses to maintain it etc.

    letting go as i'm sure you know is a process, i'm not going to be great at it in the beginning, it takes time. i think i'm doing ok right now to be honest. i'Tourette's Syndrome been a hard year for me and my family so very much going on, difficult child sick in two hospitals, the husband, the dogs you name it. to me it's the year of cleaning up all the junk. i have a strong feeling by next year i'll sit back and say ok last year really suxd but look where i am now or my life is now, difficult child etc.

    as you know i may get kicked down yet i'm all about turning lemons into lemonade i just need a little more time with this one. have some issues to work thru, hence therapy for this issue on monday. i'm not incoherent, i don't know i was able to read my stuff ok lol. maybe i'm bouncing a bit lack of sleep and tremendous stress will do it to you :) got some sleep last night. just hoping she comes because her rooms a mess a huge mess and i don't want to spend my day packing up her junk to be honest.

    weather's bad here so i think it's going to be a movie day and ordering in for me. no great plans just to take it easy.

    one more thing, sorry long whether you guys think i'm making the right detatchment choices or not it's still all good you guys took the time to write it down, think it out and thats' what's so great about here and i appreciate the words, advice and support as always i truly do! :)
  13. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Is it like watching them go off to kindergarten for the first time, where you know you can't be right there to help everything, they have to learn to get up on their own when they fall and they'll survive the scrapes and bruises?
  14. ML

    ML Guest

    Hold strong to what you know is the right thing to do. Your guilt is only going to make things worse. Let it go. You did the best you could. A saying I love is that our kids will have to recover from their childhoods just as we had to. Let her make her choices and don't rescue her from the consequences. It's all you can do. I'm sorry for your hurting heart. It is essential that you take care of yourself right now. I too am worried about you but I have confidence in you and I know you will make the best decisions for your family. And again, that starts with taking care of Jena. Cuz if mama ain't happy...
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    "This too shall pass." As part of her power struggle I'm half expecting that she won't show toay. Glad your prepared. Hugs DDD

    PS: Did you have time to make a copy of her records just to be on the safe side?
  16. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Oh, not sure if it got lost on your thread, but is she aware that as of 2009 she has to have a passport to get back home from Mexico?
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I didn't know that! DDD
  18. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    My boyfriend lives in Canada, so I can't take Kiddo because without her father's signature I can't get her a passport. The passport laws for Canada and Mexico by car/foot/land transport went active at the beginning of 2009. You can get IN, it's coming BACK that's an issue.
  19. Jena

    Jena New Member

    haozi i didnt' know that i love canada! DDD you literally read my mind, wow your scary sometimes lol. i thought same exact thing. i'm going to have to spend part of my day cleaning thsi kids room up and packing it up. i will though, i have to stick to my word with this it's crucial.if i do not i'm saying hey it's ok walk all over me, call me names, hurt your sister...... yea i like it give me more lol.

    ml yes i know, i'm ok don't worry you know me. i always pull thru. alot of us have been down this road before if they can do it i can. i have husband who half the time i want to choke lol, last night we went at eachother the stress level is too high. went to bed angry the whole nine yards, he's ******, doesn't get it than wanted me to be excited to see him last night we had plans to watch a movie he was hurt because i was in a carpy mood. i have xanax to calm me when absolutely necessary and if i find by next week i'm still a bit flat i'll head to doctor for an ssri.

    your all very correct it's my guilt now, not her that's getting me. the review of our life etc. as parents we tend to look backwards at times like this, sort of surreal. yet i have to remind myself i've done my best, given my all literally and this is her task now, not mine. easy child's and my connection is quite different than difficult child. she was my first, we did it alone i went from being a single adulthood to having a baby alone at almost 24 her dad walked away from it all before she was born. she taught me what unconditional love was all about, so she's my soft spot. she knows it too.

    yet your all right she isnt' living in the street or hooking this mom whose taking her in is anutcase yet she'll have shelter and food and therapy supplied by us. not a bad deal. i have to work on clearing up my guilt once i accomplish that ill be just fine. husband got so mad at her last night for leaving difficult child hanging like that, he was cursing screaming carrying on thank god kids werent' home lol. another quarter into the therapy jar for them! :)

    you know what though this may bite, yet i dont' regret the whole mom thing, having them, her and i have had so many good times together she's taught me alot and hopefully i've instilled some good things in her and she'll pull those out of the mom bag once she guts her junk out. i tend to get better with each kid though, lol. i'll be that much stronger for difficult child inher teen years.

    i sat today and thought of all the things i won't miss, her stealing my stuff, clothes, jewelry basically anything she likes she takes, the smell of her room and food everywhere, walking on eggshells not knowing when she'll blow, sitting ea. night worrying where she is, calling cops, her name calling me and insulting me yelling at difficult child. those are the things i wont' miss and will help our home get healthier. it's soo time for my husband and i to realize we actually did get married 9 mos ago and start to maybe enjoy that and stop beating eachother up, for difficult child to continue doing so incredibly well with all these realizations she's having about her dad, what anxiety is, etc. her intelligence and insightfulness at 12 astounds me and the therapist. maybe my dogs will calm down too, they have been on edge past 2 weeks something awful. our big guy hates conflict yes he's my difficult child dog lol. big anxiety guy.

    ok i'm rambling........... hopefully in a coherent way :)

    haozi how do you see him if he lives there?? that's a big rough. had a feeling when i saw the pics i thought yea he's canadian! lol
  20. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hey DDD we were wrong. she made her 2 o'clock cut off she called and said she'll be here by 4:30 to get her stuff out. so please dont' put outside. i said no problem.