Glad to be the Bad Guy

[Jeppy]

difficult child had a friend who was trying to get him to go out with some other kids this weekend. difficult child told me that there would likely be drugs there and would I please forbid him from going because he didn't want to say no himself.

He acted out the whole thing when the friend came by, whining, complaining, slamming doors, etc. but I consistently said no and he did say home.

I was happy to be the "bad guy" for him so he could save face with his friends. I just hope when he gets older he'll be able to do this himself since I won't always be around.

 

[maril]

It is great that your child has come to you for support and wants to back away from the drug users! My difficult child has had a very difficult time with peer pressure and is working on saying no to peers; at times, he has enlisted my help. He is older than your son, however, (in some ways) seems less mature than his chronological age. He has the added support of counselors and an involved PO...is rehabbing, etc.

Thank goodness they feel comfortable to seek us out for help...

 

[susiestar]

It sounds like your son has a pretty strong sense of his limitations right now. If you keep supporting him this way things can and probably will get better.

My own parents gave me all the support I wanted to use them as the bad guy. From late elementary school I was allowed to tell anyone that I was not allowed to do something because my parents said so. Of course this did NOT apply to school, church (went to a Catholic school so they were the same thing pretty much).

I even used it when they were not anywhere else. "My parents would KILL me if I did that. Sorry. My mom and dad ALWAYS find out, and it can get really ugly for me."

I even used it to get transferred out of the science class taught by a guy who exerted NO discipline and did nothing but read in a monotone until test time - when he would yell and scream and throw the desks around while you were sitting at them! The other teacher did experiments and dissection and I was geekily interested. So I got them to change my class.

I even would use it through college at times - even when I was at school 8 hours away from home.

It helped that they backed me up and that we were really close.

Use the bond that lets your difficult child ask for this. Maybe set up a secret signal or codeword that would let you know if he doesn't want to do something or that he wants to avoid something.

I am glad you are close enough your difficult child could ASK for this. It says good things about your relationship. And about difficult child's awareness of his boundaries.

And, if possible, give the kid a reward for stepping up this way.

 

[crazymama30]

Wow. That is great. I really like how he acted it out, that must have been great. Good job difficult child for making a good decision, and good job to you for being the "bad guy"

 

[Andy]

Great job! I really think that sometimes when our kids do the whining and complaining they are just putting on a show for their friends. It would be nice to know that it was all the time but most likely not.

Your difficult child is so lucky to have you in his life helping to keep him safe.

 

[Marguerite]

easy child did the same thing at about the same age. She didn't even act it out for thebenefit of an observer; sometimes she just asked me to forbid (going to a party/sleepover where there would be boys) when I had been about to let her go. Then she got on the phone to her friend and said, "I'm sorry, Mum won't let me go." No tears or tantrums about it (alhough she is a good actress!) - she just needed my assurance that her judgement was OK. She just wanted to be able to blame me rather than tell her friends she was the one who felt uncomfortable about it.

It was the beginning of her own developing self-confidence in her own judgement. Now - she is amazingly self-confident (has to be in her job) and is the sort of person people come to for advice.

It is a wonderful early sign of the responsible person he is going to become.

Are you SURE he's ODD? It's often misdiagnosed, or labelled inappropriately. Kids behaving badly at times and seeming very wiful isn't necessarily ODD. Sometimes it's just a kid who is very controlling and strong willed, they respond amazingly to different methods (see "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene).

Marg

 

[Jeppy]

Marg,

Yes, I'm pretty sure he's ODD, as is the counselor (we finally found a good one after years) but he's going to be seeing a child psychiatrist for further evaluation. We have had many problems at home, school (multiple expulsions) and involvement in criminal justice system. So I was happy for this bright moment.