Glad to find this site

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Deja, May 1, 2012.

  1. Deja

    Deja New Member

    Yes, we too told my son to leave the house. We gave him a month to find a place. He had options but apparently they were not acceptable to him. Where is he now? I don't know, but from reading other posts and responses, he probably is okay. He's 20, 21 in next month.
    What I haven't figured out is how to get through my day. How to hide the tears. To stop thinking about the what-ifs.
    A therapist, but the right one. Not the one I saw recently, who specializes in troubled kids and families. He likes to talk about " back in the day"....
    I need to talk about how I feel, and what is likely to happen to my son.
    I know we did the right thing. As his brother said to me: He will now be welcomed to reality.
  2. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Welcome to the board. You will find lots of support here from a wonderful group of people. I have been helped tremendously. I don't have any advice for you about coping after sending a difficult child out of your home but I'm sure someone else will be along with experience and advice on that. My difficult child is still at home and has been borderline of being thrown out of our home a few times. Right now he is doing a lot better and I am keeping my fingers crossed.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    His brother is pretty wise for one so young. And it's very true.

    Welcome to the board. :)

    Detachment is a process that is learned. You start by reminding yourself that his choices are not your choices. You begin to shift focus off of him and back into other areas of your life and other loved ones. Maybe finding some new interests will help, or rediscovering old ones. Spend time with other family members. Do things that make YOU happy.

    It's not so easy at first. But it does get better with practice, and easier. We worry because we're Mom's and that is what we do. But their is a difference between mom worry and letting it take over your life and make you miserable.

    If this therapist isn't listening and giving you want you need, you need a new one. You don't always get a good "fit" the first time around.

    Instead of worrying myself sick over katie and the kids, I remind myself when I'm about to head down that road that she is an adult responsible for her own life/decisions and I have no control over it. Then i make myself let it go. Personally? I have enough of my own problems to worry about without tacking hers onto mine. If necessary I'll distract myself with cleaning, crocheting, gardening.....enjoying the other grandkids and get the idea. Enough of that and it stops being something to think about every moment of the day, then not every day, then not every week. Now? I don't think about her much at all. Somewhere deep I still worry, and I certainly still love her and the kids, but I've had to let it go because there is simply nothing I can do to change it. If she ever gets her act together....or at the very least can manage a real apology....I'm here and she knows it. In the meantime, life continues to go on.

  4. Deja

    Deja New Member

    Thank you so much. I will try to refocus on self, and get back to daily prayer in order to let go. There have been times I did not have the strength even to do that! There's always lots to do (like laundry, and then there's laundry...), places to go (free events and the like), people to see (connecting with old friends). Today starts a new day.
  5. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Deja, It is extremely hard! I think the crying is part of the process of letting go, and I can totally relate to no energy. Start some kind of exercise program and MAKE yourself focus on something other than the problem. Slowly you will start to notice a change in YOU as YOU are the only one you can change.

    I also had a difficult time finding a good counselor. Some of them seem to be having a difficult time themselves and probably need to be in therapy lol!!!

    This free online book is one that helped me. The author is a family therapist and can't 'fix' her own son. There are some really good books out now and they have good advice.

    (((blessings for us all)))
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest


    It is very very hard to kick a son out of the house and not know where they are or what they are doing. You don't tell us what led you to that decision (I am sure you had very good reason). If part of the issue is drugs or alcohol then i recommend finding a good parents alanon group. That has helped me immensely.... and if that is an issue check out the subtance abuse board too.

    In the last couple of months we have had to let our son (also age 20) be homeless and give him no money, nothing. It was so hard to do. Really except for having a child die I don't think there is anything much worse than having to let your child be homeless. Breaks your heart.

    I am glad to say my son did get himself back to an inpatient program (which yes we are paying for) so at least for now I am sleeping well at night.

    I think though it is a process and there are ups and downs. The main thing is to take care of yourself, find things you enjoy doing and try to do them. And I know for me it helped me when I got to the point where I felt determined not to let my son ruin MY life.

  7. Deja

    Deja New Member

    I haven't figured out all of the abbreviations, I need to spend more time looking around. My 20-YO has had a difficult time from Day 1. No kidding. There was never any bonding when breastfeeding. His eyes were always away from mine. At age 3, I had him enrolled in a pre-school program for difficult children. And on it went. As most, I tried everything. The last couple of years in HS were spent in an alternative school, but he did get his diploma. I really don't know what the real problem is, but huge rage is a part. The last straw was the last party. There have been many, always with damage. He was not interested in a full time job, very interested in the $20/ day (at least) I was giving him, interested in the gas money, interested in drinking and pot (favorite pasttimes) and I think other things, but I am not sure. To some, I have it easy. The horror stories I've heard are so sad. But I am too old to continue working 2 jobs to pay for his fun time. I began to feel like I was under house arrest, not being able to travel for fear of the enevitable outcome. Do I love my son? Of course! I even wrote him a full page letter telling him all the things I love about him. But he needed to get off my tit, and figure out how to be responsible.