Going to the circus

[Malika]

One of my main struggles - maybe the only one, in a sense - in being a parent to this little boy is accepting that he is the way he is. I have come to recognise a simple equation: want or expect him to be like all the "normal" kids: stress and misery; accept him as he is in his difference: peace of mind and greater harmony of relationship. Yet still sometimes I kick against the way things are...
Tonight after school I took J. to the visiting circus in a local town. Forget Barnum - this was a tiny, pleasantly amateurish affair with a juggler who kept dropping the balls and a sad looking miniature pony standing on a makeshift see-saw (you probably call it something else in the States An audience of 50 or so people, mostly children of course. Anyway at first J is sitting quietly beside me, for 10 or 15 minutes, just looking at everything with a serious expression on his face and I can feel myself being lulled into my fantasy/hope/desire - oh, there's nothing "wrong" at all, he's growing up, he's getting so calm and good. Etc, etc. Then he starts moving about a bit, changing chairs, no disturbance to anyone, fine. But then... he starts racing round the arena, back and forth, shouting something or other (no-one really noticed; it was all drowned out by the sound of the circus) and then frantically jumping up and down as he watched the clowns, roaring with laughter, his whole body wired and alive with movement... I saw a couple of adults looking at him oddly, with perplexed expressions on their faces. And I feel myself getting a bit stressed, a bit tense, worried he will "do something", wishing he would just sit down like all the other children.... and afterwards I get cross with him when he doesn't listen to me for something and I know partly it's because of my earlier frustration, disappointment, whatever small-minded and essentially self-concerned thing it was I was feeling...
And really the other half of me, the better half, just saw a little boy full of zest for life and energy having a wonderful time and expressing it in a particularly exuberant way... I would like to be bigger than my concern for what other people think... I guess it is a learning process...

 

[nvts]

Malika - soft gentle hugs for you. None of us is immune to being embarrassed. It's a natural feeling. Meltdowns, unusual exhuberance, defiance - it doesn't matter - they can and will embarrass us. When mine do it, it keep chanting in my head "square peg, round hole - my kids were made to break the mold". It keeps me from over-reacting.

Don't beat yourself up for a feeling. It's natural.

Beth

 

[HaoZi]

Whether you have PCs or difficult children, no one can mortify you faster than your own kids. It's like a law of the universe or something.

 

[Malika]

Thanks, Beth and HaoZi. Yes, feeling embarrassed is natural... but the thing is, it's going to happen all the time with my son because he IS so often different in the way he is and behaves that I have to find my peace and acceptance with it... because I don't want to be stressed and embarrassed all the time! And SOME of the problem does come from me, from my own nature which is rather reserved and "private", not expansive and open like his... Eg we recently went to the UK for a few days. In the airport at one point, J was rushing out at people coming out through a corridor, laughing and pretending to be a monster; I was mortified and wanted him to stop... but in fact almost everyone he did it to started laughing and playing along... they didn't mind. Just I was suffering I definitely need to "chill" with J... have taken big strides in that direction but you know... I think it's also about picking battles. If he is not actually disturbing or hurting anyone, I should let the behaviour slip...
Hey, ho!

 

[JJJ]

I think most of us have those emotions. I know that I do. I bought Tigger lots of shirts from Special Olympics (I was able to get previous years ones for $2 each!) and if we are going somewhere that I know he will act like that and I will feel stressed about it, I dress him in one of those shirts. People are usually much more tolerant of a child who is clearly labeled "special". As he gets older, I expect him to resist wearing anything that mentions any disability (Eeyore won't anymore). But as he gets older, his behavior is less 'odd' as well.

 

[Malika]

Thanks JJJ.
I think for me there is an opportunity here to view things with a different eye, to try to move beyond rigid social norms to see something wider and more loving underneath... What I mean is this... sometimes J's behaviour (and I guess that of children "like him", whoever they are!) is annoying and innapropriate but sometimes it is just him giving expression to the great energy and joie de vivre that lies within him... at the airport, for example, he gave a moment of playfulness and laughter to some people; at the circus, as well as the people looking at him oddly, I also saw one woman looking at him with a kind of admiring delight on her face. He was the very incarnation of childlike joy and exuberance... slightly larger than life... but, as long as he expresses himself within certain limits, he does have the "right" to be as he is and he can feel a sense of celebration about that... he is not just a "problem"!! My task is to be able to have the courage and love to see that also, not be afraid all the time of What Others Will Think... in this sense, he is a gift to me also.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Oh, Malika! I know that feeling so well. I was always amazed at my boys' ability to personify the sheer joy and exuberance of seeing the world through the eyes of a child. We had a similar episode at the circus as well. The boys were about 4 y.o., difficult child 2 loved elephants and was jumping up and down, standing on my lap. The man-jerk behind me told me to make him sit down. I felt like killing him.

 

[HaoZi]

I think most of us have those emotions. I know that I do. I bought Tigger lots of shirts from Special Olympics (I was able to get previous years ones for $2 each!) and if we are going somewhere that I know he will act like that and I will feel stressed about it, I dress him in one of those shirts. People are usually much more tolerant of a child who is clearly labeled "special". As he gets older, I expect him to resist wearing anything that mentions any disability (Eeyore won't anymore). But as he gets older, his behavior is less 'odd' as well.

I had to laugh at that. I'd never be able to get Kiddo to wear one of those.

 

[ThreeShadows]

My sons would have been called "dunces" when I was growing up.

I love this poem by Jacques Prévert:

The Dunce

He says no with his head
but he says yes with his heart
he says yes to what he loves
he says no to the teacher
he stands
he is questioned
and all the problems are posed
sudden laughter seizes him
and he erases all
the words and figures
names and dates
sentences and snares
and despite the teacher's threats
to the jeers of infant prodigies
with chalk of every colour
on the blackboard of misfortune
he draws the face of happiness.

 

[ThreeShadows]

French version:


Le cancre

Il dit non avec la tête
Mais il dit oui avec le coeur
Il dit oui à ce qu'il aime
Il dit non au professeur
Il est debout
On le questionne
Et tous les problèmes sont posés
Soudain le fou rire le prend
Et il efface tout
Les chiffres et les mots
Les dates et les noms
Les phrases et les pièges
Et malgré les menaces du maître
Sous les huées des enfants prodiges
Avec des craies de toutes les couleurs
Sur le tableau noir du malheur
Il dessine le visage du bonheur.​