Gone for a long time, now back, need support! (Very long)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Terryforvols, Jan 31, 2010.

  1. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    I came back yesterday and saw I hadn't been here since 10/08, which was great! But it is true, good doesn't last forever. I will try to make it short, as best I can, but....

    difficult child had a beautiful baby girl on 03/26/08 in TX. She was still in school and went back in June 2008 or so. Due to my job, and good plane prices, I have been able to visit there every few months and she came here on school breaks. It was decided that in spring 2009 she needed to stop school and work for awhile due to finances, great. In the meantime, since 11/08, difficult child and all our family had suffered both father in law and mother in law being diagnosed with CA (although after having a kidney removed, mother in law was benign, but father in law lung CA that responded wonderfully to chemo and radiation). Her other living GM, my stepmom, died within 6-8 weeks of being diagnosed with Stage 4 lung and liver CA. All these people live in TN and difficult child is/was very close to all of them. Her husband's GM died in 04/09, who she also loved. Her marriage has been a disaster since the beginning, and while she was visiting here in May 2009, her husband had an affair with the BEST FRIEND she had there and gave her herpes (I have been to the MD with her and heard that diagnosis since). See what could be setting up here??? with a person who had a prescripition pain pill addiction??? Anyway, difficult child got a job as a teacher assistant in a private school. We were so proud of her, but knew when they did a background check, it could be off. I went to TX from 10/16-11/6 to give them 3 weeks of no childcare expenses and mostly to spend time with difficult child and my precious, precious granddaughter. While there, a lot of red flags went up, but were easily explained away.

    On 12/3/09, we are informed that difficult child has had no job since August when she left a PT job at a local store. Her background check returned back and she was let go. Instead of admitting it and getting another job, she acted daily from that time forward that she was going to work!!!! She began writing bad checks on husband's acct (who knew, but didn't take checks away, figure that out -- he is an idiot). While I was there, she left every day like she was going to work, came home, and other than one brief episode where I told husband on phone that if I didn't know better, I would swear she didn't have a job, everything could be excused away. They were served with eviction papers while I was there that I had to sign for, a first for me, but again explained away by a "lost" money order that I saw copy of. difficult child and mother in law are on lease, which is how all this came out. mother in law and father in law had to put up $3000 to catch up rent because of difficult child's lies (they are trying to sell their house and can't have eviction on their record). She has written over $3200 in bad checks, plus had relapsed on pills where some of the $$ went, the rest went to groceries, bills, etc. She racked up $38,000 in hospital bills from ERs getting pills (what she was doing all day). Of course, we had bought $672 worth of nontransferrable, nonrefundable plane tix for them to come home at Christmas, WHEN THEY BOTH KNEW THE SITUATION!! Then, of course, we need to go down to talk with mother in law and father in law and leave our 27-year-old son (who no longer speaks to his sister, but that is not my problem to work out) Christmas a.m. and return NYD (very cheap tix!!, but still!) On top of all this, I find out while I am there in October that she is pregnant, but when we return for Christmas she has miscarried and NOT TOLD HER HUSBAND!! She was far enough along that supposedly he had felt baby move, and looked absolutely totally different at Christmas, I don't buy husband didn't know, but boy he played the victim real well. I was livid when I found that out Christmas day, but was relieved because these two can barely support one child, with two they would have been destitute!! But hubby lies to his mom (mother in law) and she thinks they have a great marriage! difficult child had been a wonderful mom to this point, and except for putting the baby at risk while pill seeking x 3 months, has been the only stable parent she knows. Hubby goes out and drinks a lot (including when I spent 3 weeks there after baby's birth. He went out all the time and came home drunk). Long story by itself.

    I read the Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children book and at first felt determined to do nothing for her. After our discussion with mother in law and father in law, we realized how much mother in law lies, especially after things that were said to our face while there and then as soon as we are gone, that difficult child is truly alone with no support. She went into detox while we were there at Christmas, and goes into a 28-day state paid program (no insurance) on 02/08/10. Her hubby refuses to make calls for her when she is gone, although her lawyer (yes, we have paid a minimal amount for a lawyer) has asked calls be made. When she goes into rehab, or possibly jail, he will not get her mail, make phone calls, etc. He has a right to be mad, absolutely, but marriage is for better/worse, sickness/health. Her behavior in being able to carry off no job x 3 months and SLEEP at night shows how messed up her mind is. Either the pills fuel that or that fuels the pills, anyway she is very sick. She is disappointed with herself, and there is absolutely no excuse for any of this at all, but the thought of her trying to do the right thing (albeit a little late) without any support breaks my heart. mother in law took baby to MD the other day and didn't bother to offer to pick up difficult child and let her go too, but on weekends when hubby wants to leave, difficult child is fine to take care of baby out of convenience. She is not on pills now and is fine, and baby is in daycare 3 days/week. I know the family is going to do something as soon as difficult child gone, but if hubby tries to get sole custody, H*** will freeze over first. As much as I don't trust them, I know baby is safe with mother in law and father in law, although they live in a different reality (buy every word that comes out of son's mouth -- we always try our best to research difficult child's stories, and until recently, they all checked out!!) Bottom line, after almost 2 years of wonderful parenting and a horrible 3-month screw up, to say the least, she is still the baby's mom and deserves to be at least included in discussions about what is best for baby. As much as I don't like hubby, he bottom line is baby's dad and any decision should include both and that doesn't happen.

    Anyway, we are trying to help her pay or set up payment arrangements, the best we can without hurting ourselves. We know we have to protect ourselves first, but she does have no one there who cares, other than saying it to our face then doing whatever they want. I was on their side until the day after we all talked and the lies began the very next day. We don't want to enable again, but help her when she can't help herself when gone by making calls, etc., hubby won't. Thoughts????????
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Whew! Well, first off...Welcome back! I dont remember you being here in October 08 but thats ok because I dont remember that fall at all! I took sick leave...lol. Or was it leave of my senses, hmmm...one of the two!

    I am so sorry your dtr is going through so much right now...and hence, you! Sounds like an almighty mess. Its always so hard on us as parents when there is a grandchild involved. I can only imagine what you are going through. Sounds like the other side is a real piece of work. Thats a shame.

    I hope you can figure this out and your dtr can get back on track soon without too much of a disaster happening to her. She was doing so well.
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Terry I posted earlier but it seems to have disappeared. I am sorry you are going throught all this caos again. I agree that you daughter needs support Hard not to rush in and help and with grands in the mix it is heartbreaking. -RM
  4. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    Thanks for responding. We are just trying to manuever that fine line between helping and enabling. mother in law enables difficult child husband, denies he still goes out and drinks, etc., even though while we were there and difficult child in detox he went out NY Eve and didn't get home till 2:00-3:00 of course told husband he "wasn't drunk". Right!! difficult child has created this huge mess, but her mental condition is worse than when we admitted her to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in 03/05. She had stopped all antidepressants, therapy, etc., because of $$ issues. Her hubby "allowed" her to go back to her therapist this week and she is back on Celexa and low-dose Adderall, which she needs to take to the 28-day program because they are just a substance abuse program. She has been approved for 28 days, but if I understand it, they can approve longer stays based on her improvement. My fear is that her daughter's 2nd B-day occurs in March, and she will not want to be an inpt then, so there is a strong possibility that she could play the game rather than do what is best. Those difficult children just seem to be able to look 5 secs ahead, rather than 5 years. Missing 1 birthday is worth the healing that is needed to enjoy future B-days!!

    Anyway, we are just torn between saving her and letting it all happen. Even by helping with her checks, there is a strong chance criminal chgs will be placed and she may get some jail time, though hopefully probation with a stipulation that she needs to go to a mental health facility for x amount of time. Her lawyer says probation is her best option for that because TX would rather punish than rehabilitate. I don't want her to not face consequences, but just straight punishment is not all she needs. We are 52 years old and buried in debt, trying to rebuild our retirement from putting her in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in 2005, and are not willing to ruin our lives this time. At least this time, husband and I are on the same page, which we weren't with her initial drug use in early 2000s. In fact, our marriage is probably the best it has been in ages, but this has torn us both up.
  5. judi

    judi Active Member

    Terry - I remember you and am so sorry things are in an uproar again!

    My difficult child has a child now too and that is where we focus our energy. Is your grandchild safe?

    Its so hard when these kids grow up, have kids of their own and still aren't responsible. I hope that she takes advantage of this opportunity.
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hi Terry,
    You are in quite a tough situation. We can't work harder than our difficult child's to help them in their lives. I think Judi really makes a point of focusing your energy on safety and welfare of the baby.
    We also have gotten to the point of not depleting our retirement for difficult child's programs that he doesn't really work but it's difficult to watch them just tread water and see their lives passing by. I'm an action oriented person and being disengaged is difficult. Fortunately or unfortunately, husband is resolved to not invest more money without difficult child being an active participant. difficult child has to take some initiative to change his life. We aren't really seeing that at present. It's a worry.
    I know you, like all of us, hope for the prodigal son/daughter to return but we are all trying to have a full life and not one that revolves around difficult child's drama. Hugs. I'm sure you will resolve to do the right thing for all parties involved but mostly your new grand daughter.