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Family of Origin
Good article on how to stop being family scapegoat...Confused, Cedar, you may like it too.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 653701" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Well, no matter how enlightened about your situation you become, there still might be triggers that are mild setbacks. I am reading about scape-going in the family and, man, that fits me more than any other label ever did. Scapegoating even causes the scapegoated to sometimes get so frustrated, they fight back in anger with words they later regret, but it does make sense. Rational words don't help anyway if you are the scapegoat. And the scapegoat is ALWAYS baited and then blamed.</p><p></p><p>I recall when my beloved grandmother, who gave me all the love I had, passed away and for some reason we were sitting in her apartment...all five of us (thankfully, there were hardly any of us). My son was a young boy at the time and was touching things and my mom kept yelling at him to stop. There was no reason for her to do that in the way she did. Finally, due to my own mental illness (mood disorder), intense, unexplainable grief, and realization that my son was being picked on simply because he was my son, I had a meltdown, think I yelled at them, and left and went straight to a CODA meeting.</p><p></p><p>That's what family does to the scapegoat, who is usually more vulnerable, more sensitive, more emotional and has a bigger heart than the other family members. It was a bait, which was always worse when mean mother was sad, angry, out of control and in charge of the family roost. A nicer, kinder grandmother may have seen a little boy who knows something bad happened and doesn't understand and maybe take him on her lap and cuddle him. Um, not my mom.</p><p></p><p>Now if my relatives read this, they would say it never happened. That's gaslighting or else maybe just their own selective memory...all they remember is my outburst, not the why of it and withou the compassion that my grief was so deep. I know they all missed Grandma, but I didn't see tears or sadness expressed. Nope. You don't do that in my family of origin. So it goes.</p><p></p><p>I am doing my best to read, read, read, learn, learn, learn so that I can stop the many voices of my small by very dysfunctional family that tell me I am "bad" or "evil" or "borderline" or "ABCDEF." Once you understand the need of a scapegoat in a sick family, it is easier to feel good about yourself and to just shrug off the nonsense of those still playing the game.</p><p></p><p>I do wish you luck and I'm sorry you had a bad family experience. It's true that our childhood does follow us around all our lives, but we can counter the negative thoughts if we learn how and most importantly WHY we were the one treated like dirt <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 653701, member: 1550"] Well, no matter how enlightened about your situation you become, there still might be triggers that are mild setbacks. I am reading about scape-going in the family and, man, that fits me more than any other label ever did. Scapegoating even causes the scapegoated to sometimes get so frustrated, they fight back in anger with words they later regret, but it does make sense. Rational words don't help anyway if you are the scapegoat. And the scapegoat is ALWAYS baited and then blamed. I recall when my beloved grandmother, who gave me all the love I had, passed away and for some reason we were sitting in her apartment...all five of us (thankfully, there were hardly any of us). My son was a young boy at the time and was touching things and my mom kept yelling at him to stop. There was no reason for her to do that in the way she did. Finally, due to my own mental illness (mood disorder), intense, unexplainable grief, and realization that my son was being picked on simply because he was my son, I had a meltdown, think I yelled at them, and left and went straight to a CODA meeting. That's what family does to the scapegoat, who is usually more vulnerable, more sensitive, more emotional and has a bigger heart than the other family members. It was a bait, which was always worse when mean mother was sad, angry, out of control and in charge of the family roost. A nicer, kinder grandmother may have seen a little boy who knows something bad happened and doesn't understand and maybe take him on her lap and cuddle him. Um, not my mom. Now if my relatives read this, they would say it never happened. That's gaslighting or else maybe just their own selective memory...all they remember is my outburst, not the why of it and withou the compassion that my grief was so deep. I know they all missed Grandma, but I didn't see tears or sadness expressed. Nope. You don't do that in my family of origin. So it goes. I am doing my best to read, read, read, learn, learn, learn so that I can stop the many voices of my small by very dysfunctional family that tell me I am "bad" or "evil" or "borderline" or "ABCDEF." Once you understand the need of a scapegoat in a sick family, it is easier to feel good about yourself and to just shrug off the nonsense of those still playing the game. I do wish you luck and I'm sorry you had a bad family experience. It's true that our childhood does follow us around all our lives, but we can counter the negative thoughts if we learn how and most importantly WHY we were the one treated like dirt ;) [/QUOTE]
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Good article on how to stop being family scapegoat...Confused, Cedar, you may like it too.
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