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Substance Abuse
Good girl (on the road to) gone bad
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 697962" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I guess the response needs to be based on how big a deal you think her behavior is. I have always been a stickler for safety rules and breaking those got the biggest consequences in our home. I would probably end life as she knows it if she were my daughter. The drug use is a major issue for me, and sneaking out in the dark is a close 2nd.</p><p></p><p>Personally, I would plan very logical consequences for her, and some might be creative. My mother used to use much creativity when disciplining my brother and I. The more creative she got, the more memorable the consequences and the more I would do to avoid them in the future. A big part of the problems going forward are going to be to get the rest of the family to go along with your consequences for your daughter. That can get tricky, esp with grandparents who only see their little angel when they look at her.</p><p></p><p>I strongly suggest the book, "Raising Your Teen with Love & Logic" to help you with figuring out a plan and some enforceable consequences. It also might help get your parents to cooperate more with the plan that you come up with. Know that it will be important for the grandparents to cooperate because if your daughter can triangulate so that it is you against your parents, she has a whole heck of a lot more room to do what she wants.</p><p></p><p>You are NOT required to provide many of the things that most kids think are 'crucial' to having a good life. She needs clothing, but not clothing she really wants to wear. She needs a mattress, sheets, a blanket, a pillow and a light in her room. She does not need games, stuffed animals, electronics, or probably 95% of what is in her room. You are well within your rights to go and take it ALL out of there. She needs food, but not food she likes, just nutritious, healthy food. I always felt that books were a basic human right, so unless a book had inappropriate content, I didn't take those away from my kids. There were times that I took a large portion of the fiction they preferred away, but usually that was for refusing to do school work because they would rather read instead. </p><p></p><p>Between the drug use and the sneaking out, that girl would lose much of her possessions and privileges until she made safer choices if she were mine. There would be a list of chores that she would be getting up early to complete each day. I would start with the chores I most hated for the first ones for her. If I have to go through the hassle of making you do chores, well, I can at least make it chores that I don't want to do. Making her do the chores is enough extra work, it is only fair that she take the ones you dislike off of your hands. It isn't like she is going to be happy to do them anyway, Know what I mean?? </p><p></p><p>One thing that we did when my kids were younger was give them each one, and ONLY one, item that would not EVER be taken away as a punishment. My oldest had a stuffed bear, my other 2 each had a special blanket. These items were something they used to calm themselves when they were upset. I always thought that each of us should have one item like that. </p><p></p><p>I hope you find some of these ideas helpful. Trust your instincts when it comes to your daughter. I have yet to find that it was a mistake to trust those instincts. The biggest parenting mistakes that I made always were related to not trusting my instincts. Even when it made me mean or unpopular, it always worked out for the best if I stuck with the instincts and NOT the arguments of my husband or even my parents.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 697962, member: 1233"] I guess the response needs to be based on how big a deal you think her behavior is. I have always been a stickler for safety rules and breaking those got the biggest consequences in our home. I would probably end life as she knows it if she were my daughter. The drug use is a major issue for me, and sneaking out in the dark is a close 2nd. Personally, I would plan very logical consequences for her, and some might be creative. My mother used to use much creativity when disciplining my brother and I. The more creative she got, the more memorable the consequences and the more I would do to avoid them in the future. A big part of the problems going forward are going to be to get the rest of the family to go along with your consequences for your daughter. That can get tricky, esp with grandparents who only see their little angel when they look at her. I strongly suggest the book, "Raising Your Teen with Love & Logic" to help you with figuring out a plan and some enforceable consequences. It also might help get your parents to cooperate more with the plan that you come up with. Know that it will be important for the grandparents to cooperate because if your daughter can triangulate so that it is you against your parents, she has a whole heck of a lot more room to do what she wants. You are NOT required to provide many of the things that most kids think are 'crucial' to having a good life. She needs clothing, but not clothing she really wants to wear. She needs a mattress, sheets, a blanket, a pillow and a light in her room. She does not need games, stuffed animals, electronics, or probably 95% of what is in her room. You are well within your rights to go and take it ALL out of there. She needs food, but not food she likes, just nutritious, healthy food. I always felt that books were a basic human right, so unless a book had inappropriate content, I didn't take those away from my kids. There were times that I took a large portion of the fiction they preferred away, but usually that was for refusing to do school work because they would rather read instead. Between the drug use and the sneaking out, that girl would lose much of her possessions and privileges until she made safer choices if she were mine. There would be a list of chores that she would be getting up early to complete each day. I would start with the chores I most hated for the first ones for her. If I have to go through the hassle of making you do chores, well, I can at least make it chores that I don't want to do. Making her do the chores is enough extra work, it is only fair that she take the ones you dislike off of your hands. It isn't like she is going to be happy to do them anyway, Know what I mean?? One thing that we did when my kids were younger was give them each one, and ONLY one, item that would not EVER be taken away as a punishment. My oldest had a stuffed bear, my other 2 each had a special blanket. These items were something they used to calm themselves when they were upset. I always thought that each of us should have one item like that. I hope you find some of these ideas helpful. Trust your instincts when it comes to your daughter. I have yet to find that it was a mistake to trust those instincts. The biggest parenting mistakes that I made always were related to not trusting my instincts. Even when it made me mean or unpopular, it always worked out for the best if I stuck with the instincts and NOT the arguments of my husband or even my parents. [/QUOTE]
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Good girl (on the road to) gone bad
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