hi to all it's beautiful out here in new york. sunny and actually seems to be warm. so i've noticed something that ofcourse i had to post...lol...... i think i'm in denial over little difficult child. only conclusion i can come to regarding my attitude towards her, and what's going on with her. i like most of us have gone to many different pyschdoc's for 2nd and 3rd opinions which is normal i;'m guessing. yet i think i'm in denial. i always thought denial was when one didnt' do anything hence didn't believe there was a problem. i'm realizing i keep looking for signs now that she's off yet another medication to see hey can she be off medication's totally? can she handle her world without them?? can I be a better more patient parent and be able to tolerate the swings and the oppositional behavior at the simplist no??? i mean she went from birth till almost 8 with no medications'. i think family and ex husband's (not sure how to abbreviate that one) lol listening to them sways my thoughts alot. i listen to my mom say i just don't get it she's great here. i listen to ex say i just don't get it she's great with me. my response to them is such........you have her duringa time in which there is no pressure no time or routine in place to keep. she's able to eat what she wants, do what she wants go to sleep when she wants and she functions better in that atmosphere. yet real life is routines, and schedules, and responsiblity even for a difficult child of 8. tests in school, h.w. etc. she does fair alot better with-no pressure whatsoever. and she is able to control her rages i guess they are the anger thing with other family members when a no is thrown out. which confuses me. so with all that being said i think i am in denial. watching her this weekend with no sleep for most part even though drugged her last night opened my eyes yet again to the ongoing problem. strange thing is she's making tons of friends this past few days in school in this state she's in. she hasn't really connected with anyone when thsi all hit in november. now she's talking it up with everyone. still won't eat lunch in lunchroom becuase she's afraid people are looking at her, or eat snack people are looking at her. that isn't cool needs food for that little body. anyway i'm getting off topic as i usually do. so i'm working through this mental block i seem to have regarding her. i think once i work through it i will be much more effective in assisting her with this. i'm doign best i can right now i have as i said always turned every stone over so to speak regarding diagnosis's. i mentioned it to my pysch last week in session. i said i have this mental block. then she said "does it upset you your daughter has a mental illness?" wooo those words hit me like a ton of bricks. then she said the standard "how did that make you feel?" dont' ya just love it when they say that?? lol anyway if anyone else has this denial state going on i'd love to hear how you made it thru the block? as i said and many of you know i am a full time advocate for little difficult child regarding getting proper diagnosis and stuff. yet i'd love to truly be able to accept this instead of doubting it and myself as of late. thanks for letting me ramble yet again on a sunday a.m.