Good news and Bad news.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jody, May 13, 2011.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Boy am I glad that I have you guys to share my news with. For the good news, I went to the hematologist yesterday. My blood test are within the normal range again. I am so glad. I am having more energy and am starting to feel better. I had a bone marrow biopsy a couple of months ago and the test was good for no cancer. doctors. think that I was under so much stress with difficult child that my health just plummeted from too much. The bad news and I am not so sure what kind of news it really is. difficult child is in fostercare and she loves her foster home. She doesn't really want to come home. She told me today. I have to say that I was a little hurt but also a little relieved. I know she's gonna have to come home anyway and they are talking like in a couple of months, longer if I need it. I love her foster parents too. If I could pick a set of parents for her it would be them. Foster parents are moving into a really nice big house this weekend and she has opted to stay at home and help them get moved instead of coming home. I can have her whenever I want to go get her so that's not a problem. It still bites to hear it though. I have gone through so much with her and given so much and then she tells me she doesn't really want to come home. Ugh, Gfgness never ends, somehow it goes on and on. Because my visitation is so liberal, and she lives so close, (couple of blocks), I wonder if that is part of the problem. We never miss each other and talk 5-10xs a day. We get the best of both worlds, I guess. Our time away and time together. When I became a mother, I never saw myself feeling this way or having things turn out this way. With easy child I was almost a perfect mom, then came my difficult child and everything went haywire. Things were just never the same again. I was never the same again. Today, I just feel like I suck as a parent. Goodness that can feel pretty bad when all you wanted was to be a good mommy. Okay, maybe when I get home and get outside with dog, I'll feel better. For you out there that have grown difficult child's do they remember the good times or only the bad times. Are they mad at you when they get older, or since they are difficult child's does it all continue? DO they ever except any responsibility for how things turned out???
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Hon, you are a good parent.

    As for the fosters, it's wonderful she has a nice set of foster parents. But in all honesty? She's living the honeymoon phase. It's all new and wonderful and yadda yadda yadda. This too shall pass. There will come a point when the honeymoon wears off and they won't seem so wonderful to her anymore.

    Meanwhile, enjoy your break and recuperate.

    And in answer to do they ever accept responsibility? Yes, they can and do. It is possible.

  3. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Hound Dog. Thank you so much.
  4. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    We had a lot of bad things going on at home when my kids were teenagers, lots of conflict, lots of chaos. My then husband was an abusive, alcoholic womanizer who tried to turn both kids against me and did his best to convince them that all the problems in the family were MY fault! Things were especially bad between me and my daughter. One badly needed divorce and several years later ...

    With a little maturity and now looking at things through adults eyes, they now see things so much differently than they did when they were kids. They now realize what was going on and they understand the position I was in. We really don't talk about it much and there have been no apologies - none necessary. The closest we have come is when my daughter was expecting her own baby and she told me that she was hoping for a boy because she remembered what she put me through when she was a kid and had no desire to go through that herself! I'll take it! And we've found out that we relate much better to each other as adult to adult than we did as adult to child. It does get better!
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    In reading between the lines? As another parent who had a kid "down the road" in foster care? Can I give you a little friend to friend advice? - Let go. Stop the 5x 10x a day calls. What I read between the lines in your posts is that there is a very controlling, manipulative little girl in a foster home who is still trying to hurt her Mom and doing a good job of it. There is a wonderful Mom who is hurt, confused -and trying harder than the daughter. THAT? has to stop. I think a good first step would be to tell my daughter that she has a life - THERE.....and I have a life HERE - and if she wanted to live HERE? She knows what she needs to do to come here and live, so that we could talk all the time. Then I'd tell her I'd like that very much, but so far? She hasn't shown me that's what she wants and a telephone isn't a substitution for the real thing.

    In other words - she's getting everything she wants from you - the information about her home, her Mom, her sister, - your calming voice, the care, the concern -----without ANY of the work. She wants you? She wants the 411? Let her do the work. I can see a chat now and then? But she's getting all that? And then rubbing in the "Oh no I think I'll stay in the big house with my FOSTER family I love it here." to you and I think that's kinda poopy. Sure why SHOULD she come do work at YOUR house? She gets all she needs over the phone. (pretty smart actually) By the time she does get to your house? Nothing you've done all week is a mystery for her. It's like she's been there wtihout being there. Let her WONDER what's going on at the house. If she wanted to be there? She'd work for it right?

    Just a thought -

    And as far as that relationship??? I'm just laughing - cause it seems to me that ANY child that calls you 5-10 times a day? Already HAS a relationship. It just needs fine tuned on those rules. Which is doable. You just have to learn the fine art of boundaries, detachment, and not being a doormat. That comes with YOUR maturity. Learn how to say NO to your kids and NOT worry about feeling guilty. It takes a lot of practice. Especially when you already feel so guilty about so much already. Work on the already while she's in foster care with a good therapist, cut out all the daily phone calls, and by the time she does come home? Have a battle plan in place and practice saying NO - even if you have to say it to trees and dogs - learn it. Okay? ----------NO there you said it already! GOOD GIRL!