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Good Tuesday Morning
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 690902" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I know Jabber. But for some sense I have this huge sense of failure inside of me.</p><p></p><p>You know when Lil posts in despair. There is never ever any doubt in the world about Lil's competence as a person. She does not doubt herself. But then, when SON is stuck, Lil seems to become desperate and despondent. I think it must feel to her that she doesn't work-that even though every single thing she may have tried in a professional realm has been success, she may feel she has failed--because she cannot help your son.</p><p></p><p>I seem to have not come to grips with the deep sense of failure I have had for the past two and a half years, that I failed my mother, and then, to a lesser extent, my son. Because "I did not work" well enough as a person to do it right with the people I love.</p><p></p><p>There is a deep burden, the deepest sense of guilt, and self-hatred even, still, about this. It is illogical. It is irrational. It is there. You, Jabber are a realist. A pragmatist. No drama. I know this must sound do you almost like self-indulgence. I guess it is. I will stop. No amount of feeling like a failure will change the reality of the lives of the people I love and loved.</p><p></p><p>Just like we say about our kids, our self-destruction will not help them. No amount of suffering by us, will elevate them. I need to keep walking. I did the best I could my whole life. It needs to be enough. I need to accept I did my best, with what I had. I need to forgive myself, and go on and be useful in the way I can.</p><p></p><p>This private little psycho-drama needs to finally go on vacation hiatus. There is no room for it at work. That is the decision I need to make. And I will.</p><p></p><p>Thank you everybody for letting me put this out there so that I can better understand and choose to make the right decision.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 690902, member: 18958"] I know Jabber. But for some sense I have this huge sense of failure inside of me. You know when Lil posts in despair. There is never ever any doubt in the world about Lil's competence as a person. She does not doubt herself. But then, when SON is stuck, Lil seems to become desperate and despondent. I think it must feel to her that she doesn't work-that even though every single thing she may have tried in a professional realm has been success, she may feel she has failed--because she cannot help your son. I seem to have not come to grips with the deep sense of failure I have had for the past two and a half years, that I failed my mother, and then, to a lesser extent, my son. Because "I did not work" well enough as a person to do it right with the people I love. There is a deep burden, the deepest sense of guilt, and self-hatred even, still, about this. It is illogical. It is irrational. It is there. You, Jabber are a realist. A pragmatist. No drama. I know this must sound do you almost like self-indulgence. I guess it is. I will stop. No amount of feeling like a failure will change the reality of the lives of the people I love and loved. Just like we say about our kids, our self-destruction will not help them. No amount of suffering by us, will elevate them. I need to keep walking. I did the best I could my whole life. It needs to be enough. I need to accept I did my best, with what I had. I need to forgive myself, and go on and be useful in the way I can. This private little psycho-drama needs to finally go on vacation hiatus. There is no room for it at work. That is the decision I need to make. And I will. Thank you everybody for letting me put this out there so that I can better understand and choose to make the right decision. [/QUOTE]
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