got a box in the mail today...sad

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rejectedmom, Oct 24, 2011.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    It was from the imate property office in the state difficult child is in. It was his clothing from when he was taken into custody. No wallet or anything just his coat, jeans underware and shoes sans laces. I assume that means he has been transfered to the State facilities but not sure where that is at this time.

    I am doing pretty good but hate being bindsided by stuff ike this. It sets me back a bit and I start to worry and rehash the past . I have to make a real effort to quiet my mind again. In the meantime I am hoping to hear from difficult child soon telling me where he is. (Big Sigh) -RM
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Good Grief! I can't imagine what a shock that must have been for you. I'm sorry you were blindsided. That is the first time I have read or heard of such unannounced packages and frankly it seems totally insensitive to the family to ship personal items with-o advanced notification or an attached note. Here's hoping that you hear soon where he is at this time but I doubt he would be fully placed this quickly. I'd guess it was from the intake center. Sigh. Hugs. DDD
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    {{ Hugs }} lots and lots of hugs.

    If knowing where he is will make you feel better-the info is often available online or thru a phone line.

    Be good to yourself - I wish I could buy you coffee ...
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    :flowers: so sorry. hugs.
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you.

    No DDD not a note of explanation... nothing.

    Signorina, I think it is probably too soon to track him online and I don't have an inmate number to do it anyway. I will have to wait for a letter but he has no money and I'm not sure they will give him paper or a stamp. I will wait a few days and if I haven't heard anything will start making phone calls to try to find out for myself. I could use a cup of coffee with a friend. Thanks for the nice thought.

    Lisa the hugs are apprciated

    Hound...Flowers for me? Thank you!
  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    hello most states the inmate enters the system thru the county jail. after sentencing, the inmate is transported to an intake prison. At intake, they have the option of throwing out their personal stuff or sending it home. (My son had his thrown out to save the expense of shipping it).

    At intake they are given their inmate number. They usually get one phone call to let you know they are there. After that you have to set up money on a phone account. A lot of states use jpay for that. Check the state he is in. On inmate locator a lot of times, you can use their name but best if you get the number.

    At intake they are issued state garb, usually scrubs and one set of toiletries. After that most inmates have to buy their own. They generally wait at the intake prison til they get a spot at a reception prison. At reception they are tested for intelligence, physical and mental needs as well as security needs. In PA they are given 10 stamped envelopes a month to write. You might also soon get a letter from the prison if he signed you on as an emergency contact. There is a period of no communication til they approve the phone and visitors' list your son gives them.
    I will PM you more info, but here is a ((HUG)) for now. this is a hard part of the process for sure.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I just remembered something. In Florida there is a web site that lists and shows all convicted felons. There is one site that only requires a name for the search and it shows current placement. Don't know if you have "government in the sunshine" in his State of residence but in Florida you can track where an inmate is at a given time. There is also a site on doctor that shows location and photos of each center.
    I'm sure it's a difficult choice to look or not to look and that, of course, is entirely up to you. Somehow I had forgotten that I had tracked a friend of difficult child's using those public site. Hugs. DDD
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry you are hurting RM. Sending comforting hugs and hope you hear from him soon.

  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    My day got worse, after the package I got a letter in which he reamed me out for asking him if there were other charges that he didn't tell me about because of the severity of his sentance. He said he thought the sentance was unfair and said he wouldn't be sending me anymore letters that he would only write to husband. Whatever. Nothing has changed he still doesn't own his consequences, still has faulty thinking, and lashes out at me. Right now I want nothing more to do with him but realize that might change in time. husband says I should write an set him straight. He doesn't want difficult child building anamosity towads me for all the time he is in. I don't either, I don't want to be looking over my shoulder in fear when he gets out.

    Ant'smom and DDD thank you for all the info. I looked it up and there is a number I can call to find out where he is. I'm not going to do it just yet.

    Nancy thank you for the comfort. I spent the day in a funk alternating between sad and mad -RM
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh RM I am so sorry you are going thru this... I would wait a few days before sending him a letter... maybe write him a couple before you send the final draft.... you know the first one can be exactly how you feel anger and all.... and then you can tone it down in the final draft.

    Anyway I think having a child in prison is one of the hardest things to go through... and then to have his blaming, not taking responsibility on top of it just makes it worse. My son only spent 2 weeks in jail but it was an awful time for me... so lots of cyber hugs coming your way.

  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Take some time to exhale. He is in a foreign environment, has no control of anything there and knows that bad things can and do happen in that environment. You may be his only opportunity to lash out and feel empowered. Whether he acknowledges it or not he is afraid. Deep in his heart he knows that you are not the enemy and that you love him. That will become more apparent to him as time goes by.
    Hugs. DDD
  13. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Hugs darlin' ...
  14. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I know that nothing I can say can take away the pain so please just know that I am thinking of you in this difficult time.

  15. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

  16. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Toughloving, Thank you for your kind words. Yes, it is difficult and something you never get used to. this will be his first time in a state prison. It is a whole different scene. Scary for him scary for me. RM

    DDD, I am sure he is afraid and I do hope he realizes that it was his actions not anyone elses that got him there. He has made alot of bad choices these last two years and it has put distance between us. I am not sure we will ever be close again. But I do hope he realizes we love him.

    Shelly, Kathy, and Hazoi, Thank you for your kindness. -RM
  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

  18. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So many hugs - SO many............
  19. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you this morning and sending you hugs and care.
    I hope you hear from your son soon. I can imagine the feelings you had when your sons clothes arrived. I can picture myself smelling them and hugging if to be closer.

    So sorry for the pain. I have had one son, oldest, in prison rehab several yrs ago. It was very overwhelming for me. I ended up having a psychotic breakdown after about a yr of his imprisonment. Please be sure to take care of yourself in so many ways.

  20. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hearts, Steely, LMS Thank you so much. I woke up feeling a bit better this morning. I plan on going to the store to get more candy for the trick-or-treeters. I ate some of it yesterday:( Tonight is the night for them. I really enjoy sitting out on the porch passing out treats and chatting with neighbors. I also plan on painting the woodwork in my closet. If I get that done I will be happy. I have been working on that room on and off for a while now. It is time to be finished. I remember when difficult child first went down the tubes I would be 'parallyzed' for days unable to focus on anything, now I can get back to my life more quickly. I look foward to a time when he doesn't affect me negatively at all. Does that time ever come I wonder? -RM