Got a letter today

[PatriotsGirl]

I wrote to difficult child this morning and then this afternoon a letter had come from her. I haven't heard from her since the calls when everything went down. The first thing I noticed was that the handwriting was the best I have seen from her (and I do know it was hers, though, lol). It was VERY neat. Her wording was a lot more mature and well, different. She said she understood completely about my not putting money on the phone account and thanked me for putting money on her food account. She let me know that she now weighs 184 pounds and her belly is hard as a rock. She says she is ready to give birth, ready for rehab and getting her life on track (can't say back on track as it has never been!). She says she is not comfortable giving Connor our last name, though. husband said if she does not give him our last name, he will go after them for child support. He feels VERY strongly about this. I told her that while WE are caring for and providing EVERYTHING for that baby, that he should have OUR last name. He cannot do a thing for that child - why should he have his last name??

Anyhow, the pre-detached me would have been thrilled reading this letter. It would have filled me with hope that she is finally "getting it".

Realistic, detached me thinks that was a nice letter, is thankful she was polite and hopes she really does want the help she is going to be getting. But I know I have nothing to do with whether she does or not. I have made the decision and have communicated to her that I will be her cheerleader and rock as long as she is trying and clean. But if she is using, I want her completely out of my life and as far away from us as possible. I have no control over her choices but I CAN control MY environment.

So, that is the only update I have....just waiting for baby now. The car seat is ready and the baby bag is packed by the door. He doesn't need any clothing until about 6 months. My friend has a son that is one year older than Connor and so she really loaded me up on so much stuff!! I have almost everything we need. I need more bottles and then formula, diapers, etc. I even have the legal paperwork to be filled out in a folder in the baby bag. Bought a Keurig for coffee knowing I am going to need LOTS of it at odd hours... oh and I bought a white noise machine on Ebay!! Brand new for ten bucks! Score!!

She is due in just a few more weeks. I am hoping he holds off until September actually arrives, though. husband and I are seeing John Pinnette at a comedy club this weekend and we are going camping next! He needs to stay in there and cook just a little bit longer....

 

[pasajes4]

You are BEYOND awesome. Connor is a blessed baby to have you guys in his corner.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Just doing what is in my heart...I'm scared, I won't lie. But I wouldn't have been able to be okay with myself if we didn't take him and I need to be okay with me. Thanks for your support!!! I am going to need you all..

 

[recoveringenabler]

You've done a great job working through all of these challenging options..........yikes............big hugs! Let's all hope that Connor is a easy child!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

You've done a great job working through all of these challenging options..........yikes............big hugs! Let's all hope that Connor is a easy child!

I have read that their first year is super important and there are a lot of little things I can do to help him. Of course, there are no guarantees EVER, but hopefully with knowing his history upfront and knowing what can help him can make at least a small difference. I have a lot of experience behind me that I certainly didn't have before. I am just praying SUPER hard that he is like my son.

 

[DDD]

PG your update is encouraging for sure. I have my fingers crossed. Regarding the last name, doesn't she still have your last name? I don't recall reading about a marriage. IF so...Connor would not be "odd man out" when the family is together. I was surprised how young easy child/difficult child questioned names. In his case, lol, he wanted our last name (husband and I are 2nd marriage) but understood his Mommy gave birth to him so he had her name. Still there was a sense of continuity and security. DDD

 

[PatriotsGirl]

PG your update is encouraging for sure. I have my fingers crossed. Regarding the last name, doesn't she still have your last name? I don't recall reading about a marriage. IF so...Connor would not be "odd man out" when the family is together. I was surprised how young easy child/difficult child questioned names. In his case, lol, he wanted our last name (husband and I are 2nd marriage) but understood his Mommy gave birth to him so he had her name. Still there was a sense of continuity and security. DDD

NOPE, they are NOT married. Her last name is the same as ours. But she can give the baby any name she wants. husband is pretty adamant that he have the same last name as all of us. At least while we are caring for him and I do agree. When that man can provide for him, he can give him his last name. I told difficult child that as much as SHE believes Connor is his, she admitted to me previously that she was seeing another man at the same time on the same day! So, a paternity test should be done. There is a chance, and I believe a VERY good chance, that he is not the real father. Regardless, he is going to court on September 9th for the possession with intent to distribute charge and I am pretty sure he will end up doing something. He has already been sent through the drug court/program, he has other open cases, I can't see them just letting him go free...I am actually in awe that she doesn't mind that Connor would have a different last name than her!? Then again, nothing from her surprises me anymore...

 

[compassion]

Wouldn't he have to prove paternity? My son's girlfriend's baby,the hospital would not let her give the baby our last name. It turned out the baby is not his biological child. Since there is a question of paternity, I would think the last name would be her last name.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I wasn't sure about that. Since he will not be there and they are not married, if she could still give him his last name. I read that she can. Course I will tell the hospital that there is a question of paternity so hopefully they will not let her. When he is able, if he can prove paternity or they get it together and marry, it is a very simple process to have the birth certificate fixed. I had her last name changed after husband adopted her.

 

[1905]

She absolutely must leave the father's name blank. Here is a selling point for you to give her. One day, when all this is behind her, she will meet a wonderful man who she wants to marry. This man will also want Connor to be his. If the BC is left blank, it will be very simple to merely add his name to it, all you need is a notary. There, now Conner can easily be put on the man's insurance....etc...If she adds someone else's name there, there will have to be some long drawn out adoption. This will be a nightmare. Plus the baby may not even be the man who she names, and that's another whole fiasco...taking years to fix. If it ever can get fixed. This will be costly and and a major headache. Tell her if she names a man, you are coming after him for child support. For 18 years and how can she do that to someone who not only can't pay (they put people in jail for not paying), but may not even be the actual dad. You know what to say about that. Just paint a lovely picture of her future with a man who she will marry and how easy and within reach this is for her.

My future daughter in law (wedding in Nov) has a baby and is going through this same thing. It is BAD! The bio dad is not allowed at all to see the baby anymore because he lives I a drug den. Last Fri they went to court in an emergency basis, but they have to go back for the man never paying, ever. But when the baby did go there, he was just dropped off anywhere, because the man went out partying and they think he was left in his carseat all weekend. He is scared of the car seat suddently. This man doesn't even want the child, he actually asked to have his parental rights terminated in front of the judge. Imagine how sad this is to drop him there, knowing he wasn't going to be cared for. He was supposed to meet halfway to exchange the child but the man has never showed up ONCE. I'm not going to go into all this, but, for the safety of that baby........she can't name anyone as the father, especially not an unsavory person. In reality, you may have to let the person she may name have visitation or something. And heck no for that!!!!

 

[Tiredof33]

In the US there are no laws regarding giving the baby a last name. A very close relative is already having an issue with her grandson's last name.

The birth mother put her last name on the birth cert, even though they were planning to marry. She is a full blown difficult child and doesn't think things through.

They did marry and of course she continues her difficult child ways and the marriage is rocky. She is threatening him with alimony, child support, anything she can. BUT, his name is not on the birth certificate and it will take a paternity test to get it on there and about $1000 minimum.

If he is not there to sign the BC he has no legal rights until it's settled in court. And it doesn't sound like he will be taking it to court anytime soon!

I agree with you and hubby, he needs to have your last name if you are raising him.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well Im happy for you about the letter, it sounds very good.

I guess Im in the minority here about the last name IF the real father is found. If there is a real father then his name should be on the BC. We were HIGHLY ticked off because Monkey was given her mother's last name even though difficult child signed the BC and we all know he has been told for 7 years now that he is the biological father. Monkey should be Monkey difficult child's last name. Mouse has difficult child's last name. I think Mouse's mom had been here long enough to know how irritated that Monkey didnt so she did the right thing.

Now in SC when I gave birth to my two younger son's, I had to put my ex husband on Huckleberry Hound's BC because I was still married to my ex. Huckleberry does have his real father's last name even though my ex is listed as father. We never did anything to change that and I guess if my ex ever wins the lottery, Huckleberry will be very lucky...lol. Now I was able to put difficult child's real father on the BC because I finally got my divorce when I was 6 months pregnant with difficult child. Thats actually how I got my ex to sit still to accept divorce papers....I threatened to have 10 kids all with his name on the BC. Eventually they would come after him for child support then. My ex has never paid a dime in child support.

However, I support you in whatever you do. Obviously we have a very close relationship with Monkey which is probably why it upsets us so much. If we never knew her or saw her we probably wouldnt care but as it is every time I have to give her name on something it just irks me.

 

[Hopeless]

Not sure which state you live in, but here (at least several years ago) the father had to agree to be on birth certificate if unmarried.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

If we never knew her or saw her we probably wouldnt care but as it is every time I have to give her name on something it just irks me.

Same here - it irks me even thinking he could have his last name. Connor would be the only one with that last name and there is NO ONE with that last name doing ANYTHING for Connor. So why should he get their last name?? Anyhow, I fully plan on talking to the hospital when I am there and letting them know that they are both meth addicts, both incarcerated and there is very much a question of paternity. Hopefully they will tell her she cannot give him the boyfriend's last name and the baby needs to have HER last name. I agree, the bc should be left blank. That is what I did when she was born and it was very easy later on to have husband added as father and have her last name changed...

 

[DammitJanet]

Odd you say something about him being the only one in the family with a different last name. One of the many reasons I didnt marry the two younger boys father was that I wanted at least one of us with same last name as all the kids. My oldest son is named after his father. In fact he is a fifth! He swears if he ever has a son there wont be a sixth...lol. I kept my married name when I got divorced so that my oldest son and I would have the same last name. When the other two came along they have their father's last name. Its never been a real issue. If Im dealing with my oldest son most people call me by my correct name. If Im dealing with the younger two its not uncommon for me to be referred to as Ms. M when in reality Im Mrs L though I have never used the Mrs...always Ms. I wasnt involved long enough with my oldests father to actually consider us married..lol. We got married in the fall of 1980 and he was gone from my life by the winter of 82. We may have lived together 18 months in all. Now getting that divorce took me 6 years!

 

[AnnieO]

My niece's two sons have her last name. Neither of the boys' fathers was around much... And now that the older one is in 3rd grade he has announced he will never want his father's last name. Since I know what it is... I can't say I blame him!

Now that my niece has gotten her life together, I hope she marries someone who loves the boys as much as her...

 

[lovemysons]

Hi PG,

I guess I don't understand why difficult child wants Connor to have his (possible) father's name...does she think there is a future between the two of them? Is this some kind of power struggle now between you/husband and difficult child?

Wish there weren't ANY issues surrounding the birth or legalities. I would think difficult child would want to throw herself at the mercy of those who are helping her keep her baby in the family...Namely you and husband!
I SO agree with you that the "father" in this case should not give his name if he can't be a REAL father.

I grew up not knowing my dad. Met him at 17. Now my mom did carry the same last name as me since she did not remarry while raising me...but all it was WAS a sad reminder of what I was missing. I wish I had Had my grandparents last name (my mom's maiden name) as THEY were people I could be proud of! My dad was just an abusive alcoholic who was never even really MY dad.

I hope this gets worked out soon.
Meanwhile enjoy your camping trip!

Hugs PG...I am SO glad baby Connor will have your love in his life for as long as needed.
LMS

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh yes. She is still holding on to some fantasy that they are going to get married and be a family. I am praying he does time in jail or that we find out he is not the father. I told husband I absolutely plan on talking to the people at the hospital - I will tell them that she is a meth addict that has been incarcerated and there is a question of who the father really is. I will beg and plead that they do not allow her to give Connor that man's last name. If they tell her that it is not allowed, she won't even question it...

According to difficult child, she thinks we are going to "pull something weird" and that is why we want him to have our last name. Still paranoid, I guess...

I am just praying he stays in a couple more weeks...!

 

[compassion]

I arranged for a paternity test (swab) when the baby was a few days old. It was such a releif to know my son was not bio dad.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I arranged for a paternity test (swab) when the baby was a few days old. It was such a releif to know my son was not bio dad.

He will have to be the one to arrange for one when he is able. He won't come near that child until he can prove that he is the father if I have anything to do with it!