Axed to put warning here. spit warning.
I carry earplugs - foam earplugs with me all.the.time. I have sensitivity issues that on any given day can act up, and I need to put them in so I don't cut short my shopping trips, or have to leave a store for fear I will harm somone. (no I'm not kidding - scuffing shoes, popping gum, crying children, ticking noises, that beeping noise in Walmart)
So I'm standing in line at the pharmacy in WM one day and with five registers of course they only have one girl working as cashier. The line is down the aisle and twisted around the corner and nearly to the first self-check out 20 items or less on the other side of the entrance. On either side of the aisle are items. To my left? Pepto, zegrid etc. To my right - oddly enough? Depends. So I'm in line for eternity, and in front of me is a nicely dressed woman. Neat hair, nicely groomed and painted nails, sharply dressed. Behind me is an elderly woman with her son buying diabetic supplies. To my left is a younger woman buying peptobismol and in that mix of four people is someone with the most retched gas so badly fowling my air that I'm nearly throwing up in my mouth. Not once, but twice the air is so thick it's green. It's anyone's guess as to who dealt it. But I'm telling you? One more of those and I was going to pass out or throw up. So the young lady buying the pepto was my guess, she left - the line moves up and it NEVER occurs to ME - that ANYONE thinks "IT'S ME." I do NOT fart in public, I would sooner die. (I'll throw a tantrum yes - but not cut the cheese)
So the air clears and I'm returning to a fleshy pink from green and the woman in front of me never turns around but the woman behind me makes some comment, and I turned around to her and said "It wasn't me." She smiles and her son said something about "I told you I was too close to her - not her....." and just then - IT HAPPENED AGAIN." and OHHHHHH for the love of fresh air "I reached in my purse got two ear plugs *bright neon purple and.....yup - shoved them in my nose. The nicely dressed woman in front of me was the one doing it -----and ---(this was classic) The elderly woman behind me - in one of those little rascal scooter carts with the baskets ----tells ME to move - and SPRAYS the air with a GLADE gardenia aerosol air freshener and says - "Lady if I felt as bad as whats commin out yer behind? I'd get myself out of line and go ta the restroom and stop stinkin' up the air cause DA*(# I'm three people behind cha and I can't hardly breath....GOOD LORD. I think you need to take a BM." and with that - the woman got out of line and left. The elderly woman looked at me - and her son and said "Well I didn't mean ta hurt no feelings but she was burning my nose hairs .poopin up the air like that."
Everyone in line was about in tears and I was laughing so hard I shot one of my earplugs out of my nose and just left it on the floor. You just can't mess with the logic of an 88 year old woman sitting nose leveil in the firing line of a bad load ---
Now in our house when anyone stinks - we use that same phrase - poopin up the air. and we still LOL.