I have been a bus aide for Head Start for three and a half years. Granted, this isn't rocket science as a job, but I liked it and enjoyed the kids. My bus driver was a rather strange woman but I thought we got along GREAT. Well, yesterday, the first day after Christmas break, my boss called me into her office. Apparently "someone" had made various serious complaints about me, most which were misperceptions of that "someone." That "someone" tends to take situations and draw strange conclusions from them. For example, one of our co-workers found out she had cancer that had come back. There had been rumors by some (not me) that she was just taking off of work to take off of work, so she made an emotional speech about finding out she had another cancer, this one slow growing, but still cancer. She was choking up, but, in general was very brave. This "somebody" got very huffy about her speech and marched out of the room and spent the next several days talking about this lady's "tantrum" and how it shouldn't have been allowed to take place and how she just wanted attention and blah, blah, blah. She did not have any compassion for the lady and did not understand the real meaning of t his ladies speech to us. Well, apparently, the same thing happened on the bus. She thought that when I was talking loud over the k ids to her, I was YELLING at her. She claimed I favored certain kids and said inappropriate things in front of the kids and it was NOT TRUE. Everyone whispered stuff to one another on the bus, and everyone knows that, but nobody said anything about the kids or their parents loudly so the kids could hear. On the other hand, the bus driver decided one day not to pick up one of our kids. When the parent called to say we hadn't come, she said she had been there but they hadn't seen her so she had left and s he couldn't go back to get the child. Long story behind this. These were not stellar people. They mistreated their kids and made us wait forty-five minutes the night before while they drove home from whoknowswhere. It doesn't matter. We are not allowed not to pick up our kids for any reason. She made it out like it was a little secret between us and I never said anything because I didn't want to get her into trouble. When my boss called and said, "Were you there to pick up A? H er mother called" bus driver said, "Oh, yes, we were there, but she just wasn't ready." Because this parent is not reliable, she got away with it. Last night I was almost suicidal over losing the job. Because of my learning differences, including the face blindnes and other deficits, I have a lot of trouble finding any job that I can do so this was huge. I really don't know what to do with myself now. There are other jobs, but I am pretty sure the ones I know about are jobs I would get fired from just because I can't do them, which is different. I feel lost and disoriented and sick. I really don't know what to do with myself. Not to mention, we need the money. I'm going to talk to the head of Head Start today, but I don't expect it to do any good. He decided he believed her and anything I will see can only sound like excuses. But I do want to have my last word. I rarely feel this lonely, but I am now no longer a part of a workforce. There are not a lot of activities out here in small town USA. And I just feel sick and useless and a little bit suicidal. I am going to try to get in to see some therapist, but, even if I can, which isn't a sure thing, I am not sure even a therapist can help me. I really don't like people very much and this just added to it. So while I'm lonely, I am also not interested in people either. Maybe I just find the wrong ones, but I sure do. I have had very few positive people in my life and it's hard to find them at age 59. The kids will be gone today. Tom is at work. It's just me and the dogs. It is very hard for me to justify to myself what reason I have to continue my life. I mean, I've lived almost 60 years already and I look ahead and see a big blank nothing. Yes, I know I have the kids, but the kids are busy, the hub is at work...I'm not at a suicidal point yet, but just scary that I'm thinking about it and in such a peaceful way. I'm not going into a hospital. I've been in a hospital three times. I'm looking for somebody outpatient. Maybe someone can see me today. I really need it. On the o ne plus side, hub is fine with starting the foster care process early both to make some money (not going to lie) but also because I love little kids and that would keep me busy. But even that can't perk me up too much today. Really in a funk. Really feel like giving up. Wish some of you lived by me for coffee. It's not a good day for me to be alone. I wish I had some of your phone numebers...lol...but you don't need my angst, really!!