Got my first bloody lip from my kid

[Weary for Hope]

I haven't been on for a while - I am sorry I haven't been following the posts. There have been other health crises in my familiy that I have been focusing on.

My son has been doing pretty well for a time (he is 11), but started getting in a bad place again about a week ago. When I say bad place, I mean that he is extra defiant every day and on the verge of blow ups the whole day, every day (does this happen to anyone else? - the cyclical thing?) He got violent on Wednesday and punched me hard in the face, giving me a bloody lip. When something like this happens, you realize the severity that you are living in an abusive situation. I haven't felt safe for a while, as he is getting big and strong, but he has periods of time where he is fairly upbeat and ok.

Many things have come together for us getting help for him, though it has taken a while. We have great support at his new middle school - he has a wonderful resource worker and an educational plan in place. I'm so grateful for these things. We recently got him a psychiatrist (for the first time) and a psychotherapist. We have been waiting to hear back from the psychiatrist a diagnosis, though before he reviewed all the info we gave him, he guessed that it could be mild bipolar. (it doesn't feel mild to me!) The day after I got my bloody lip, we made an apt with the psychiatrist. Unfortunately, our son refused to go (my husband could not force him). So my husband wanted to talk to the dr over the phone instead. Unfortunately, the doctor didn't call back. I really hope to get a hold of him this week so we can get our kid on medication and get him more of the help he needs.

This is so exhausting and draining - - and everyone else in the family (husband, me, dog) have gotten pretty physically sick with different issues and I believe it's a result of the impact of living with a child who is defiant, angry and violent.

Hoping that help comes soon.

I am very fortunate to be getting some wonderful prayer support at my church. They are amazing and loving and have been a life-saver.

I struggle with loving him and being loving.

Me - 40, wiped out
husband - sick
dog - sick
difficult child - Age 11, huge anger issues, no diagnosis yet (came into our home at age 3), adopted

 

[klmno]

Has he seen a psychiatrist and had a neuropsychologist from a private professional? You need more people involved than just the sd. I'm sorry he bloodied your lip. The cyclic thing is something the psychiatrist needs to know. ((HUGS))

 

[Weary for Hope]

what's a psychiatrist? we need to find a neuropsychologist. he is seeing a psychotherapist. What is SD? Sorry, we are in the middle of a battle right now (literally) and I don't have time to look these things up.

 

[klmno]

Sorry- I just read this more closely and see that you are taking steps to get him seen by someone. I was rushing thru my first response. I really do feel for you- this sounds similar to how things started when my son started having big issues. We thought his diagnosis was bipolar, too. It takes a while to get medications straight and sort out how much is MH and how much they can control.

 

[crazymama30]

psychiatrist is psychiatrist, school district is SD. There is someplace that goes over the abbreviations. I hope that you are able to get him on medication and that they help.

Sometimes there are events that happen that make us realize how serious things are. Hugs.

 

[crazymama30]

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f7/board-abbreviations-acronyms-8/


here is a link to a thread that explanes all the abbreviations.

 

[klmno]

psychiatrist=psychiatrist (preferably a Child & Adolescent Board certified one)
some states don't certify neuropsychs separately- but try to find a PhD level psychologist who is qualified to do neuropsychological testing and be checking into whether or not your insurance covers all or part of it
SD = school district or school
therapist = therapist (Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) or family therapist or something along those lines- not that you asked but it will come up at some point)
psychiatric= psychologist

 

[Wiped Out]

Sending gentle hugs your way. I hope you are able to get a hold of the psychiatrist this week. The violence is not o.k. I have been there done that and at times still deal with it. It is draining, more than draining. Be sure to take care of you and find some "me" time.

 

[Chaosuncontained]

How did he react after hitting you? Repenant? Proud? Upest/sad?

When you (or your husband) called the doctor did you/he tell them in a message what happened? I would think they would be quicker to respond knowing such violent behavior had occured. Wow.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Carson is quick to anger and has lashed out at sibling and peers--hitting, choking, biting, slapping, kicking...but he has never made an agressive move like that to adults (yet). I am sure it was a very scary thing.

Praying for your family...

 

[buddy]

Well, I came here to see new posts and to update, after driving with difficult child (Q) home from my dad's house...a horrific car ride home. I honestly feel for you since I know the story. It is so ugly and I feel so desperate to help him. I will update in my own thread but I wanted to let you know I get it. It is really sad to see your baby be so out of control. Luckily, mine didn't hurt anyone tonight and when I told him no more sports or tv he accepted it willingly and actually chose to take a bath to calm. Nice when some of the constant training and therapy works a little bit. If we can't stop every time before it happens, good thing a few times things work after.

Hope the psychiatrist calls soon. (if you see an abbreviation underlined...put your cursor on it and the definition will pop up)

HUGS, Buddy

 

[Star*]

Dear Weary,

Hi and welcome,

First of all your situation in the house, and husband the poor dog and your son is a struggle that will last - a life time. The behaviors CAN get better over time with help and intervention, but acceptance is something that we found hardest of all in the beginning. We were sure if we just found the right 'miracle' drug, doctor, pill, therapy, therapist, placement, book, - we would uncover the solution and key to the entire problem. Or a collective soul of therapies if you will. Some 13 placements, 65 medications, foster care, jail time, 15 years of therapy and completely worn out knees (DF says this is why he's having total knee replacement now lol) was still not quite an answer for us. Believe me - we read so many books we started a lending library for our state. We were members of several organizations, and active in many of them - helping other parents - tried to get our son involved in anything we could think of - it was futile - he was abusive,and we had to get a therapist to work with us one on one to design a plan to save our sanity -and ultimately our sons life.

We opted for placing him (and I say opted but technically our sons behavior and his choices put himself there) for a locked psychiatric facility after group homes would not work. He was still violent - lashing out - and they worked on anger management. The stress levels in our home went down, the dogs (and we have enormous pit bulls) started to actually WALK around not skulk -eventhe one that was pestered relentlessly that bit our son twice - was so afraid of him. Therapist said allow it to happen - he'll learn - nope - bit him again. It was unfathomable to us the extent this child would go and still NEVER learn a lesson. It was like his brain was siilicon and nothing stuck. NOTHING.

Today he's 21, and despite us literally dragging him to therapy? EIther go to therapy or GO to the ER -----his choice. And we kept our promises - We would tell ER staff he was a danger to himself or others and he'd be locked up. So he usually went to therapy - EVEN if he didn't listen or participate - the therapist said to get him there somehow to establish a pattern of GOING. We thought it was hokey - but eventually our son did start going. Either that or he hated to see us pull into the ER......not sure. We meant what we said. ER psychiatric hospital here ships you to the state for the littlest thing. State isn't comfy. Even at 10 and 11 years old.

If they do find a medication that helps his mood - it's not going to be a life - saver - so DO NOT allow him to think "Ah I take a pill, and I'm all better." HUGE mistake. My son is 21 and STILL thinks a pill should just FIX his Bipolar psuedo mood swings. He's up he's down - he's happy then he's Captian jackass. He needs tobe chemically altered, but we were told you can't really diagnosis a BiPolar (BP) person until they are in their 20's - well he's 21 now o maybe if he'll go? He can get help.

As for your son? THere should be a talk about the hitting and an ABSOLUTE consequence for hitting. PERIOD - NO excuses NO second chances - no MOMMY PLEASES -----If he hits you again? Rages like that again? You need to have a plan. Whatever it is? My advice would be to throw him into your car - take him to the ER and have him admitted for evaluation. BEFORE he gets to the tender age of 15 when he CAN be arrested for assault on someone. Get it (anger) under control as best you can NOW while he's young. And whatever it takes to GET HIM in teh car to the therapist? DO IT - He's not the boss of your house -YOU ARE. Period. End of conversation. Explain - THIS will happen or THIS WILL occur. Then follow through and you and husband be a UNITED front - and both agree - THIS is what WE WILL DO - if our son does NOT do what he's asked.

This is why therapy will help you all out a lot. Promise - just stick with it - it takes a LONG time to establish trust - so don't expect miracles - HOPE for them....of course and pray always constantly ----mostly for patience and strength.....and a closed mouth to not engage an 11 year old......trust me.

Hugs for your day - OH and a Date night - IS A MUST - get someone to babysit for youi at LEAST every other week and GO OUT and date.......get out of the madness -

Star

 

[TerryJ2]

So sorry, Weary.
I like your subject heading ... shows your mindset: Got my FIRST bloody lip from my kid.
You know what you're in for.
Did he show remorse?
Fingers crossed that you can get a quick appointment and get difficult child to calm down.

 

[AnnieO]

I remember my first bloody lip from my kid... And by that point, I was the only person left that she hadn't hit, and I'd already found this board. I, too, knew it was a "first" (though she's managed not to hit me in the face again)...

Star is, unfortunately, too right... I do hope you get help soon, too, but you clearly already know it's going to be a LOOOOOOOONNNNNGGGG road. Mostly I just wanted to lend my support!

 

[Bunny]

I'm sorry that he hit you and that you got hurt. I have no advice, but I just wanted to say that I understand. difficult child hits us, too, although he has not hit me in a while. Right now his favorite target is easy child.

 

[Weary for Hope]

Thanks for your responses so far, esp as you are in the midst of your own personal battles. To answer a question- he was still angry after he ht me, not repentant. (sometimes he will say sorry on his own, later on, but that's certainly not a regular thing)

Star, I am really sorry for all you have been through & I appreciate your advice on parenting, I really do, but I gotta be honest- when I first read your post this morning, it was so upsetting to me as to actually make me feel physically sick. We have been walking this road with our son ever since he came into our home as toddler 8 years ago, and it's been such a long road to get help. When people tell me it's going to get worse - they have no idea what I've already been through, the years of agony. Hearing that is not going to help me make it through today. I know that medication isn't the magic that is going to cure anything, but he has never really had any (except a few pills this summer I got from a doctor in emergency), so I'm hoping it will make a difference for him. Is it bad to expect medication to be help? I know it could take a while to get the right medication...but I'm praying it won't be as long as it can be. I think while we need to be realistic with one another, we need to be careful not to crush each other's spirits with how horrible our own stories have been. My son's journey will not be your child's journey. That being said, I appreciate the time you took to respond. He has been evaluated by the school and the psychiatric has all the info - - we are trying to get a hold of him, but it's hard to get through, unfortunately.

I'm sorry for what each of you are going through. Let's uplift one another.

 

[TerryJ2]

Weary,
I am so sorry that Star's note hit you so hard and I hope that you are feeling better today. (And that your lip is better.)
I have no idea what your son's diagnosis is so I can't comment on medications, except that they have helped our son a lot. (You should be able to see the medications in my profile/signature here.) The first ADHD medication he was on worked within 1/2 hr and instead of screaming and growling, he was having conversations. We didn't try clonidine until a cple yrs later, and that was the first time we'd seen him relaxed and smiling in months! So yes, they can work. For us, they openeded the door to therapy and diet solutions, because they slowed down and calmed our difficult child so he could absorb the information.

So the school psychiatric has all the info? Didn't they set up a mtng with-you? I'd be in there in person, every day!

by the way, if you haven't yet read The Manipulative Child, or The Out of Sync Child, or The Defiant Child, or The Explosive Child, I recommend them all. I've got lots of these books, and every now and then, I go back and read them, as my son grows up and situations change.

 

[buddy]

Hi weary. My son also has gotten better on medications. Will he always have problems? YUP but he has a brain injury and autism and attachment problems so of course he will have problems forever. I do still have hope that he will improve. And, he does hurt me at times. We are in a tricky phase now, but had years of good response to medications (puberty has hit now!...when they grow, it is really hard becasue medications have to be adjusted so fast)...

I had a similar situation to TerryJ2, the very first day on Ritalin, school called. He was able to sit in a group and listen to a story for the very very first time. He had run around the class for the whole first part of the year.

He was on clonidine when I adopted him. we were able to go off of it for a while. Then about 3 years ago we went back on it becasue he started having aggression moments again. It works great. He has issues but without it there is no redirecting it, he can totally rage. On it, the rages are rare. I haven't had to restrain him more than a few times in years. (until this recent new medication bad reaction...that doesn't count).

I think it is good to accept if there is a life long developmental condition or psychiatric condition. However, there is always hope for things to improve and be liveable. We all have different difficult child's and different experiences. We can only share from our own perspectives of course. If you feel that there is hope, hold on to it. Ultimately you will have some good times and some challenges. The name of the game.

HOLD on to every good moment. I like to tell the funny things my son has done or said, it helps me see the whole boy, not the challenges.

HUGS, Buddy

 

[Weary for Hope]

Thank you SO much, Buddy & Terry.

Had a great night with the boy last night. It felt so good to enjoy one another's company. We need more intentional time like that- out of the house.

Thinking of you.