Gradually stopping enabling

[BusynMember]

Nar Anon is online too!

I have a suggestion...find a cognitive behavioral or dialectal behavioral therapist to work with you on being able to handle your anxiety. No offense, but since dealers are dangerous thugs and don't give credit cards or payment plans, your son was using probably enormous amounts of money for fake debts to buy dangerous drugs for his own use. Never ever believe those good guy drug dealers are good hearted white collar guys who give credit. You get if you pay cash. That's why any cash is dangerous to your son, even if he throws a toddler fit. What kind of person does this to his own parents? This is HIS problem.

Please, please get serious help learning to handle the discomfort your anxiety gives you. I have severe anxiety and through the years I have learned how to feel the anxiety and work through it. It is possible. But it's time you wrap yourself in love because we all deserve our own love. Just like you, I once put EVERYONE before me. I still tend to put my kids and hub first, but I am healthy enough today to only do it to those who show me respect and love. You matter. Invest in yourself.

Hugs and more hugs.

 

[RN0441]

So sorry you are going through this. It is all so very very hard. No one knows what it's like to be the mother of an addict until they have to do it and most of us here have been down that road or are still on the road.

I would suggest seeing a therapist for yourself that specializes in addiction. That is what I have done rather than going to meetings because that works better for me. I would get depressed hearing others' stories and feel hopeless so focusing on my own situation has been key for me. She also helps me create boundaries for myself and my son.

Our young men are on a journey and we are on our own journey. It all takes time and there is no right or wrong or room for criticism. We take one step at a time and sometimes it's in the wrong direction but we correct it and keep moving forward.

We support our son when he is doing the right thing and trying to better himself. I guess you could call it positive reinforcement.

You have to take care of yourself, your husband and your daughter also.

Keep posting and reading here. It really does help because we get it.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Thank you SWOT and RNO441, I really appreciate your advice.

This forum is doing me so much good, it’s helping me change the way I think. I’ve never had advice like this before apart from a couple of months ago when my brother told me that I need to detach from my son and look after myself now. It was the first time I heard that and the more I read on here, the more I feel it is the way forward.

Prior to this, my thinking was to always help my son because that was what families do but I realise now that I wasn’t helping, I was enabling. I had no experience of any family member being a drug user or manipulative so i was clueless in how to handle the situation. I thought it was a phase and it would pass, I was ridiculously naive and I think if I’d been looking in from the outside I would have seen things very differently. I hear on here about FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - that is exactly what caused me to start enabling. I feared him getting a police record, I feared his rages, I felt responsible for helping him, I felt I should always let him live at home etc. I have changed so much already over the last 4 years and I will continue to move in the right direction.

 

[RN0441]

It's a process for all of us.

We have to learn a new way to parent and who do we learn that from? I felt so very alone for so long. We felt trapped in our own home. I knew my son was "sick" because to me that is what addiction is. Part of the illness is them thinking they are doing FINE and that they don't need help. That's the worst part of all.

My husband and I have supported each other but at many times our son came between us. It was just maddening the way we were living. I did not want to go home after work anymore. It turned our happy home into an unhappy home. I know I will never live like that again. It's not good for my health and I get PTSD just from thinking about it.

Our son has some clarity now that he has been sober for four months. He would spend many months sober in the past when at home and we'd think "it" was over and it was a phase but then it kept reoccurring and we had to realize it was more than just a phase.

I have looked for answers for 7 years and I can tell you to stop looking now, there aren't any answers. I wasted so much time trying to figure it out. There is no figuring it out. As someone else said on here, I understand that I will never understand.

Don't be so hard on yourself and try to have some self-compassion. What you are dealing with is not easy and there is no quick fix.

 

[Littleboylost]

GA
I am just catching up here adding a hug

 

[MissJuneBug]

have looked for answers for 7 years and I can tell you to stop looking now, there aren't any answers. I wasted so much time trying to figure it out. There is no figuring it out. As someone else said on here, I understand that I will never understand.

I like this thinking. I finally decided to stop asking ‘Why? and now ask ‘what?’ As in what is he doing that is making all of us miserable, what can we do to put a stop to the drama in our lives and most importantly, what is his to own and fix and what is ours? At this point ‘why’ doesn’t matter.....

 

[Sam3]

I did tell Wiz that if he contacted me about the request before I replied, I would automatically give him the answer he did not want.

Your whole post is great Susiestar. But this particular piece of advice is simple, yet, genius.

 

[Lost in sadness]

Hey
Good to see you back, I wondered where you were and was hoping you were not on here as things were so much better now your son has his flat. I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling, I understand this. My son got his houseshare and for a while it was ok. Spotless. As time went on unsavoury friends started staying, parties every night, slept all day. We bought a weekly shop which was gone in a couple of days as he fed all his ‘mates’ too. Eventually another homeless boy started sleeping on the floor. One night in a drink/drug filed rage my son punched holes through the walls of the ensuite bathroom. From then on the room flooded daily. Long story short, the rest of the housemates left, mound grew on the floor and the beautiful house looked like a drug squat! It stunk, I was so so ashamed. We also met with drug dealers to pay off debt. One night we paid £250 to a dealer we met in a car park. I later heard that my son threw a party that night to celebrate being out of debt! How could he? It broke my heart. In the end he was thrown out of the house and as guarantors we were left with a £3.5k debt for damages. It’s a hard painful journey and we spend so much time wondering what WE did wrong and how WE can fix it. The learning for us is to realise that WE are not to blame. It is a slow process of detaching and some days are stronger than others. Be kind to yourself and know that ‘wobbles’ are all part of it and no one will judge you here! Hugs and live today. Xxxx

 

[Littleboylost]

Hey
Good to see you back, I wondered where you were and was hoping you were not on here as things were so much better now your son has his flat. I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling, I understand this. My son got his houseshare and for a while it was ok. Spotless. As time went on unsavoury friends started staying, parties every night, slept all day. We bought a weekly shop which was gone in a couple of days as he fed all his ‘mates’ too. Eventually another homeless boy started sleeping on the floor. One night in a drink/drug filed rage my son punched holes through the walls of the ensuite bathroom. From then on the room flooded daily. Long story short, the rest of the housemates left, mound grew on the floor and the beautiful house looked like a drug squat! It stunk, I was so so ashamed. We also met with drug dealers to pay off debt. One night we paid £250 to a dealer we met in a car park. I later heard that my son threw a party that night to celebrate being out of debt! How could he? It broke my heart. In the end he was thrown out of the house and as guarantors we were left with a £3.5k debt for damages. It’s a hard painful journey and we spend so much time wondering what WE did wrong and how WE can fix it. The learning for us is to realise that WE are not to blame. It is a slow process of detaching and some days are stronger than others. Be kind to yourself and know that ‘wobbles’ are all part of it and no one will judge you here! Hugs and live today. Xxxx

Lost
That was such an enlightening post. Not easy to share I am sure.
We are all in the same leaky boat when it come to our DCs and enabling.
Yes the Wobbles are the exact way to put it.
Very big hugs to you.

 

[BusynMember]

One other imortant thought.

Whatever it is YOU can't fix it/make it better
You are not the offender, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it. You can pay a million bucks to rescue him and he is in a drug head and will not appreciate it and will not stop unless he truly wants to. And that usually happens after serious consequences that they can no longer stand, perhaps prison. They don't do it for our sakes.

I find it helps more not to focus on why or what, just stay mindful in the moment and practice taking care of yourself first. It's a hard concept to grasp at first, but if we don't take care of ourselves, we are useless to both our other loved ones, us, and you cant make good decisions about your son if you apply your wants and needs to his and then panic.

 

[Guidance seeker]

RNO441 I too am determined to never live like I did, I too didn’t want to go home from work and working on a mental health ward felt calmer and more stable than my own home.

LIS- That must’ve been so stressful for you when he ruined his houseshare. It’s beyond anything we can understand to see the mess they deliberately make of their lives. It’s like they can’t see consequences of their actions. We see them and worry about them and frustratingly can do nothing at all about them but protect ourselves.

My son once spent 2 days in tears that he would be beaten up as he owed a big drug debt, I actually felt sorry for him (it was early on in the troubles), I agreed to give him money and drove him about 8 miles away to pay. He told me to park and he would walk to meet the dealer. I drove around where he could not see me and watched - they didn’t know I was there but I saw him pay and then saw him being given drugs! I was furious with myself as well as him and drove off, leaving him there to walk home. That was probably the first time I realised my son wasn’t the nice person I used to be so close to, he had changed and would use anything he could to get money from me.

SWOT - I’m taking your advice and focusing more on myself. A friend and I have booked a spa day and I intend to fully enjoy it without allowing myself to think about him.

Update on my determination not to give him money - He has texted and rang several times today asking how he is supposed to live with no money. I have put it back to him that he needs to budget and not spend like he is a millionaire whenever his benefits arrive. He got abusive on the phone so I’ve refused to answer, he’s sent a few texts - apparently I will die a frail old woman with no family because karma will get me for being so selfish.

I replied with this “I’m selfish?
I have worked hard all my life for what I have, nobody ever gave me money for nothing.
I have given you 20 years of my life,
loads of money, food and other things.
What have you done for me or your dad?”

I am anxious that he will try harder and come to the house but I’m trying to put that out of my head.

 

[BusynMember]

You did great. My autistic son, who has worked so hard with his challenges works two part time jobs gets some SSI and pays his own bills. He is learning to budget but has a seperate payee. Do you have this option? It works like this. Some of Son's paycheck goes to a corporation and son's payee, somebody else (not us and not our money) pays his rent and other bills on time. There is extra money that goes into son's bank account for his personal use. Son is good at making sure he has food. Sometimes we surprise him with stuff but he never asks.

It was hard for us to make our son with challenges fend for himself but this was a goal we had since we can not be his caregiver forever. I still think of him as my "little" boy, but he has grown so much.

The drug dealer bit and your son doesn't surprise me. Dealers don't let you pay on credit. I am always surprised when a parent gives a drug addict thousands of our hard earned for drug debts that are really drug buys. That is one thing I would never have ever done. If my daughter had tried that I don't know how I would have felt toward her for a long time. It took me two years of certainty that she was sober for me to trust her again and to recapture our closeness. And she really didn't ask for money.

Your son can get a job. My daughter worked most of her drug years. Your son is able bodied. He gets benefits. If you stop the money then he will need to get money another way, like his benefits. He may break the law for money. Getting arrested can be a learning experience too as can prison. It can be a catalyst to quitting drugs.

And your son is already doing drug deals so he is breaking the law. I assume he could get arrested for that. As long as they use drugs, bad things happen and we can't stop it. I have no idea who sells drugs in the UK but in the US drug dealers tend to usually be dangerous users too and the purpose behind our gangs. They usually have sad stories behind being gang members but that doesn't make them less angry, dangerous and addicted.

Keep pushing yourself to be your own best friend and focus on you and your other loved ones who are kind to you. Son doesn't deserve all of your time.

Hang in there!!! Good progress!

 

[Guidance seeker]

SWOT - I think he would need to be assessed as not having capacity for finances for anyone to be able to assist or intervene with his money. He knows what to say and I think he would be deemed as having capacity.

He has had a recent care act assessment through social services and is currently being considered for the learning disabilities team but they will probably not see his disabilities as severe enough. There are no services for autism or ADHD in this area unfortunately.