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Gradually stopping enabling
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 727164" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>GS, please do your best to stop bashing yourself for not being strong enough to do this or that, or to stop doing this or that for your son. Some of us probably seem very very strong to you, but you are seeing us after we have spent years, even a decade or more, dealing with substance abuse. It is very different when you are just now starting to realize that help is needed for yourself as much as for your addicted loved one. Bashing yourself is a part of the problem that you have, a part of the FOG, but it is something that you can work on stopping. </p><p></p><p>I spent years enabling my brother's drinking when we were teens. I helped him cover things up from my parents. I helped him get inside when he came home after his curfew (mostly because he would pound on my windows until I would open one, but I never told my parents that he did this), and I did a lot of other stuff. Now I would not do that, I don't think. Then I did because I didn't know what else to do. He was demanding and my parents wouldn't listen when I told them he had a problem. I felt trapped in the middle, and I was very afraid of him. </p><p></p><p>You will eventually get to whatever point you need to reach. It is a journey, not a jump. Each step is important for you to take. If you skip taking a step, it really will end up causing problems. So take this journey at the pace that is right for you and your family. Not at the pace that was right for me, or for SWOT, or for anyone else. </p><p></p><p>One thing that might help you as you deal with your son's requests/demands, like this one for bus fare or rides for his friends, and for some money for himself, is to not tell him yes or no until you have thought about it for a little while. Give yourself 20 minutes to think it over and then call or text your answer. A ride simply isn't so important that it cannot wait that long. It is hard to think of reasons why and why not when the person is on the phone with you, especially when the person is an addict. </p><p></p><p> I found this to be especially helpful (though I used it with Wiz who was not a substance abuser, just a truly difficult child) as it gave me time to think through the potential pitfalls and benefits of saying yes or no to the request. I did tell Wiz that if he contacted me about the request before I replied, I would automatically give him the answer he did not want. This was a standing rule, because otherwise he would nag me over and over with texts and calls so that I would agree just to shut him up. I don't like that nonsense, and it makes me contrary. Taking that time to think means that I can realize that getting into a car with a bunch of "friends" aka drug addicts who have just run out of drugs is really NOT something I feel safe doing. </p><p></p><p>Have you taken the time to look up where the Naranon meetings in your area are held? I know it can be hard to go to them at first. Maybe you could just look up where they are held as a first step. Once you do that, you can start to think about which one you would like to attend. It probably feels to you as though going to a meeting should be an easy step and you should be able to just go and do it. But it isn't that easy and it feels like a huge thing and it is overwhelming to you, isn't it? I remember that. I had to break the job of going to the first few meetings down into steps. I started with looking up Alanon in my city in the phone book (internet was not a huge thing back then). Then I called to find out when meetings were. Then I drove by the location. Finally I went to a meeting. I didn't do these all in one day, even. I looked up where several meetings were, and at different locations. </p><p></p><p>If you feel overwhelmed, it might be helpful to break things down this way. It might be helpful to go with your husband to the first meeting. Or it might not. I do know that the sooner you start to get some help, the sooner you will start to feel a little stronger and a little bit less alone. It won't start with the first couple of meetings, but if you hang in there, it will happen. </p><p></p><p>As far as food for your son, why not give him a bag of food once a week? Some cans of soups, other food he can just heat and eat, simple microwave food, that sort of thing. This way he will have food that he can eat each evening and you won't have to take him food on a daily basis. He can manage his food as he pleases. This might be something to think about.</p><p></p><p>These are just my ideas and suggestions. You are a strong woman going through impossible circumstances. You are at the beginning of a very long journey that no one wants to take. I'm sorry that you are on this path, but you are not alone. We are with you and we won't leave you alone. (((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 727164, member: 1233"] GS, please do your best to stop bashing yourself for not being strong enough to do this or that, or to stop doing this or that for your son. Some of us probably seem very very strong to you, but you are seeing us after we have spent years, even a decade or more, dealing with substance abuse. It is very different when you are just now starting to realize that help is needed for yourself as much as for your addicted loved one. Bashing yourself is a part of the problem that you have, a part of the FOG, but it is something that you can work on stopping. I spent years enabling my brother's drinking when we were teens. I helped him cover things up from my parents. I helped him get inside when he came home after his curfew (mostly because he would pound on my windows until I would open one, but I never told my parents that he did this), and I did a lot of other stuff. Now I would not do that, I don't think. Then I did because I didn't know what else to do. He was demanding and my parents wouldn't listen when I told them he had a problem. I felt trapped in the middle, and I was very afraid of him. You will eventually get to whatever point you need to reach. It is a journey, not a jump. Each step is important for you to take. If you skip taking a step, it really will end up causing problems. So take this journey at the pace that is right for you and your family. Not at the pace that was right for me, or for SWOT, or for anyone else. One thing that might help you as you deal with your son's requests/demands, like this one for bus fare or rides for his friends, and for some money for himself, is to not tell him yes or no until you have thought about it for a little while. Give yourself 20 minutes to think it over and then call or text your answer. A ride simply isn't so important that it cannot wait that long. It is hard to think of reasons why and why not when the person is on the phone with you, especially when the person is an addict. I found this to be especially helpful (though I used it with Wiz who was not a substance abuser, just a truly difficult child) as it gave me time to think through the potential pitfalls and benefits of saying yes or no to the request. I did tell Wiz that if he contacted me about the request before I replied, I would automatically give him the answer he did not want. This was a standing rule, because otherwise he would nag me over and over with texts and calls so that I would agree just to shut him up. I don't like that nonsense, and it makes me contrary. Taking that time to think means that I can realize that getting into a car with a bunch of "friends" aka drug addicts who have just run out of drugs is really NOT something I feel safe doing. Have you taken the time to look up where the Naranon meetings in your area are held? I know it can be hard to go to them at first. Maybe you could just look up where they are held as a first step. Once you do that, you can start to think about which one you would like to attend. It probably feels to you as though going to a meeting should be an easy step and you should be able to just go and do it. But it isn't that easy and it feels like a huge thing and it is overwhelming to you, isn't it? I remember that. I had to break the job of going to the first few meetings down into steps. I started with looking up Alanon in my city in the phone book (internet was not a huge thing back then). Then I called to find out when meetings were. Then I drove by the location. Finally I went to a meeting. I didn't do these all in one day, even. I looked up where several meetings were, and at different locations. If you feel overwhelmed, it might be helpful to break things down this way. It might be helpful to go with your husband to the first meeting. Or it might not. I do know that the sooner you start to get some help, the sooner you will start to feel a little stronger and a little bit less alone. It won't start with the first couple of meetings, but if you hang in there, it will happen. As far as food for your son, why not give him a bag of food once a week? Some cans of soups, other food he can just heat and eat, simple microwave food, that sort of thing. This way he will have food that he can eat each evening and you won't have to take him food on a daily basis. He can manage his food as he pleases. This might be something to think about. These are just my ideas and suggestions. You are a strong woman going through impossible circumstances. You are at the beginning of a very long journey that no one wants to take. I'm sorry that you are on this path, but you are not alone. We are with you and we won't leave you alone. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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