Grandma is threatening to send difficult child 1 to her dad's and it's really making me upset

[Californiablonde]

I have always had a hard time getting difficult child 1 to listen. She is especially defiant when it comes to her hygiene. She never washes her hair and face. She has acne and she is supposed to be washing her face twice a day and putting on a special face cream that my mom got from the dermatologist. Almost every night it's a battle to get her to do these things. Her hair is always greasy and her face looks worse by the day. difficult child does not care at all how she looks. She hangs out with mostly all boys and she says a few of them like her. In her opinion, if the boys don't care how she looks then why should she. She is totally different than I was at that age. I took showers and washed my hair every single day without being asked. I also used to have an acne problem and nobody had to tell me to put on my face cream. I was diligent about using it because I cared about my complexion. I just can't get difficult child 1 to care. She is also overweight and will eat snacks even though I tell her she can't. She just went to the doctor last week and her weight put her in the clinically obese category. This doesn't faze her at all. She still over eats and when I try to take food out of her hands, she pushes me and runs. Every day my mom calls me and asks me if difficult child has washed her face and put on her cream. When I tell her no, she gets mad at me and says I have no control over her. She insists that my daughter belongs living with her dad. Both difficult children hate going over to their dad's every other weekend because they are yelled at and mistreated by their stepmother. Their dad isn't much better. My mom has told difficult child 1 on several occasions that she is going to have to live with her dad if she doesn't straighten up. This really pisses me off to no degree. No matter what, I am NOT going to send her to her dad's. difficult child has already told me and my mom that she will disown us for life if that happens. That is not my reason for not wanting her to go there. I refuse to send my kids off to live with the other parent just because they are giving me a hard time. I don't believe in doing that. I am considering going to counseling with her once I start working again in the fall. I am not going to give up on her that easily. I really wish my mom would butt out and stop making idle threats that aren't going to really happen. After all, I am the parent and it's MY decision! My mom keeps insisting to me that difficult child spill be better off at her dad'a and that I'm a failure as a parent. Being a parent to two difficult children already makes me feel like a failure sometimes. I don't need her making me feel worse. How do I get her to stop threatening difficult child? She really is a big help to me by driving me to the grocery store and community service since I lost my license. How can I tell her to butt out nicely?

 

[DDD]

Are you on medications? Perhaps if she sees that you take your issues seriously she might follow suit. DDD

 

[TeDo]

It's too bad you're so reliant on your mom for transportation. My mom was a LOT like that with me and defraded difficult child 1 in front of him. I stopped talking to her for several months. I only started minimal contact with her when difficult child 1 ended up in the psychiatric hospital and she realized there really was something wrong and it wasn't just me being a bad parent. Ever since then, she has not said one word like she did for soooooo many years about EVERYTHING I did wrong (in HER eyes only).

difficult child 2 needs constant reminders to do the shower and acne stuff. I have disconnected all the electonics (his main "thing") until he actually does it many times. He knows I am not joking around and that I will NEVER give in. As for the snacking, I quit buying junk food when difficult child 2 was weighed at 198 lbs at the age of 12 (he's tall so didn't realize he weighed so much). He can't eat it if it's not here and difficult child 1 and I don't need the junk either so it was a healthy thing for all 3 of us. Some people on here have put junk food in one particular cupboard and put locks on it. It sounds like it has worked for many of them.

{{{{HUGS}}}} to you. I know what it's like to have a child that could care less about their looks and a mother that thinks she needs to parent her grandkids and emotionally beat on the REAL parent.

 

[Californiablonde]

I try taking away her cell phone and she grabs it right out of my hand (if I can even get to it in time) and she runs away with it. I've also been pushed and hit. She doesn't hit hard but still hitting a parent to any degree is wrong. She is taller than me and outweighs me by at least twenty pounds. I don't know what else to do with her at this point. That is why I'm hoping and praying some counseling will help.

 

[TeDo]

I hope it helps too. At that age, personally, I would put her phone number "on vacation" until she is mature enough to handle it. If one of my kids EVER hit or assaulted me in any way, I'd call 911 before they could blink. That is assault and there is no way I would allow it....but that's just me. When was the last time she had a medication adjustment? Any chance she is doing drugs with these boys? If this behavior is fairly new, I would suspect that. If it's not new and has been building, I would suspect a medication adjustment or change. Are you 100% comfortable with the bipolar diagnosis? Not necessarily relevant, just curious.

Still sending {{{HUGS}}}

 

[Kathy813]

I second what Tedo said. I would deactivate her phone number if she refuses to give it to you. I did it with my difficult child at that age.

Pushing or hitting you is simply unacceptable. I would call the police if it happens again. If you don't want to do that, I would consider sending her to go live with her dad if she hits you again. She needs to learn that you will not tolerate that behavior. It you continue to let it happen, I am afraid it will escalate.

~Kathy

 

[DammitJanet]

Take her phone while she is sleeping or simply deactivated it. You can call the company it is with and tell them it is lost and you dont want any additional charges racked up on it. I would be darned if I would let a kid use a phone if they were treating me like that. A phone is a privilege not a right. Plenty of kids get by without a phone. Or you can get a phone you can control like a kajeet where you can go on an simply control on the internet and shut her down pdq quick. Act up and phone goes bye bye. I wouldnt even do that though. I would get rid of her phone for at least a year and then do the kajeet one to see how she treats you.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Number four person who agrees with deactivating the phone! You don't engage in a physical battle with a difficult child who is bigger than you. You don't engage in a physical battle with anyone, for that matter. You turn off her phone and you be the parent who says, "until you can fulfill your basic personal hygiene issues on a regular basis, the phone will stay off. You will loose TV and computer privileges until I see you are making an effort to take care of yourself. You may believe this is harsh, but these things are basic requirements for living. There will be no discussion. I pay for phone, the computer, the tv, etc., and I will decide when your privileges are returning." If your daughter becomes violent with you, call 911. It's a tough lesson cb, but one that is absolutely necessary if you want her to move forward and have any type of respect for authority and chance of success in your life.

Sharon

 

[Bunny]

I'm another one who agrees with the idea of having her phone deactivated.

As far as her hair and face, difficult child goes through stages where he takes a shower and washes really well, and then there are the days when he takes a shower and I'm left trying to figure out what the heck he actually did in there for all that time! I think this is a common trait among some kids this age. Personally, I would just let her be. If she refuses to wash her hair and her face and she starts to smell bad at some point one of the kids that she hangs out with will say something to her. Kids in their early teens can be brutal to each other, even to the ones they call "best friend", so maybe natural consequences will kick in.

As far as your mom goes, I know that she is taking you places, but right now she needs to be put in her place and reminded that you are their mother and that you are doing the best that you can. Explain to her that is difficult child chooses not to be as clean as she needs to be be that it's her choice. You mom telling difficult child is probably only adding fuel to the difficult child fire. Does she think that you would really send her to live with her dad? That could really ramp up her anxiety and make things much worse for you at home.

 

[TeDo]

Yea, I agree that mom should stick to grandparenting and stop making idle threats. Is there a way you can simply tell your mom that "difficult child is NOT going to go live with her dad and she knows that so please stop saying that. We ALL know that's not going to happen so you threatening her with that only makes you look ridiculous. If you think you can do a better job getting her to take care of herself, you are more than welcome to come and make her do it every day. Maybe you'll get lucky and she won't physically hurt you." Something along those lines. Know what I mean??

 

[BusynMember]

I side with difficult child about hair and face (her hair, her face), natural consequences. That isn't something you can force. She's too old and I think she'll either get it or she won't. My son is nineteen, on the autism spectrum, and we have to use a reward system to get him to shower every day. He is also overweight and we did all we could to take him for extensive testing to see why he was so hungry all the time and also to a nutritionist. Now that he is nineteen there is nothing, nada that we can do to force him to lose weight. He's not home enough and we've tried every possible consequence to make him care, including the truth about what obesity does to your health, but he doesn't care. He lives in the moment. Maybe one day he will care. I deeply hope so. But I can't fight with a nineteen year old over his weight. It won't help. Another note: Psychiatric medication can starve you and make you hungry all the time. I gained 80 lbs. on one and finally lost it, but I'll never be thin again because of the medicatioin. Some medications can make your complexion worse too (Lithium is one, I believe).

Now about the cell phone and the shoving. NO WAY JOSE! I would have called 911 and the phone would have been history, even if I had to call the phone provider and tell them to deactivate her number. There is no way a sixteen year old is going to do that to me and get away with it.

As for grandma...I'd just let her words go in one ear and out the other.