Grandmother involvement gone too far

[Madmom6017]

This is my first time on a forum so bare with me!

A little over a year ago my son who has had multiple behavioral problems throughout high school; which have included drug use (marijuana), stealing cash and credit cards (from his dad and I and a friend's parent) and an overall lack of being a good citizen.

After multiple attempts to keep him on the right path after high school graduation (including paying for community college, cell phone and car insurance) my son decided he could not live by our rules and moved to California.

After about six weeks of failed attempts at living independently I asked him to come back to our home state and figure out what to do.

In the meantime he was having conversations with my mom, his grandmother, about living with her.

When he returned, unbenounced to us, my mom bought him a new vehicle and agreed to let him live at her home.

Fast forward a year later which brings us to present day. My husband and I have become increasingly agitated with the life lessons or lack thereof that my mom is teaching and allowing.

To date, my mom recently admitted that my son is stealing from her (at least 5 times), hasn't paid rent and hasn't paid her back for the vehicle she purchased for him. At this point, I have asked her to kick him out of her home and she refuses to do so.

I feel like I am in a very sticky situation with little leverage to interact with my son.

What should I do?

 

[BusynMember]

If your son is of legal age and your mom wont do what you asked, you cant do anything. He and she are able to do what they want based on age. Neither can be forced to do what you want or think is best. This board is all about letting go of the holds and fixes we'd like to have becsuse legally they can do what they like. Maybe its best you get this reprieve. You can use it to build your own life and interact with those who are kind to you, which you deserve.

It is hurtful when our own parents betray us...trst me, I know...but it happens, often. It makes our hearts harder, but we survuve. I had to detach from my mom early. She never liked me. Disinherited me, in fact. Fortunately she never wanted to know my kids so she couldnt interfer.

I hope you can work on yourself now. You deserve thus opportunity. Let go of the mom/son situation. It is useless to fixate on what you cant control. Be good to YOU now. Im sure its been far too long. Take care.

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome Madmom,

I'm glad you found us here. Your story is a familiar one.

It's a tough situation when someone else is the one who enabling our adult child. It compounds it when it's a family member.

To date, my mom recently admitted that my son is stealing from her (at least 5 times), hasn't paid rent and hasn't paid her back for the vehicle she purchased for him. At this point, I have asked her to kick him out of her home and she refuses to do so.

Perhaps you can try a different line of dialog with your mom. Instead of telling her to kick him out, ask questions, why is she allowing your son to steal from her and live in her house without contributing? Has he threatened her in some way to keep her silence? Ask her if she would put up with this kind of behavior from a stranger.

I don't know how old your mom is but if you feel she is not making sound decisions you may want to contact her Dr. and share your concerns.
If your mom is of sound mind then you will just have to step back. As you know, you can't control what your son does nor can you control what your mom does.

I wish I had a magic answer for you. When you have a difficult adult child it's just never easy no matter what the situation.

I'm glad you're here with us. You will find support on these pages from others who know what it's like.

((HUGS)) to you.................

 

[DoneDad]

It could be an elder abuse situation, depending on her age and where you live. You can find elder abuse hotlines

http://www.nccafv.org/state_elder_abuse_hotlines.htm

 

[Madmom6017]

Thank you so much for your replies.