Grandson Update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mom_to_3, Feb 5, 2009.

  1. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I haven't posted everything regarding our grandson, but will go ahead and catch you all up.

    He is still with us. The last court hearing was in December. He could have gone home then, but neither of his parents were ready. The short version is that the judge appointed a CASA worker to our grandson to determine where the best placement would be. We keep getting asked if we would be willing to keep him. There is no way we could raise him knowing what we know now, especially after what we endured raising his mother.

    We love our grandson, wouldn't be doing what we have been doing if we didn't and yes we also believe that we could serve him better than either of his parents. But. This child is definitely ADHD, very oppositional and defiant can be belligerent, and has been physically combative with me and at school with adults and he is so very much like his mother. He is smart, intelligent, can be very sweet, funny and the cutest thing ever. He is also very conniving, manipulative, sneaky, lies. The other day, he wouldn't get undressed for his bath when I asked him to, so I scolded him a bit and told him to get busy. Instead of doing what I asked, he laid on the floor beside his bed grumbling under his breath that "his grandma needed to go to jail!" This from a five year old. There are absolutely NO boundaries for this child and he requires constant supervision. This is even with medication.

    He's been on ritalin, adderall, and now concerta. He either needs to increase his dose or it will be changed to something else. His behavior at home, school and after school care has been less than desirable. I just found out from his psychiatrist that his heart rate has been elevated for several months since he began taking the stimulants. She had me stop the medications (great fun THAT was) and take him for an EKG. psychiatrist got the results and told me that I could restart the medications, but to take him for a complete physical with an emphasis on cardio. I did that today.

    This pediatrician that we saw today, found our grandson to be in good shape. Then he looked at the reading from the ekg and it said that his heart rate had been 165 bpm (no medication) and a possible lvh. That means something about an enlarged left heart muscle, not good and puts a person at risk for a "cardiac event". So, the pediatrician sent us to do yet another EKG and I'm supposed to find out tomorrow the results. If there are still concerns, then we'll go to a pediatric cardiologist for an echo cardiogram and to be evaluated further. Can't do anything about his medications until this heart business is taken care of first.

    I found out today that my grandson's father lost his unsupervised visits due to some concerns from the CASA worker and from CPS. I don't know any specifics. My difficult child still has unsupervised visitation with her son on the weekends and it looks like he will be placed with her when all of this is said and done. What a mess all of this is. The next court date is in March, grandson's placement with us could be extended.

    Oh, and did I tell you that grandson's father and girlfriend are pregnant? What idiots. OMG
  2. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Oh, what a situation for you! I do completely understand why you cannot raise him. I don't know if my new grandson will have issues or not but considering he has 2 difficult child parents it is hard to see how he won't. There is no way I would be able to go through that again, especially as I am older and more tired now. Even a easy child grandkid would be more than I would want to handle at this point in my life.

    I'm sorry that he has some medical issues on top of the others and that neither parent is ready to take him yet. I sure hope your dtr will be able to parent him soon.

    Kudos to you for taking him now and best wishes to you!

  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Grandson certainly sounds like a handful and a half. I hope the cardiac issues get diagnosed and settled quickly. I also hope difficult child Mom whips into shape so she can take over parenting again. You must be exhausted.

  4. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I'll take all the best wishes I can get! Thanks. :)

    My nerves are shot. I've been sick for a week and feel like crud. Whine, whine, whine. Right? Our difficult child just got here to have a visit with her son. That's fine. I started telling her about these medical issue's and the dr. visits I have taken HER son to, that she didn't even ask what was wrong. She knew he was at the Dr. yesterday and today and didn't bother to ask. As I'm telling her about the visits, she starts texting someone! :grrr: I stopped talking and she says, "go ahead, I can still listen. :grrr: I told her no, finish, her texting is distracting to me. She laughs. As soon as I finish telling her everything which was pretty quick really, she tells her son, I need to go outside and make a phone call. I cracked the door so I could listen. Right away she says.. Aiden has an enlarged heart muscle. :grrr::grrr:

    Everything is about her or what attention / sympathy she can garner for herself. Evil me, I had something on the line outside, walked right past her and said loud enough for the other person to hear, I didn't say he DID have an enlarged heart muscle, it's something they are going to look at. She then says, I didn't say that. Okay, right.

    I still see her as so self centered. Texting while I'm talking, running to make a phone call right away.

    We just had a little (ha!) talk. She seems to think her son is acting out because of his chaotic life, just what do you expect? Well yes, he has had a chaotic life. I reminded her that his behavior is exactly what we experienced with her and she most definitely did not have a chaotic life. What would she do differently to help him out?

    She absolutely would not do ANYTHING like I did for sure. She would BEND. She would homeschool and allow him to be himself.

    I so worry for this child.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    "Okay, Honey. What is your plan so that you can do this? How will you afford to be able to stay home to homeschool him?"

    Honestly, our kids can be so far OUT THERE that all you can do is bite your tongue and shake your head.

    You have my sympathies, Mom23.

  6. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    You know Suz, she has even considered private school for him. Yes sireee! This from someone that dropped out of high school and has yet to complete her GED. This stuff makes me livid. She is playing everyone. She tells the CASA worker that she has learned from me and will continue to seek out my advice, then tells me that she would NEVER raise her son the way I raised her.

    When I told her that I needed to speak to her, she became very argumentative and of course said I was being judgemental and that she could raise her son like she wants. Not like me.

    Of course I said you are free to raise your son any way you chose, but remember that there are many people watching. There is no one right way to raise a child, but there ARE some accepted guidelines. I asked her if she preferred that I speak to her now, privately or wait until we get before the judge in open court to express my concerns?

    She is now doubting his teacher. Maybe she is doing something to set him off? Maybe he doesn't play with the other children because it may just be that group of kids. He kicks and hits other children because it's perfectly age appropriate behavior. He roams in and out of classrooms when the teachers are not there, getting into their things, when he should be elsewhere because............... It's fun! No one should be trying to change "him". He can be who he wants!

    I ask her, at what point do we teach our children how to "conform" to society, to age appropriate behaviors and activities? If we don't expect and teach and reward and consequence, our children don't learn. Her response....................... My high school drop out difficult child will just home school him, keep her son home until he learns how to play nice. Very nice. That ought to do the trick, right? His social skills are lacking greatly.

    She's putting me in a very bad place, on so many levels.
  7. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Oh, I forgot. :rolleyes: I didn't tell you? Well, she found herself this boyfriend that is in the military ( he is her heart! don'tchaknow) who just so happened to be shipped off to Iraq for the next year, that had the decency to leave her a rented, furnished apt., car, gas AND an allotment AND access to a savings acct. that she has helped herself to. Won't he be in for a surprise when he figures all of this out? His acct. also bought bedroom furniture, bedding, toys, and clothing for a child that is not his? They are supposed to get married when he gets back. This ought to work out great.

    She is supposed to be working, but her therapy, massages, standing hair appointment. and all of her other important things come first. This "mother" has yet to provide for her son.

    I am so angry! I've got to stop this and just get over it. I still can't believe the animosity I still have. I'll get it "put in it's place" and then something will come up and it's just as fresh as it was. This will be an ativan night for sure.
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Well, I'll tell you, what would really crank me up is the fact that she has the dreams and you have the reality. She's living in LALALAND and you are living with her son who has turned your life upside down and she doesn't seem to have one whit of appreciation for it.

    Sheesh- It's no wonder you feel animosity- I wish I could smack her upside the head for you! :rofl:

    Last edited: Feb 6, 2009
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    difficult child is obvious is somewhere out in fairytale land. How easy for her to say everything you did was wrong when she's not the one handling grandson right now or dealing with the problems. sheesh How well we know it's so easy to "judge" from the outside.

    I'd find it mighty hard to be in the same room with her. I'm with Suz, maybe a few good whoollups along side the head will knock some sense into the girl. LOL

    No wonder you're so frustrated.

  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that you have to listen to her. You are already doing enough by raising HER child. He sounds like a major handful, and you have already raised your child. Wiz would not be living with my parents except they ASKED for him, actually INSISTED on it and my dad had just retired from teaching jr high and Wiz was in jr high. He really pushed the issue and would have petitioned the court for custody, so I let him go live with them.

    And I am very appreciative! I cannot believe your daughter thinks she will just homeschool him and let him be with-o anything "changing" him or making him conform to society! It just reminds me of my aunt who refused to discipline her bully of a child. She said sooner or later he would have to go to school and someone on the playground would "whomp" it out of him!!!!!!! She also said that she refused to take him to church because he wouldn't behave appropriately. "God would make him behave right in church when God wanted him to be there." She actually said that - nothing about teaching him appropriate behavior in ANY setting!!!

    I think your daughter may never be living in reality. Your daughter will provide a very chaotic life for the child, but I certainly don't think you and your husband should be raising him.

    I am sorry about the heart problem potential. I hope it ends up not being serious. And I hope you can petition for some respite - could the CASA worker get that for you?Esp since his father lost his rights to visits?

    This little boy sounds like he has a lot of problems, more than you can handle and more than your difficult child WILL handle. I just pray she doesn't end up mistreating him or hurting him when his behavior is a problem for HER.

    Have you suggested any other options for him to the CASA worker? Options other than him living with you?

    I admire your restraint in NOT whomping your difficult child upside her head. It must be a very tempting thing, esp as she seems to do all she can to be horrible to you.

    Gentle hugs and tons of support!
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I can't even begin to tell you how much I relate to your post. Regarding the possible heart issue...I've been exactly there. GFGmom's added drama trick is that she "shares with HER children" because she believes in "being truthful" instead of "leaving them in the dark" (like my generation does)!
    So difficult child who went to a cardiologist to be checked out when he was maybe in 3rd grade, still refers to "his heart problem" at age 18. There is NO heart problem, yikes!

    You are very wise. There is no doubt your entire lifetime could be absorbed by your daughter and her reproductive/living choices. by the way, don't you love it when she takes him all clean and dressed nicely from your house to show off as HER child. :tongue:

    by the way, GFGmom's little girl is ALL hers. She will soon be 7 and is in K for the 2nd time. GFGmom tells me "she is behind her grade level". GFGmom has not taken the time to teach her anything at home and expects the school to do the job. :( She believes "it's their job". It is really sad!

    I'll remember you in my thoughts and prayers. You are in a terrible position but you are realistic and preparing to live independently. DDD
  12. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Well yes, DDD, I do love how I send my grandson off for visitation with his mother or his father well rested, freshly bathed, teeth brushed, fingernails clipped, hair cut and combed, in freshly laundered, weather appropriate clothing each and every time. Only to receive back a little boy that is hyped up and dirty, sometimes fed, sometimes not, that I have to calm, feed, bath and get to bed because it's a school night in a span of 2 hrs. tops. I just love it!
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I have a suggestion that I think may help after reading your post. Take into consideration that I think you are a very loving, and brave Grandma for taking a child that you knew had behavior issues when you brought him to your home. Me, You and everyone else here was hoping against hope that he didn't or hoping like most of us do or did with our young children and grandchildren in hoping that a stable enviornment AND good nae GREAT parenting with a medications tweak and a little therapy would be what he needed and NOT another difficult child issue. For your heart I'm truly sorry.

    My suggestion is - supervised visits from your daughter. Not you being the supervisor - but a court appointed GAL or someone like that in YOUR home when SHE comes to visit "her" son. The reason I suggest this is because there is so much annomosity (and why wouldn't there be) between you and your daughter. I think if it's possible it would take a lot of the push and pull out of her visits. She being the one that is pushing AND pulling. With another 'non-family' member there observing? It would take the wind out of her sails. I wouldn't imagine that she would be texting in front of a GAL while she was just dying to see her son. Or being smart mouthed with you or argumentative with YOU - because someone would be there to report her behavior and yours (which I feel would and is a very calm and patient behavior)

    Realistically does anyone think even if she's married in a year that she will get custody of her child back? Not judging just wondering if this is the plan from CPS. I don't know HOW you have managed to do what you have done for your grandson this long. I think I was maybe one of the only people here to say (eeeeehh I dunno about this) when you wanted to bring him home (and I totally understood the reasoning), but....I know that even with my own son at some point I had to say ' I just can not do this anymore' and try to detach.

    Is anyone offering you a break or respite from your grandsons behaviors on the weekends? WE had a lovely respite couple that we would meet 1/2 way and they would take Dude for the weekend 2x a month to help us get a break AND the school district WILL PAY FOR a shadow for your grandson in school. You have to call an emergency meeting as his guardian for an IEP. It can be done.

    I admire you greatly for taking him into your home because I know he's already in your heart. My therapist told me one day that being in my heart may not be the best thing for Dude.

    Sending huge hugs to you dear. I really think you're a remarkable person.